The good folks at GQ ran an insightful -- albeit unsurprising -- piece this week about the modern professional athlete's astonishing tendency to go broke. And it really is astonishing: Between 60 and 80 percent of NBA and NFL athletes apparently go bankrupt within five years of retiring.
See, if there's one thing that professional athletes enjoy, it's extravagant, no-expense-spared gaiety with playfellows, whether it be in the club, the malt shop, or Diddy's stately pleasure dome. But no measure of gaiety can compete with the unbridled euphoria of regimented parsimony. It takes discipline, but it's worth it. So we've compiled an indispensible list of tips for athletes who wanna ball on a budget:
• Learn from your past financial mistakes. A stripper pole in your room-size aquarium is understandable, but did it really need to be jewel encrusted? And how many monkey butlers can you have before they just turn into a zoo exhibit? Fiscal stewardship, folks. It's a must.
• Keep all your receipts in a shoebox under your bed. That way you'll always have small scraps of paper available for jotting notes, which will save you a fortune on office supplies.
• Pay credit for EVERYTHING. You'll be glad you did when you cash in those rewards points for that hot 2012 Roomba you've been eyeing.
• For every $10 million you make, take one million and put it away for a rainy day. That way you'll only go on million-dollar shopping sprees on days when it rains.
• Choose your investments wisely. If someone wants you to partner with them in a venture, it's because you're rich, not because of your impeccable business acumen. Torii Hunter got burned on inflatable couch rafts because he failed ask the necessary business questions before diving in: 1) Can I manage the overwhelming demand for couch rafts with my busy schedule? 2) Am I willing to accept that my career as a couch raft executive might eclipse my baseball career? 3) Have I assessed the minimal risks (deflation, etc) and boundless rewards ($$$!!!) of the fast-paced couch raft industry?
• Adjust your withholding. What does this mean? Not sure. Hire a fleet of financial experts to assist you with this task.
• Tip no one.
• If you're looking to dunk on a dime, why not give Starburys a try? "Starbury: The official alternate warm-up sneaker of the Beijing Ducks."
• Make it rain. With Applebee's coupons. Swag never tasted so unobjectionable.