10 reasons your school wasn't invited
Wasn't it funny?
We're talking about the week of NCAA conference realignment, which saw a great deal of posturing and little actual change.
• Funniest was the number Texas did on the Pac-10, at least briefly turning the Pac-10 into the Pac-11. ("Colorado? How did we get stuck with Colorado? Utah? Seriously?")
• Then there was Kansas, so proud of its men's basketball program until it realized that its basketball and $7.50 would get it a caramel vanilla latte at Starbucks.
• How about Missouri? One of the first to begin bragging about making a move out of the Big 12 only to end up not being asked to dance by anyone else. ("Of course we're dedicated to preserving the Big 12. We love it here.")
• And don't forget Texas A&M and its phone calls to the SEC. ("Great hearing from you, Texas A&M. Say, how close are you to Texas?")
And to wrap up this silliness, we asked you to provide the one-liners and cheap shots to comprise a list of reasons why your school won't be invited by anybody else. Most of you picked a specific school and took your shot. Some chose their own school. And a few simply provided generic cheap shots that could be applied to any school with delusions of grandeur.
You did good work. Here it is:
Top 10 Reasons Nobody Is Going To Invite Your School Into Their Conference
10. Syracuse: "Akron, Maine and Colgate are your football schedule." -- Mitch C., Rochester, N.Y.
9. Mississippi State: "No cowbells! They're worse than those vuvuzela horns." -- M. Vincent, Birmingham, Ala.
8. Tulane: "Sells beer like the pros, plays football like junior high." -- Alex S., Randolph, Mass.
7. UNLV: "Misspelled UNLV on transfer application." -- Stevie D., Las Vegas
6. Southern Illinois: "Nobody knows what a Saluki is and is afraid to ask." -- Jonathan H., Southeast Ky.
5. Northern Illinois: "They fear the barbed wire." (DeKalb is the barbed wire capital of the world, don't you know?) -- Mark M., Monee, Ill.
4. Wright State: "Never lost a football game." (Of course, the Raiders don't play football.) -- Bernadette V., Cleveland
3. Generic: "None of our players have been arrested, so we won't fit it." -- Jordan B., Baltimore
2. Generic: "Six consecutive national championships in LARP." -- Travis H., Flagstaff, Ariz.
1. Wesleyan: "Because you can't run a slant pattern in Birkenstocks." -- Josh C., Roslyn, N.Y.
There they are -- but wait! We're not quite done. Galen P., who attended San Francisco State, gets a special "Best of Show" award for the following five-pack:
• "Our games are on the Oxygen Network."
• "Our kicker is a goat."
• "JaMarcus Russell is our quarterback coach."
• "We invented the vuvuzela."
• "We started the wave."
Don't bother answering the phone, San Francisco State, 'cause nobody is going to call.
Thanks to all who contributed. There's one thing of which we can be certain: No matter what we think up, the real schools will do something funnier.
Jerry Greene is a retired columnist for the Orlando Sentinel. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org