Episode 3: Here's mud in your eye
We made history in "The Bachelor" this week! The show started with a drill sergeant waking up the girls and dragging them outside for calisthenics and yelling. Bill thought the drill sergeant looked like Dick Bavetta on steroids -- I'm not sure who he is, but OK. I was more shocked that none of the girls was wearing makeup during an HD broadcast. They should've had a follow-up show with the girls watching this show in HD. I guarantee half would cry, two would pass out and the rest would flee to the MAC counter. But that wasn't the history-making part. Running through a set of tires, Bevin wrenched her ankle and ended up with a displaced fracture plus a rose from a guilty Andy. Here was the history-making part: The other girls became jealous because Bevin got a rose and 1-on-1 time with Andy at the hospital. Now the other ladies might maim themselves for more time with Andy. We might see Tessa throw herself down a flight of stairs within the next three shows.
Obviously Andy wasn't too upset because he made his first group date at the mud baths. Not a lot of highlights here except that BBBD ("Big Boobs/Bad Dresser") was in heat and kept rubbing mud on Andy as an excuse to molest him. She's a tramp. Bill thinks there's an 80 percent chance she has a porno tape floating around out there and claims he has never Googled this to find out for sure. I don't believe him. After the mud frolicking, everyone washed up and had champagne and fruit, then Andy picked Stephanie the Gymnast/Bull Rider for a private "massage" date. Yawn.
The next group date happened at a race car track because Andy "likes a woman who can take risks." We get it, Andy. You don't want your wife to be a couch potato. We get it. The girls took turns driving slowly around the track and, naturally, for a private date, Andy picked the one who bragged about her driving abilities but couldn't drive a stick shift. Andy explained, "Erin may have bleached blonde hair and look like a Barbie doll, but she sure knows how to do some manly things, like shoot guns and that's attractive." If you say so! They drove off for an awkward drive on PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) as Andy slowly remembered that the girl had collagen lip implants and nothing to say. This would have been a wasted date except for extended shots of Andy's Delorean. By the way, here's a picture of Andy's car -- it's not a Delorean, it's really a Saleen 7. A little factoid for you. I'm still calling it a Delorean though.
I forgot -- the girl who told Andy about her dead college boyfriend in the first show used more dead boyfriend ammo to convince Andy that she's a good person. (I can't remember her real name so I nicknamed her "Dead Boyfriend Lady." That sounds harsh but it's her only distinguishing trait and she keeps bringing it up. As soon as she brings up a new topic, I'll change her nickname.) Andy's falling for her routine, hook, line and sinker. I wish there were a referee who would come charging in during these moments and throw a flag for girls who are constantly harping on the same subjects, mauling Andy or saying things like, "I'm afraid to open up to you, I don't want to get hurt." Maybe it could be Chris Harrison. He needs more to do.
The last date was a 2-on-1 during which Andy squired Tessa and Pey-tonnnnnnnnnn around a naval ship. Pey-tonnnnn was wearing a dress that looked like she walked into a garden in Mexico and it exploded all over her. She wasn't getting that rose from the moment she slipped on that hideous number. I'm handing that one a whole round of yikes. She made a strong comeback near the end by "opening up" to Andy, which is a big deal to Andy, since he only trusts girls who say "I'm falling for you" or bring up the worst things that ever happened to them. Anything less and they're holding back. In the end, Andy picked Tessa, dropped six "amazings" and cried during the explanation. Then Andy and Tessa made a dramatic helicopter exit while Pey-tonnnnn sobbed and watched them fly away. Bill thought the only way it could have been more crushing was if Chris Harrison reappeared, then read Pey-tonnnnnn a series of statistics about how much harder it was for a woman to get married and have kids after 30.
Before the rose ceremony, Andy sat between the two Stephanies as BBBD tried to be sexy by saying, "Can't get enough of a Stephanie sandwich." Yes, we have the title of her first XXX movie! I should also mention that she had on a strapless, black polka dot dress with a belt, a double strand of pearls and a low ponytail over her right shoulder. A failed attempt at "classy." Also, Andy found Bevin on the porch, checked her ankle, gave her a couple of smooches and made her laugh once or twice. When he left, Bevin told the cameras that it was "probably the best time I've ever had." If that's true, then the second-best time was probably breaking her ankle.
Finally, Andy handed out roses and voted off the Barbie doll and another girl who Bill really liked and described as "a slightly Asian Kate Jackson." She didn't look like Kate Jackson at all. He's a moron sometimes. We argued about this for the rest of the show and I missed everything else that happened.
My revised Final Four: Amber, Tessa, Bevin (I can't decide if he likes her or it's broken ankle sympathy) and Stephanie the Gymnast/Bull Rider. I barely care.