By Nick Bakay
Page 2

The only thing worse than watching your mistress describe your back zits on TV to Geraldo? How about being featured in yet another tale of the tape. What can I tell ya, Barry -- the more you generate headlines, the more I'm gonna call your number. And with Randy Moss' relocating to Oakland, I can't resist a tale of the tape comparing NoCal's primary lightning rods for accomplishment and controversy: Bonds vs. Moss. Alleged juice vs. alleged vamoose. Is the Bay Area big enough for the both of them? Let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape ...

Randy Moss vs. Barry Bonds
Randy Moss
Barry Bonds
We have them to thank for:   The Randy Ratio   The Surliness Syndrome   Moss
That's gotta sting:   Macy Gray called, she wants her hairdo back.   Jose Canseco called, he still wants a back-cover blurb for his book.   Push
Suspected of:   Loafing   Cheating   Bonds
Unsolved mysteries:   Did he leave his best games behind in a dome?   Did he rub the "gel" on his thighs, or on his ego?   TBA
Can you imagine:   What he's gonna say the first time Kerry Collins plays the way he usually does when the pocket collapses?   What Hank Aaron would have done if he faced more expansion pitching?   Moss
Native American Nicknames:   "Sir Moons A lot"   "Big Butt No steal No More"   Push
Never stand between:   Him and a female parking cop just trying to do her job.   Him and a vague response to the BALCO grand jury.   Push
Strange ... :   Move for a team that ranked 30th in defense   Days for fans poised to watch him eclipse Babe Ruth   Push
Just goes to show you:   The best can still be traded.   Eight figures a year can still leave a man grumpy.   Moss
MAC:   His old college conference   Other Bay Area superstar who needs to explain his body mass   Moss
Under-thrown balls:   His bread & butter   His future diagnosis?   Moss
84:   The jersey number he has to buy back from Jerry Porter   The number of times he referenced "Sanford and Son" in his first spring training news conference   Bonds
Walks:   What he does when there are two seconds left on the clock   What stands between him and 756 home runs   Bonds
Whom they torment:   Joe Buck's delicate sensibilities   All aquatic life in McCovey Cove   Bonds
What they pretend to do:   Drop his pants just to insult thousands of drunks wearing cheese heads   Set the all-time home run record without the aid of Dr. Feelgood   Moss

So there you have it; it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a win that comes with an asterisk beyond anything Roger Maris had to endure, the advantage goes to Randy Moss. But hang in there, Barry. You can sleep well knowing you're the only guy who bulked up that Canseco hasn't bragged he injected in the caboose. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay, reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at