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These days, there are more little ladies than blitzing linebackers longing to tackle Tom Brady and have their way with him. Everybody wants a piece of this guy.
And why wouldn't they? The 26-year-old quarterback stands a smooth 6-foot-4 with a hot bod, strong chin, good hair and nice teeth. Put that package together with his squeaky-clean image and you have America's latest Prince Charming.
So as I sat down to catalogue why Brady is the most eligible athletic bachelor going, I figured the piece would write itself. And just as I suspected, it did. But as hot as he is, I couldn't help but reflect on the reasons Brady is still as single as a dollar bill ... starting with this: The guy is a big dork.
Now don't get me wrong. I used to be on the Brady Bandwagon. I may have even been one of the first 100 cardholders. But a recent streak of what I consider to be dealbreakers sent me slinking un-smitten out of his mounting militia. I just don't get why this guy still has an enormous "Bunch" of good-looking groupies swooning over every errant golf shot. Do these ladies live under a rock? Haven't they seen what Tommy-Boy has been up to lately?
First, let's have a quick look at traditional "most eligible bachelor" lists. After taking an inventory of the folks who consistently appear, I'd like to make something very clear: These people are NOT single. They're "so-called" single, at best; that is, they are not married. They're not presently bound by any legal nuptials, but it does not mean they are open for anybody's business.
Study the usual suspects on Hollywood's present list: Matt Damon, Hugh Grant, George Clooney. These guys see more action than a Times Square traffic cop at rush hour! They may not be married; but sure as shootin', they're NOT waking up alone.
Knowing this, I began to wonder why stud singleton Tom Brady conjures up a totally different image in my head than these other blazing bachelors do.
Let me start with the first offense that threw me off the Brady train -- the State of the Union Address. Politics is a personal choice, of course, and I can sum up mine with this little question: What the hell was Tom Brady doing at the President's State of the Union Address? Records show he's never even voted! Why would the biggest man on the country's campus need to stand there and happily hold the jock of George W. Bush?
Moverover, Brady is a flaming metrosexual -- and "progressive hipster" and "right-wing conservative" are absolutely mutually exclusive. This just cannot be!
OK, so you can make the argument that he is politically apathetic and only attended Dubya's spiel because he was personally invited, and you don't in good graces turn down a summons from the President of the United States. Tom is a self-proclaimed workaholic (yet another excuse for why he can't keep a girl), so one (hopeful) justification here is that he was so busy during that 15-game win streak that he can claim ignorance about the goofball currently running our country.
Even so, if you're going to be polite or attend the SotU because your agent told you to, take a seat in the back and mind your Ps and Qs. Do not stand up and golf-clap for all the world to see!
That standing-O for George W. might have been the ultimate dealbreaker, but I gave Tom's beautiful buns another shot ... only to be let down by a sound my little lobes still can't shake.
Two words for you Brady bums: "We're baaaaa-aaaaack." (Read with mid-chant voice crack). Are you serious?! Who says this on a hot mic? First of all, the long drawn out "back" is as broke as the old joke that it is. Such a tired cliché. Then, the pubescent PETER Brady-esque, mid-syllable squeak was just precious. So sexy. Umm, not so much.
Then there is the third and final transgression: Death by Championship Parade Dance. How many times have we seen this? Will they never learn? You know you're going to be graded on your celebratory boogie; so if you don't have rhythm, just find the beat and nod your head for gosh sake. Better to not groove and have them think you can't get down than move a muscle and prove them right.
I knew Tom was no dancing-grace specimen after his white-boy shuffle at the parade back in 2002. Fine. Rookie mistake. But this time, I saw something that I cannot excuse. So I write him off my hot list for this cardinal sin: Tom Brady is a dance-snapper.
He snaps when he dances -- both hands at once! Somewhere out there is a rulebook that clearly states it: The Hottest Man on the Planet Shall Not Dance-Snap.
I am willing to put up with a lot. I can deal with goofy fashion choices, a beer belly, forgotten anniversaries, annoying idiosyncrasies, whatever. But the perfect fella just cannot be a snap-dancer.
Sorry, Tom. All bets are off. It pains me to say it. You're gorgeous, you're strong, you look great in spandex, you've got honest eyes, a steady stubble-shadow, and that chin! Oh, yeah. There are plenty of reasons why you are the king of the hill ... but just as many explanations why you remain the singleton stud that you are.
So there it is, America. Why does Tom Brady deserve the No. 1 seed on the most-eligible-bachelor list? Because who would want to marry a voice-cracking, GOP-lauding, snap-dancer?
Mary Buckheit makes contributions to Page 2 and is Page 3's advice columnist. She can be reached at Mary.J.Buckheit@espn3.com or email her a question here.