By Jim Caple
Page 2

Editor's note: He managed the Red Sox and coached for the Yankees. So we take a shot at how Don Zimmer, the man who knows both teams so well, would scout and analyze the ALCS ... if given the chance. In other words, What Would Zimmer Do? In this final report, Zim gives his final opinion on Boston's dramatic comeback.

"I got real mixed feelings about the Red Sox win last night. On the one hand, I feel bad for Joe. He managed his heart out. But those bums he's got now just don't know how to win like Paulie O'Neill did. I tried calling Joe to console him last night, but I guess Kevin Brown ripped all the phones off the wall when Boston knocked him out of the game in the second inning. He also broke all the bats against the water fountain, which explains why the Yankees didn't hit -- they were using broom handles.

"Brown also smashed every toilet, which caused some problems late in the game. Tony Clark had to go really, really bad, so he had use the men's room in the stands. And, well, you know how long the lines can be there, so he didn't get back in time. Missed the entire fifth inning, but I'm not sure anyone even noticed. And then Brown went out in the players' parking lot and broke the windshields of everyone's car and set a couple of them on fire and then went through the neighborhood lighting paper bags full of dog crap and leaving them on front stoops and ringing the doorbells. I suppose some would call him immature. I just call him a competitor.

"Anyway, I also liked seeing the Yankees lose because I hate Steinbrenner so much. I can just imagine how angry he is right now. After we lost the 2001 series in Arizona, that miserable SOB came into the clubhouse and when everyone was in the shower, he grabbed our uniforms and said we couldn't have them back because we didn't deserve to wear them anymore. Then he cancelled the team charter and said that if we wanted to go back to New York, we were on our own.

So I wound up hitchhiking with Joe and Jorge Posada. We were standing on Interstate 10 with our thumbs out for more than three hours that night until a trucker hauling oranges gave us a ride. We wound up splitting the driving and stopping at honky tonks and getting in fights with motorcycle gangs and drinking beer and dancing to Reba McIntyre songs with biker chicks and having the time of our lives. I felt like I was 67 again. The only problem was, we lost Posada somewhere outside of Wheeling, West Virginia.

"So I feel bad for Joe, but good about George losing. But mostly, I'm happy the Red Sox won because I can finally show my face in Boston again without them throwing eggs at me and slashing my tires."

Jim Caple is a senior writer for