By Jim Caple
Page 2

Through its many connections in the entertainment industry (it helps to have the Mouse as your boss), Page 2 has slipped under the velvet rope to make up some celebrities' takes on the World Series. Earlier this week, we had Ben Affleck and Steven Tyler discuss the Red Sox wins -- today, we give the Cardinals equal time by putting our mock microphone in front of Missouri native and U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft ...

"Even though they're down 3-0, I'm not giving up on my Redbirds. They've won four games in a row several times this season, and the Red Sox proved against the Yankees that a team can come back after losing the first three games of a series. Besides, when you lose a Senate race to a dead man like I did four years ago, you learn it's never over until it's over.

John Ashcroft
"I'm coming after you, David Ortiz!"

"Anyway, it's not like the Cardinals are playing that badly. They barely got beat in Game 1, and they had a couple chances to break things open the last two games, too. They've just had some bad breaks. All they need is to get a couple clutch hits tonight, and they're going to be just fine. And who knows, maybe I'll have someone in my department take a long hard look at David Ortiz's visa status.

"Ha, I'm just joking. I would never do that. That would be an abuse of power. But all the 'i's better be dotted and all the 't's better be crossed and all the documents better be in order there, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

"As much as I'm pulling for the Cardinals, I'm just glad that no player implicated in the BALCO case made it to the World Series. Steroids are a plague in this country, and this administration has made it a priority to rid them from all sports. Cheaters will be caught and they will be punished and they will be banned from competition. I shouldn't comment on an ongoing investigation, and I'm told that you're innocent until proven guilty in this country; so the only further thing I'll say on the subject is this: If you have Barry Bonds on your fantasy team, you might want to trade him this winter.

"Aside from the Cardinals being down 3-0, the other disappointing thing for me is that neither team asked me to sing 'God Bless America' during the seventh-inning stretch. I'm not too humble to say that I have a pretty good singing voice. I think it's a shame that I didn't get an invitation while the Red Sox let drug addicts like Steven Tyler and James Taylor get in front of the microphone to sing our national anthem. But what do you expect from a team that lets their players run around with hair like that. If you ask me, that's what's wrong with this country.

"Well, that, and the capital gains tax."

Jim Caple is a senior writer for