Single page view By Jim Caple
Page 2

Had your fill yet of televised poker? Count your blessings. There may be "Celebrity Poker Showdown" on Bravo, "The World Poker Tour" on the Travel Channel, "Poker Superstars Invitational Tournaments" on FSN, "The World Series of Poker" on ESPN and "Poker Royale Celebrities vs. Poker Pros" on the Game Show Network, but at least there is still one poker show we haven't seen televised.

At least, until now.

Iams presents: "Dogs Playing Poker"

[The episode opens to find the famous scene of a Great Dane, an English Bulldog, a Collie, a St. Bernard, a Boxer and a French Poodle sitting around a green felt table playing poker. We join their game in mid-conversation.]

Come on ... this is way better than watching Ben Affleck.

GREAT DANE: And so I replied, "Because I can."

[The dogs howl with laughter.]

ST. BERNARD: Say, did anyone catch the first round of the Westminster show last night? Was that some ending to the toy breed or what?

BOXER: Jeez, don't remind me. When that Shih Tzu upset the Pomeranian, it absolutely killed the whole left side of my bracket. My only hope now is if the German short-haired pointer pulls it out.

COLLIE: He better. I used my No. 1 pick on him in our fantasy draft.

BULLDOG: German short-haired. Harumpfh. I remember when we had the Germans by the short hairs. That's the way I prefer it. Bloody Germans. The Hun is always at your throat or at your feet. Can't trust the Russian wolf hound, either.

GREAT DANE: I always love it when there's a Shih Tzu in the show. The announcers fall all over themselves making sure they don't mispronounce it.

BOXER: Yeah, remember in that movie "Best in Show"? When Fred Willard keeps milking the joke about the Shih Tzu? Classic.

ST. BERNARD: Best dog movie ever.

GREAT DANE: Absolutely.

FRENCH POODLE: What about "All Dogs Go to Heaven?"

[They all stare at her. Who would suggest such a terrible movie? The Boxer leans over and sniffs her.]

BOXER: Mmmmm. What's that you're wearing, honey? I'm getting wonderful hints of citrus, lavender, rawhide and manure.

FRENCH POODLE: [Suspiciously] What are you after? The only time you compliment my rear and give me the puppy dog eyes anymore is when you want something.

BOXER: Whaaaa, a guy can't sniff his wife without getting grief? But now that you mention it, how about you going into the kitchen and getting us some kibble and some dirty standing water?

FRENCH POODLE: Get it yourself. You don't have me on a leash.

[She leaves in a huff.]

BOXER: Bitches. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

BULLDOG: Bloody French. Always looking to be rescued. Reminds me of the time that Chesapeake Bay Retriever bitch, Lady Astor, said to me outside Parliament, "If you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your water dish." And I replied, "And if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

COLLIE: Hey, speaking of movies – does anyone else get attracted to Lassie in the old reruns and movies, even though she was always played by a male dog?

[There is an awkward silence.]

GREAT DANE: Ummmmmmm ...

BOXER: Errrrr ...

ST. BERNARD: Uhhhh ...



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