Welcome to the NFL Draft Network!
The NFL draft has become so popular -- admit it, you've seen more of Todd McShay and Mel Kiper in recent weeks than your wife -- that it's clear it needs its own network.
Page 2 has a sampling of what's going to be on the new NFL Draft Channel when it launches on Monday at midnight.
It's draft, draft and nothing but the draft. So what happens when the players actually take the field? That's for the other network to figure out, because come Monday there are only 363 days until the 2010 NFL draft. And that's barely enough time to squeeze in all the necessary hype.
Midnight-5 a.m. -- Dead air brought to you by the Minnesota Vikings.
5-6: "Draftography: Ryan Leaf" -- Follow the journey of the ballyhooed QB prospect from the tense pre-draft "Leaf or Manning?" debates to his draft-day declaration of "I'm looking forward to a 15-year career, a couple of trips to the Super Bowl and a parade through downtown San Diego."
6-7: "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Rounder?" -- NFL GMs are subjected to the Wonderlic exam.
7-7:30: "Draft Roundtable" -- The future of the draft class of '09 are discussed by 32 writers sitting around a table.
7:30-8: "Draft Roundtable: Doubleshot" -- Two roundtables are pushed together, allowing 64 writers to break down the draft.
8-10: "Draft Roundtable: Thunderdome" -- Two writers enter, one writer leaves.
10-11: "Draft Diary '07: Brady Quinn" -- Follow the polished pride of Notre Dame (and a one-time projected No. 1 pick) as he receives his coveted invite to attend the draft all the way to his long and painful wait to the 22nd pick and his disheveled, gum-chewing acceptance of his fate. Narrated by Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis.
11-noon: "Patton vs. Pioli" -- A discussion of how great war room leaders would fare in battle against each other.
Noon-1 p.m.: "Best of Series: Three-Cone Drill '08" -- Highlights from the event are interspersed with a roundtable debate on whether watching this constitutes torture. Moderated by former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
1-1:30: "Best of Series: Top 10 Moments in Bench Press History" -- Hosted by Cardinals strength coach John Lott (aka the dude who yells at everyone who uses the bench press). Presented commercial-free by Verizon Wireless. To get an inspirational ringtone from John, text HOSS4EVA to 225LBS.
1:30-2: "Best of Series: Classic 40-yard Dashes by Offensive Linemen" -- Shown in optimized fast motion with the lovable classic sounds of "The Benny Hill Show."
2-2:30: "Three Buttons, Five Buttons, NO Buttons!" -- Tim Gunn breaks down the history of draft-day fashions in the NFL.
2:30-3: "Behind the Rage" -- A revealing look at Jets and Eagles fans who attend the draft and the women who can't possibly love them.
3-3:30: "The Mr. Irrelevant Pageant" -- Mario Lopez hosts, competitions include not being in New York, not having any private workouts and not being signed to a contract.
3:30-4: "Deal or No Deal?" -- Super agent Drew Rosenhaus teaches you how program a TiVo, say "next question" and other tips to survive a prolonged contract holdout.
4-4:30: "CSI: Canton" -- Former FBI profiler Clint Van Zandt analyzes the post-selection jersey holdup of every player to determine their futures based solely on 35 seconds of body language.
• Public Service Announcement: Chargers defensive end Luis Castillo tells kids that if you do steroids to help prepare for the NFL draft combine you should at the very least feel really badly about it. (10 minutes).
4:40-5: "Color Me Bad!" -- Various Hollywood makeup artists and house painters show how to properly apply body paint to help fans stand out in the Radio City crowd. Presented commercial-free from Benjamin Moore and Maybelline.
5-6: "Draft Diary '99: Donovan McNabb" -- Follow the Big East's all-time leader in touchdown passes, passing yards and total offensive yards as he proudly takes the stage only to be mercilessly booed by Eagles fans who were longing for Philly to draft Ricky Williams. Narrated by former Eagles employee and Facebook legend Dan Leone.
6-7: "Naked (Bootleg) Science" -- NASA experts explain how the Earth temporarily stops spinning due to the magnetic force of the NFL draft (simulcast on NatGeo HD).
7-7:30: "Who Wants to Be Like a Supermodel?" -- Up-and-coming female models rate the body of former NFL draft prospect Tom Brady.
7:30-8: "Bill Benders '09" -- Ecko Unlimited chairman and fashion icon Mark Ecko updates his annual report on whether it's cool to once again bend the brim of your draft-day cap.
8-8:30: "Ace of NFL Cakes" -- Experts break down which rookie will have the biggest impact in the NFC West.
8:30-9: "Knights of the Rumor Mill" -- In an age-old NFL tradition, the 2009 class of bloggers is installed and granted unlimited use of the term "sources."
9-9:30: "Mockumentary" -- Counting down the greatest mock drafts of all time.
9:30-10: "Gone in 6 Seconds" -- Highlights from the slowest 40 times in NFL combine history.
10-10:30: "Nnamdi Asomugha, Mathias Kiwanuka, Brett Favre & More" -- A history of mispronounced names at the podium by former commissioners.
10:30-11: "NFL Films Presents: Scouting Undercover -- The Bootleg Chronicles" -- The top 20 draft prospects are scouted through hidden surveillance videos. Hosted by former Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh.
11-11:30: "Pre-D Day vs. the QB Class of '83" -- A panel of historical and football experts debate the two greatest drafts of all time.
11:30-midnight: "Take Me Out to the Workout" -- Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte share their rigorous offseason football regimen.