Page 2 staff

They all sound the same, don't they? Every last positive testee ...

"Today, I am telling the truth again that I did not do this intentionally or knowingly," said Rafael Palmeiro.

"There's got to be a flaw in the system. I have no clue," said Ryan Franklin.

"I know I did nothing incorrect ... I take stuff I buy over the counter," said Alex Sanchez.

Enough, already. It's sooooo lame!

It's Not Fair!
Patrick Hruby has checked the nutritional information on his vitamin supplements and finds only ingredients like "ION-EXCHANGED WHEY PROTEIN ISOLATE." But never anything like "WINSTROL" or "THG." How come he can't be as lucky as those who inadvertently have tested positive?

Is it asking too much of the players who test positive to be a little creative? To at least come up with a good excuse? You know, the sort of thing you'd tell the teacher when you showed up in class without your homework?

C'mon, alleged steroid takers. You can do better. We can help.

Here is Page 2's Guide to the Original Excuse for a Positive Steroid Test. Read it. Learn it. Live it.

And say it -- loud and publicly -- when your time comes in front of the cameras to explain away that niggling little steroid scandal.

10. "C'mon, I was just trying to be elected governor of California."

9. "That was a test? Dude, I thought it was just a quiz."

8. "My bad. I looked at the size, speed and strength of the average NFL player and just naturally assumed that our steroid tests must be completely bogus, too."

7. "Man, that's the last time I order the Three-Mile Island cod."

6. "There was a bright light and a powerful wind ... and then these little green men stepped out of the ship, and ..."

5. "When we were playing in Yankee Stadium, somebody hit me in the butt with syringe. I guess I shouldn't have ignored it, but I thought the game must go on."

4. "In lieu of a statement, I've asked Britney Spears to perform, 'Oops ... I Did It Again.'"

3. "Well, I had a torn ankle tendon and the team doctor attached the tendon to the skin. It was pretty painful, so I told the trainer to shoot me up with some cortisone, but I guess he must have grabbed the stanozolol by mistake."

2. "I hope the fans will support my cause for decent medical care by buying the navy blue "Don't Get Sick" wristbands, available now for only $5 apiece at my Web site."

1. "I apologize. I hold myself completely responsible for this, and I hope the fans will forgive me for not using a drug the screeners can't test for."