Shaquille O'Neal is set to host a six-episode ABC reality show this summer in which he will educate Florida children on the negative effects of childhood obesity and help them lose weight.
Here is how I imagine the episodes will play out.
Episode 1: Shaq visits the homes of 100 schoolchildren. At each home he searches through the kitchen to find all of the unhealthy food -- from candy to pancakes to frozen pizzas -- and then educates the kids on why they should avoid it. He then eats it all in front of them so they are not tempted by having it at their disposal.
Episode 2: Shaq tells the kids that many inexpensive foods marketed to kids -- such as fast food and soda -- are very unhealthy. He then tells the children to ignore any past advertisements he's done for Burger King and Pepsi.
Episode 3: Shaq tells the children that they must strive to have more things in their life than just food. He suggests starting a petty feud with a former teammate, coach or owner as a great way to keep the mind occupied and thinking about something other than the next meal.
Episode 4: Shaq educates the children on the value of exercise and stresses that having a personal trainer is invaluable. He tells the kids that a tried-and-true way to get personal attention from a trainer is to embellish an injury for weeks past the expected recovery date.
Episode 5: Shaq invites all of the children over to his place to teach them about fasting. He pops in a DVD of "Kazaam," and soon all of the children have lost their appetites.
Episode 6: In the series finale, Shaq teaches the children the value of competition by posing a challenge: The child who eats the healthiest over the next week will win Heat season tickets for the 2007-08 season. He then provides the kids with extra incentive by informing them that the loser of the competition will be dipped in delicious milk chocolate and eaten.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN the Magazine and the new Cracked magazine, and has written for The Onion. His first book -- "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" -- will be in stores in May.