They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. Not true. Based on the pictures from NFL Week 2, pictures are worth between four and 49 words.
"Thank you, satellite camera!"
"Oh, no. I put on my football helmet instead of my beer helmet."
"Yes! The first tackle we made all day."
"So I start going like this to one of our cheerleaders and she's like: 'Hey, coach, I don't think we should do this.'"
"I would totally get in there and knock some heads around if I didn't have these white gloves on. Plus, I wouldn't want to muss my hair."
"Straight cash, homey!" "Awkward, coach. But thanks for the high five."
"It hurts when I put weight on it." "Well, of course it does, tubbo. You're lucky it doesn't explode."
"Gee, gosh, darn, golly, gosh, darn, gosh, golly, gosh, darn."
"That's odd. His butt smells like a hamper of fresh laundry."
"Jake, do you want me to take the white gloves off and go in there for you? I totally will, I would just want a few minutes notice to moisturize first."
"It's for your own good. You do not want to see your performance on game tape."
"I bet this breeze would feel much better if I had my shirt off. Plus, the ladies would probably love it."
"Seriously? Insurance is going to cover your car? All $350,000?"
"Every time we call a pass play now, I have to stifle vomit."
"Yes! No wedgies for us this week!"
"Have patience! The sketch artist takes a little longer than the camera guy."
"Aah! I haven't been chased by this many felons since my first shower in prison."
"I bet my mom is loving this."
"Dude, stop flashing the crowd and check out Hester's return."
"Yes! The first offensive touchdown of my nine-year tenure. Take that, critics!"
"Losing isn't so bad when you wear comfortable, dainty white gloves."
"The only thing that could possibly cheer me up right now is karaoke."
"Oh, no. I can't believe I wore mismatched shoes again."
"Hey, Leonard Little! Hands at 10 and 2, buddy."
"Sure, I'll shoot a commercial for your daughter's lemonade stand. Shake on it?"
"This is what it was like when I came home from my first tour of duty."
"Tell their players to stop making fun of our mascot."
"Sweetie, put the sign down. I'm afraid someone from social services will see it and take you away from me."
"Ha! That idiot thinks I'm waving at him. He has no idea I'm waving to his wife."
"Sweet monogrammed sweatshirt."
"Why did I start Damon Huard as my fantasy quarterback this week? That was so stupid."
"Just go down. It's for your own good. I'm sparing you an interception."
"Should I sic my dogs on Trent Green? It's quite an ethical quandary."
"Why, yes, I do look even dreamier on the Jumbotron. Thank you for noticing."
"So you versus Chuck Norris -- who wins? You, right? One punch?"
"So then I put one hand on the Bible and raised the other one like this and said to Goodell: 'Oh, yeah, this is the only time I cheated.' And, get this -- the idiot believed me. I'll show it to you. I have the whole meeting on tape."
"What is David wearing on his hands? I've lost total control of this team. I should just resign before they fire me."
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" is on sale now.