You saw all of yesterday's NFL action, but did you hear what the players had to say about it? Probably not. Lucky for you, there are true journalists like me on the job to compile all of the best quotes. But I'm not going to do all of the work for you. I'll give you the quote, but you have to figure out who said it and in what context.
(Here's a little hint, though: all the correct answers are "a".)
Think Rex Grossman feels very secure about his starting job?
(a) Lovie Smith, Bears head coach, who then added that the whole team deserved blame.
(b) Lovie Smith, Bears head coach, who then sobbed uncontrollably and swallowed a handful of Ativan.
"I don't know where it is. I'll talk to him."
(a) Ron Turner, Bears offensive coordinator, on Rex Grossman's confidence.
(b) Ron Turner, Bears offensive coordinator, on Lance Briggs' car.
"It got ugly fast."
(a) Kenoy Kennedy, Lions safety, on falling behind quickly in Detroit's 56-21 loss to the Eagles.
(b) Kenoy Kennedy, Lions safety, on watching the Eagles file onto the field before the game in their baby blue and yellow uniforms.
"I'm not surprised by what we were able to do."
(a) Brian Westbrook, Eagles running back, on Philadelphia's scoring 56 points against the Lions.
(b) Jesus, on teaming with Lions quarterback Jon Kitna to throw for a franchise record 446 yards against the Eagles.
"As soon as we're finished watching it, we're gonna burn it up and throw it in the Detroit River."
(a) Kenoy Kennedy, Lions safety, on the game tape of Detroit's 56-21 loss to the Eagles.
(b) Rod Marinelli, Lions head coach, on spy tapes of Detroit's next opponent that he purchased from Bill Belichick.
"As we say in high school, 'I got Mossed.'"
Randy Moss is on pace to have one heckuva year.
(b) A teenage Patriots fan, on getting high before the game with friends.
"It's only three games, but it's a nice place to be for us."
(a) Wade Phillips, Dallas head coach, on starting the season 3-0.
(b) Lane Kiffin, Oakland head coach, on starting the season 1-2.
"He gave me the 'you're going to have to give me the signal.'"
(a) Lane Kiffin, Raiders head coach, on the look the official gave him before he called a timeout at the end of regulation to freeze Cleveland kicker Phil Dawson.
(b) Lane Kiffin, Raiders head coach, on coming across a U.S. senator in an airport bathroom.
"It's a marathon, baby."
(a) Warren Sapp, Oakland defensive lineman, on the Raiders' getting a win with a long season still ahead.
(b) Warren Sapp, Oakland defensive lineman, on the delicious postgame spread.
"I felt good the more plays I got, the more comfortable I was getting, just getting back to playing the game."
(a) Daunte Culpepper, Raiders quarterback, on seeing his first action of the season in Oakland's win over the Browns.
(b) Cleveland's punter, on being used heavily again following the anomaly of a productive Browns' offensive day in Week 2 against the Bengals.
Think Romeo Crennel will still be the Browns' coach next year? Yeah, right.
(a) Phil Dawson, Cleveland's kicker, on having his game-winning field goal attempt against Oakland blocked.
(b) Phil Dawson, Cleveland's kicker, on head coach Romeo Crennel's rotting corpse.
"You just try and put your mind in a place where, 'hey, it's showtime.' I'm warm, the body is warm."
(a) Kyle Boller, Ravens backup quarterback, on his mind-set on coming into the game for injured quarterback Steve McNair.
(b) Travis Henry, Broncos running back, on his mind-set upon meeting new women.
"That's what I think the league is afraid of."
(a) Ray Lewis, Ravens linebacker, on Baltimore's developing a potent offensive attack.
(b) Law enforcement, on Ray Lewis.
"We're on our butt right now."
(a) Marc Bulger, St. Louis quarterback, on losing to Tampa to fall to 0-3 on the season.
(b) The Rams' offensive line, realizing where they were after getting knocked over again by Tampa Bay's defensive line.
"Your ears might bleed."
(a) Barry Cofield, Giants defensive tackle, on what would have happened to a stranger's ears upon hearing the salty language Giants defenders used to motivate themselves in the huddle.
(b) Barry Cofield, Giants defensive tackle, on what would happen to a stranger's ears upon hearing Eli Manning try to give a motivational speech.
"It leaves a bad taste in your mouth."
(a) Glenn Holt, Bengals kick returner, on fumbling away a fourth-quarter kick that clinched Cincinnati's loss at Seattle.
(b) Chad Johnson, Bengals receiver, on preparing all week for a touchdown celebration routine, only to not score.
"I just took the hole that was there."
(a) Allen Rossum, Pittsburgh kick returner, on running back a kick that gave the Steelers a 7-3 lead over the 49ers.
(b) Steely McBeam, Steelers mascot.
Jake Delhomme was a Week 3 casualty.
(a) Jake Delhomme, Carolina quarterback, on leaving the game to get treated for an injury.
(b) Jake Delhomme, Carolina quarterback, on leaving the game to remove the lacy, thong underwear he was wearing that was severely chafing his undercarriage.
"I felt like I was on the bad end of the stick."
(a) DeAngelo Hall, Falcons cornerback, on getting two personal-foul penalties and a pass-interference penalty on Carolina's game-tying drive in the third quarter.
(b) DeAngelo Hall, Falcons cornerback, on being one of the few cornerbacks in the league who doesn't get to feast on Joey Harrington.
"Don't know. You don't know until the next day."
(a) Mike Shanahan, Denver head coach, on how serious Jay Cutler's ankle injury is.
(b) Mike Shanahan, Denver head coach, on how long his spray-on tan will last.
"Brett Favre is an amazing guy."
(a) Norv Turner, Chargers head coach, on Favre's beating San Diego.
(b) Everyone in the world with any sense.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" is on sale now.