The 1972 Miami Dolphins have had a lot to say about the New England Patriots. Just as they've always been more than willing to comment on teams that threatened to match the Dolphins' perfect season of 35 years ago.
But now that the Patriots are just three wins away from joining them in pro football lore, the '72 team is desperate to voice an opinion on almost every team, regardless of record.
They were willing to share some of those opinions with me. I'm sure you'll find their thoughts filled with all the grace and goodwill we've come to expect from the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
Don Shula on the Jacksonville Jaguars: "This team reminds us a lot of us back in '72. A couple of talented backs leading a powerful running game, and a dominant defense void of big-name stars. Plus, they're from Florida. It's almost like looking in a mirror. Only they're 11-5, not 17-0. So it would have to be one of those funhouse mirrors that makes you look like a disgusting, pathetic freak."
Bob Griese on the Dallas Cowboys: "Part of being successful is avoiding distractions. Tony Romo hasn't been the same since he hooked up with this Jessica Simpson girl. I didn't let sex get in the way of our success in '72. And this was 1972, remember! You couldn't even go to a church without stumbling over an orgy on the way to your pew."
Mercury Morris on the Miami Dolphins: "It's exciting that Bill Parcells has arrived to help my Dolphins. Mark my words: He will make people remember the glory days in Miami. If for no other reason than that he wears tight polyester shorts. Tight polyester was totally cool back in '72. I think it will be again."
Morris on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers: "This is an organization I can respect. They know how hard it is to be perfect. They did it in 1976. They were in our town. They were on our block. They were the neighborhood homeless guy. And, boy, did they stink. Sometimes I'd toss them change. Sometimes a bar of soap. Sometimes I'd just let them look at my Super Bowl ring for a while, until eventually the stench was too bad to bear and I'd continue on down the street."
Greise on the Chicago Bears: "Kyle Orton has played the best out of any the Chicago quarterbacks this season. Kyle Orton! Kyle [bleeping] Orton! Unbelievable. Brian, please change your last name immediately. I'm serious. You disgrace me. And by disgracing me, you disgrace the 1972 Miami Dolphins. How dare you! Show some respect to the greatest team ever!"
Morris on the Pittsburgh Steelers: "Ugh. The Steelers. That so-called Immaculate Reception happened back in 1972 -- our year. But what is the definition of 'immaculate'? Webster's says: 'Free from flaws or mistakes; perfect.' And who was the only perfect team in 1972? That's right ... the Miami Dolphins. We made 144 receptions that year, all of them immaculate. Suck on that, Steelers."
Shula on the San Francisco 49ers: "I lost 32 pounds on NutriSystem. And anyone can lose weight. It's easy. For example, the 49ers can lose 180 pounds by firing Mike Nolan."
Garo Yapremian on the Minnesota Vikings: "Tarvaris Jackson, you throw ball very much like me. I like you. I like you very much."
Shula on the Carolina Panthers: "Congratulations to Vinny Testaverde on 21 seasons in the NFL. I can't believe he's been in the league for so long because -- let's be honest -- he's never really been all that good. And that's a fact. If a member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins says someone isn't good, he isn't good, OK? That's just how it is. I mean, we would know. We went 17-0!"
Otto Stowe on the Kansas City Chiefs: "Never heard of me? I was a receiver on the only undefeated team in pro football history, the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Yet people don't know my name. So just think how history will treat members of the 4-12 2007 Kansas City Chiefs. I mean, other than Tony Gonzalez and Larry Johnson, I don't think I can name any of their players now, and we're just a few hours removed from the season."
Larry Little on the St. Louis Rams: "I don't really have a comment on the team, per se. I just want to make it known that I'm in no way related to Rams linebacker Leonard Little."
Shula on the Baltimore Ravens: "I am happy to see the Ravens end their nine-game losing streak. I spent many years in Baltimore as a player and a coach, and I still love the city. I even have one of my Shula's Steak Houses in Baltimore. It has the best steak in town. It used to have the best steak knives, too. But then Ray Lewis opened his restaurant."
Shula on the Cleveland Browns: "I played for Paul Brown in Cleveland. He never had a perfect season in the NFL in his illustrious career, but they named a team after him. I deserve to have something named after me. If not a team, then something else. Maybe 'Shula' could be akin to the German term 'Schadenfreude.' Only instead of taking pleasure from the misfortune of someone else, it would mean to take pleasure from the misfortune of some other undefeated football team."
Larry Csonka on the Seattle Seahawks: "This is a playoff team with absolutely no running game. How do you expect to win in the playoffs with no running game? Outside of Mike Holmgren's full, handsome mustache, this team has absolutely nothing going for it."
Shula on the San Diego Chargers: "Year in and year out, this is a very good team. But good doesn't cut it. Just like the Patriots this year, the Chargers don't deserve any respect until they win a championship. Championships are all that matters. You know, unless we're talking about the period from 1983 to '95 when I coached Dan Marino."
Morris on the Cincinnati Bengals: "Don't call me when the Bengals are in my town. Call me when they're on my block. But first call the police to alert them of a potential crime in progress."
Shula on the Buffalo Bills: "I want to wish Marv Levy all the best on his retirement. If he'd like, he is more than welcome to come to Miami to spend time with me and the '72 team as we pass our golden years together engaging in wanton curmudgeonry and cootishness."
Morris on the Indianapolis Colts: "How does it feel to be the reigning champs and have no one give you any respect? Stinks, doesn't it? Then imagine what it's like to feel that way for 35 years! Thirty-five years and we've been the only unbeaten team. Don't let this happen. Please! It's all we've got. Please! I beg of you. Please beat the Patriots in the playoffs! Please! We know we weren't that good. We know we played a weak schedule. We know. But this is all ... [sniffle] ... we've ... [sob] ... got. Pleeeeeeeeeeease. [Indistinguishable moaning while rolling around on the floor.]"
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" is on sale now.