What the announcers are really saying   

Updated: January 18, 2008, 7:48 PM ET

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Sometimes what is said during a football game is quite transparent. An announcer says one thing, but you can easily deduce what he really meant.

Here are some lines you are likely to hear Sunday and what the announcer will really mean when he says them.

Philip Rivers

Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Confidence isn't an issue for Philip Rivers. But why?

"Philip Rivers is confident in his abilities."

"Philip Rivers has never watched game tape of himself playing."

"No one expected Eli to be the Manning playing in the conference championship."

"Personally, I thought Danieal Manning and Ricky Manning Jr. of the Bears had a better chance than Eli to get here, and Chicago didn't even make the playoffs."

"You may have heard that Randy Moss has become involved in a legal matter."

"Randy Moss ran over a traffic cop on his way to the stadium today."

"Brett Favre plays the game like a kid."

"What Brett Favre just did was incredibly stupid."

"Norv Turner has quieted his critics."

"Norv Turner's critics are quiet because they are already busy writing their columns about Turner getting horribly outcoached by Bill Belichick in the AFC championship."

"Brett Favre may come back for another season in 2008."

"Brett Favre hates Aaron Rodgers."

"LaDainian Tomlinson has said negative words about the Patriots in the past."

"The Patriots had to put in an extra wall in the locker room to house all of LT's bulletin-board material about their 'classless' team."

"It is very cold today and the wind only makes it worse."

"Give me some credit for being exposed to the elements, too. I'm a real man. I have nothing protecting me but three layers of JC Penney's finest and the warmth from the burners on the craft services table."

"Look at the snow coming down."

"Seriously, people! Give me some credit. I'm freezing my butt off, yet not once has my dulcet baritone failed to work its magic. I'm the real hero here, not the players."

"Look how white the snow is."

"The snow sure is scrappy. It reminds me of Wes Welker."

"And the fans are loving every minute of it."

"Hey, everybody. Look at these fans we're showing on camera simply because they are holding a sign that spells out our network's name."

"Stay tuned for the halftime show, where we'll break down all the first-half action."

"Please don't get up. We have several important commercials we want you to see.

"We all know who the '72 Dolphins are rooting for."

"The '72 Dolphins are rooting for the Chargers to beat the Patriots and for a Democrat to win the presidency in hopes they'll get free health care."

Eli Manning

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Not everyone believes Eli and the Giants are for real.

"This Giants team has really been a surprise."

"Say what you want, but I still think the Giants stink."

"They are just 15 minutes away from advancing to the Super Bowl."

"Our Super Bowl pregame show starts in 15 minutes."

"You have to believe that Eli Manning has finally established himself as a top-tier NFL quarterback."

"I enjoy science fiction. I also believe in the Loch Ness Monster and Yetis."

"Some people say Rodney Harrison is a dirty player."

"Most people say Rodney Harrison is a complete @#%$!*. But some just say he is dirty."

"Brett Favre"

"Wonderful, Counselor, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."

"Tom Brady is a beautiful, beautiful man, perfect in every way. I wish I could be him. I wish I could live inside his cleft chin forever, subsisting on nothing but his stubble, dried aftershave and the saliva of supermodels."

[This one you can actually take at face value.]

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book – "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" – is on sale now.


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