Tiger: great golfer, terrible caddie   

Updated: June 17, 2008, 6:22 PM ET

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Buick is running an online contest in which one winner gets Tiger Woods as a caddie for a round of golf. Notice I didn't say one "lucky" winner, because this is the worst promotion ever.

Who would want Tiger Woods as a caddie?

Tiger: "OK. This hole is a 220-yard par 3, slightly uphill into a light breeze. I'd probably hit a 6-iron."

You: "Umm … how about if I lay up with my driver?"

Tiger: "Great practice swing. Good rhythm."

You: "That was actually a whiff. But thanks."

Tiger Woods

Donald Miralle/Getty Images

Tiger might be in for a rude awakening as a caddie.

Tiger: "Ooooh. Tough lie in the bunker. OK, what you're going to do here is really dig in with your feet. Now choke down on the grip and open the club face. You really have to muscle this one out, OK? Position the ball a half inch inside your left sole and…"

You: [Meanwhile, you pick up ball and throw it into the fairway.]

Tiger: "My knee is starting to hurt."

You: "Is my bag too heavy?"

Tiger: "Well, that and all of this walking in the woods over rocks and branches and stuff."

You: "Touché."

Tiger: "OK, so that was an 8, right?"

You: "Eight? What are you talking about? That was a birdie! I took a mulligan after my first drive went in the lake. That was one. My second shot went in the fairway bunker. I kicked that out, then hit that ground ball up onto the green. And since that was within 10 feet of the cup, it was a gimme, regardless of the three-putt. Those were just practice putts. So that was a birdie 4. Jeez!"

Tiger: "Uh-huh."

You: "You're not the only one who can shoot in the 70s, pal."

You: "Yes! I finally hit a fairway!"

Tiger: "True. But on the wrong hole."

You [in a mocking voice]: "Oooh: 'I'm Tiger Woods. I have higher standards because I'm a fancy-pants professional and I've won 14 majors!' Jerk."

Tiger: "Not a lot of green to work with here. I'd hit a flop shot. Do you have a 60-degree wedge?"

You: "Lemme see here … well, I have a pitching wedge I got at Wal-Mart for 12 bucks. I can't really make out what degree it is because it's all rusty."

Tiger: "Whatever."

You: [Hit the ball 20 yards over the green] "Must not be a 60-degree wedge. I'm not getting any breaks."

Tiger: "That would be one theory, I suppose."

You: "I'm starving. Can you get me some crackers out of my bag?"

Tiger: "Sure. No problem. Aaaah!" [pulls hand away in disgust]

You: "What's the problem?"

Tiger: "There's something all gross and mushy in there."

You: "Oh. Jeez. Sorry. My bad. I think I left an egg salad sandwich in there from my last round a few weeks ago. I was pretty drunk, and I forgot all about it."

You: "So what part of my game do you think I need to work on the most?"

Tiger: "Well, I guess I'd say ball striking."

You: "So more time at the range working on my irons?"

Tiger: "Sure. But I mean specifically striking the ball. You keep whiffing."

You: "Ouch. I hate four-putts. How do I regroup from that?"

Tiger: "I'm not sure. I have never four-putted, to tell you the truth."

You: "Oh, big help you are. This whole day is a waste of my time. I'm never buying a Buick."

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.



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