Buick is running an online contest in which one winner gets Tiger Woods as a caddie for a round of golf. Notice I didn't say one "lucky" winner, because this is the worst promotion ever.
Who would want Tiger Woods as a caddie?
Tiger: "OK. This hole is a 220-yard par 3, slightly uphill into a light breeze. I'd probably hit a 6-iron."
You: "Umm how about if I lay up with my driver?"
Tiger: "Great practice swing. Good rhythm."
You: "That was actually a whiff. But thanks."
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Tiger might be in for a rude awakening as a caddie.
You: [Meanwhile, you pick up ball and throw it into the fairway.]
Tiger: "My knee is starting to hurt."
You: "Is my bag too heavy?"
Tiger: "Well, that and all of this walking in the woods over rocks and branches and stuff."
Tiger: "OK, so that was an 8, right?"
You: "Eight? What are you talking about? That was a birdie! I took a mulligan after my first drive went in the lake. That was one. My second shot went in the fairway bunker. I kicked that out, then hit that ground ball up onto the green. And since that was within 10 feet of the cup, it was a gimme, regardless of the three-putt. Those were just practice putts. So that was a birdie 4. Jeez!"
You: "You're not the only one who can shoot in the 70s, pal."
You: "Yes! I finally hit a fairway!"
Tiger: "True. But on the wrong hole."
You [in a mocking voice]: "Oooh: 'I'm Tiger Woods. I have higher standards because I'm a fancy-pants professional and I've won 14 majors!' Jerk."
Tiger: "Not a lot of green to work with here. I'd hit a flop shot. Do you have a 60-degree wedge?"
You: "Lemme see here well, I have a pitching wedge I got at Wal-Mart for 12 bucks. I can't really make out what degree it is because it's all rusty."
You: [Hit the ball 20 yards over the green] "Must not be a 60-degree wedge. I'm not getting any breaks."
Tiger: "That would be one theory, I suppose."
You: "I'm starving. Can you get me some crackers out of my bag?"
Tiger: "Sure. No problem. Aaaah!" [pulls hand away in disgust]
You: "What's the problem?"
Tiger: "There's something all gross and mushy in there."
You: "Oh. Jeez. Sorry. My bad. I think I left an egg salad sandwich in there from my last round a few weeks ago. I was pretty drunk, and I forgot all about it."
You: "So what part of my game do you think I need to work on the most?"
Tiger: "Well, I guess I'd say ball striking."
You: "So more time at the range working on my irons?"
Tiger: "Sure. But I mean specifically striking the ball. You keep whiffing."
You: "Ouch. I hate four-putts. How do I regroup from that?"
Tiger: "I'm not sure. I have never four-putted, to tell you the truth."
You: "Oh, big help you are. This whole day is a waste of my time. I'm never buying a Buick."
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.