The triumphant return of Mr. Manners

Originally Published: March 3, 2010
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

March is here. The snow and ice are beginning to thaw. But our manners must never melt away. It's time for another edition of Mr. Manners.

Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I recently finished second in an Olympic figure skating competition. However, I am sure that I won. So I stepped on the top of the medal podium, ripped the judges and posted on my Web site that I had won the "platinum" medal. People are saying I lack class. What do you say?

Evgeni P. (Russia)

Dear Figure Hater,

I am not familiar with figure skating scoring, so I can't comment about whether you were unfairly judged. However, a person with refined manners is always gracious in defeat, even if that defeat is unfair. You clearly were not gracious and need to be punished. I think having to participate in men's figure skating for several more years should sufficiently humiliate and humble you.

-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I am the editor of the Russian publication Pravda. In a recent edition, we accused the Canadian hockey team of being on drugs because they beat the Russian team 7-3.

We don't have any specific proof of them using drugs, but we lost fairly handily, so it's really the only excuse. Makes sense, yes?

E.-in-chief (Russia)

Dear Editor-in-grief,

Journalism and manners don't really mix, so this isn't my area of expertise.

But if Ben Johnson scored four or more of Canada's goals in that game, I think you should feel no shame about your claims.

-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

My hero is Michael Jordan. So, for my whole career, I have worn No. 23. However, I am now going to change to No. 6 to honor him. Do you think this is appropriate?

LeBron J. (Cleveland)

Dear Legend-Loving Lebron,

Do I? It's perfect! You have taken a step to sell more jerseys and make more money. There is no better way to honor Michael Jordan.

-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I recently held a news conference but did not allow any questions. The Golf Writers Association of America boycotted the event because of this. Did I do something wrong? I just wanted to make a public statement, not answer countless questions.

Tiger W. (Windermere, Fla.)

Dear Tiger Tale,

You probably should not have called it a news conference if there was to be no conferring. A person with refined manners is honest and sincere about his intentions. You also should have extended an olive branch to the writers. And I mean that literally. Sports writers will show up to any event that is catered. But golf writers are different. They're used to country club food, not stadium food. If you had served fancy food like prosciutto-wrapped truffles on olive branch skewers at your news conference, you would have gotten them there.

-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I am an Olympic skier who expressed some frustration during the Games that my teammate got so much attention. I mean, I medaled, too! But I am now worried I may have irreparably ruined a friendship. What do you think?

Julia M. (on a mountain somewhere)

Dear Jealous Julia,

Even those of us with the best manners sometimes speak out of frustration. But take heart and remember: Words are fleeting, and grudges rarely last forever. And I think that goes doubly when it comes to the Olympics. Now that they are over, I'm sure almost no one remembers what you said or did.

-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

Double McStomp olly bust triple flip with a hitch back double off trex. Air bust flip jack 360 quad bake board stoked?

Shaun W. (Broville)

Dear Syntax Shaun,

Rad? I hope that answers your question.

-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I am a baseball manager who sometimes has gotten into trouble for saying inappropriate things in the past. I just got a Twitter account. Is this a bad idea?

Ozzie G. (Chicago)

Dear Home Run Twitter,

You are a sportsman who has only "sometimes" said inappropriate things in the past? I'm not sure you will fit in on Twitter.

-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

Our hockey team won a gold medal at the Olympics. After the game, we came back out onto the ice with beer and champagne and cigars to celebrate. People criticized us for this. Did we do something wrong?

Team C. (Canada)

Dear Happy Hockeyers,

Of course not! As long as you weren't taunting the opposing team, you did nothing wrong. Congratulations!

-- Mr. Manners

Dear Mr. Manners,

I don't know whether this matters, but I forgot to mention that we are women.


-- Team C. (Canada)

Dear Classless Canucks,

You MONSTERS! Please never write me again.

-- Mr. Manners

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.

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