Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
INDIANA CANSECO is pursuing the kidnapped MARION through the streets of CAIRO. Emerging from a bazaar, CANSECO is confronted by a scimitar-wielding SWORDSMAN, who twirls his weapon in a deft display of fighting prowess.

SWORDSMAN: Hiyaaaaargggghh!

CANSECO smirks, then pulls a baseball out of his pocket. With an awkward pitching motion, he throws the baseball at the SWORDSMAN, who is knocked unconscious. CANSECO grimaces, holding his right arm.

CANSECO: Ow! Damn it! Why did I try to pitch? There goes the season!

SHORT ROUND, CANSECO'S sidekick, looks baffled.

CANSECO: Never mind the Ark of the Covenant, Short Round! You know any Egyptian doctors who do Tommy John surgery?

SHORT ROUND shrugs his shoulders. He picks up the baseball and flips it back to CANSECO. The ball hits CANSECO square in the forehead, then bounces over a nearby wall.

Lethal Weapon 2 (1989)
A bathroom. DETECTIVE MURTAUGH sits on a toilet, sweating profusely. He looks dazed, anxious, frightened. DETECTIVE CANSECO stands next to him, a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

MURTAUGH: I'm gonna die on a toilet, aren't I?

CANSECO: Guys like you don't die on toilets. On three, what do you say?


Jose Canseco
Jose Canseco didn't make many friends in major league baseball when he published his book, but he appears to have been right about some of his allegations.

CANSECO: One … two …

MURTAUGH: Wait, wait, wait!


MURTAUGH: Do we do it on three? Or one, two, three, then do it?

CANSECO: It's your butt, Cochise!

MURTAUGH: My butt, yeah. On three.

CANSECO: We go on three?


CANSECO and MURTAUGH count to three. MURTAUGH leaps up, screaming loudly. He grabs his rear end. CANSECO holds a used syringe. He grins.

MURTAUGH: Ow! Damn it, Canseco, watch where you stick that thing!

CANSECO: Hey, you wanted to know how I hit all those home runs, right?

MURTAUGH: I'm getting too old for this [expletive]! This will make a heck of a story someday.

CANSECO: Actually, I'm thinking an entire book chapter.

The Terminator (1984)
A Los Angeles police station. The CANSECONATOR gets out of his Ferrari and enters the building. A POLICE SERGEANT sits behind the desk.

CANSECONATOR: I'm a friend of Sarah Connor. I was told she was here. Could I see her, please?

POLICE SERGEANT: No, you can't. She's making a statement.

CANSECONATOR: Where is she?

POLICE SERGEANT: It may take awhile. Wanna wait? There's a bench over there.

The POLICE SERGEANT points to a bench. The CANSECONATOR looks around, then looks back at the POLICE SERGEANT.

CANSECONATOR: I'll be back.

The CANSECONATOR gets in his Ferrari, points it at the police station's front door and floors the gas pedal. The Ferrari spins out at 160 mph and hits a car belonging to ESTHER CANSECO. ESTHER CANSECO walks out of the police station.

ESTHER CANSECO: Oh, Jose, I was just filing a report about you. Hey, what the hell did you do to my car? Not again!

The CANSECONATOR emerges from the flaming wreckage of his totaled Ferrari. All that remains is a license plate reading 40-40. The CANSECONATOR surveys the damage with his red, cybernetic eye.

CANSECONATOR: I know now why you cry.



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