By Patrick Hruby
Page 2

NEW YORK -- Andre Agassi's last goodbye marks the end of a tennis era. The end of a fashion era, too. Before he morphed into a minimalist Mr. Clean, shorn scalp matching his no-frills duds, Agassi was the enfant terrible of tennis couture, a shameless sporter of acid-washed denim shorts, neon-yellow patterned shirts and a neo-pirate phase (dark bandanna, hoop earring) that called out for an on-court eye patch.

Sniff. He'll be missed.

Will today's players live up to Agassi's charisma and on-court accomplishments? Doubtful. Can they build on his legacy of fashion faults? If this year's U.S. Open is any indication, we're in good hands …

James Blake
The look: Early 1990s throwback (has it been -- gulp -- that long?) geometric spray paint shirt, oversized do-rag, hot pink, mid-thigh spandex shorts.
Inspired by: Young Andre Agassi, of course.
Resembles: A bicycle messenger; a sexually ambiguous pirate.
Sartorial statement: You know where you are?
You're in the jungle, baby! You're gonna diiiiie!

For best results: Pair with permed, frosty-blonde mullet. Shoulder parrot also appropriate.
Possible complications: Holding a knife in your mouth is harder than it looks. As any emergency room physician can tell you.



Mary Pierce
The look: Multicolored, polka-dot tank top.
Inspired by: Magic Eye puzzles; a sublethal dose of lysergic acid diethylamide.
Resembles: The inside of Timothy Leary's eyelids, back when he was alive; the Friday night Pink Floyd laser light show at the local planetarium.
Sartorial statement: My God. It's full of stars.
For best results: Don't trip alone!
Possible complications: Dry mouth, hyperthermia, nausea, insanity.



Gael Monfils
The look: Red sleeveless jersey top, baggy red basketball shorts.
Inspired by: High school hoops. Or maybe the NBDL.
Resembles: An outfit you shouldn't wear to the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Not if you value your limbs. And gonads.
Sartorial statement: Tiger Woods wears red. When was the last time that guy lost?
For best results: Include last name, number on back.
Possible complications: New York Knicks select you in the first round of the NBA draft; Knicks GM Isiah Thomas calls you a "very unique talent, a very unique player." Uh-oh.



Vince Spadea
The look: Pinkish-red baseball cap with gold glitter "S." Er, unless it's a "G." Or a snake. Heck, who knows?
Inspired by: Liberace.
Resembles: Something you might find at a shopping mall kiosk. HEY KIDS! MAKE YOUR OWN HAT! ONLY $9.99!
Sartorial statement: Gaze upon my shiny hat. Pay no attention to my rap career. Or the fact that Roger Federer is brushing me aside like so much dandruff.
For best results: No such thing in this case.
Possible complications: Glitter gets everywhere.



Tommy Robredo
The look: Old-school headband, haircut, semi-short shorts, multicolored argyle socks.
Inspired by: "The Royal Tenenbaums."
Resembles: What a NASCAR team would look like, if sponsored by Italian clothesmaker Sergio Tacchini. Really, it could happen.
Sartorial statement: In 20 years, this will look cool. Just wait. And wait. And wait ...
For best results: Grow a Bjorn Borg beard; embrace destiny as a jet-setting International Tennis Playboy.
Possible complications: Studio asks you to star in direct-to-DVD "My Super Ex-Girlfriend 2." No. No. A thousand times no.



Martina Hingis
The look: Mustard yellow two-tone top with what appears to be a strip of black electrical tape; skirt slit wayyyy too high on the right side.
Inspired by: Dada -- which, like Hingis, also hails from Switzerland.
Resembles: One of Denise Huxtable's handmade designer shirt knockoffs.
Sartorial statement: Fashion is dead. Here's the murder weapon.
For best results: Smash every mirror in the house -- and the light fixtures, too. Just to be sure.
Possible complications: Graffiti artist/stuntman Banksy sticks your outfit to the wall of the Tate Britain gallery, leaving you nothing to wear.



Tommy Haas
The look: Orange 'n' white striped shirt, two-tone backward baseball cap.
Inspired by: Oklahoma State, Illinois, Clemson, Tennessee, Syracuse, Texas and the Netherlands.
Resembles: A vanilla-orange Creamsicle bar.
Sartorial statement: I'm cold and hard on the outside, sweet and creamy on the inside. The ladies always fall for that, don't they?
For best results: Store outfit in freezer.
Possible complications: Kids don't want your autograph; they want to eat you.



Serena Williams
The look: "Pirates of the Caribbean" head sash; eggplant purple, red 'n' gold dress with a dragon motif on the back, geometric/snakeskin-ish patterns down the sides and a crimson Disc of Tron under one arm.
Inspired by: According to Serena, Asian influences. You know, like the "Mulan" Happy Meal (Chicken McNuggets, sweet and sour sauce).
Resembles: Oddly enough, James Whistler's "Nocturne in Black and Gold."
Sartorial statement: Like black, purple is slimming. Usually.
For best results: Dry clean only.
Possible complications: Fans remember the halcyon days when you stomped all comers in a skintight catsuit. Speaking of which, what happened?



Paul-Henri Mathieu
The look: Web-pattern shirt.
Inspired by: Marvel Comics.
Resembles: Spider-Man on Casual Friday.
Sartorial statement: With great power comes great responsibility. Good thing a great forehand is obligation-free!
For best results: Never let Mary Jane see your real face.
Possible complications: When Mayor Bloomberg flashes the Bat Light, you still feel compelled to go to work.



Bethanie Mattek
The look: Lace headband, frilly, floppy-armed top, knee-high bow-tied socks.
Inspired by: Too much free time; scissors.
Resembles: A nightgown caught in a paper shredder.
Sartorial statement: Toga! Toga!
For best results: When accepting Halloween candy, hold bag firmly.
Possible complications: Stadium security mistakes you for a male figure skater.

Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.




Patrick
Hruby
FASHION COURT