The NBA is banning straws? Really?
So what do we call this one? Strawgate?
The NBA has now put an end to Caron Butler's neurotic and bizarre habit of chewing straws during games. (As if the league doesn't have anything else to concern itself with.) The ban was "justified" by NBA VP of communications Tim Frank, who said the chewing of straws during games was "a safety issue."
Anyway, with all the things going on in the Association right now, we have to ask, why single out straws? It seems personal. If the NBA is going to place regulations on what players consume on the sidelines, they might as well go all-out and shut everything down.
• No toothpicks. (Don't want anyone looking like Archbishop Don "Magic" Juan.)
• No suckers or lollipops. (Don't want anyone looking like Telly Savalas, or an extra in an LL video.)
• No chewing on or biting fingernails. (Uh, LeBron )
• No gum chewing or popping.
• No Starburst, Skittles, Reese's Pieces or Jelly Bellies.
• No Gummi Bears. (Uh, Derrick Rose )
• No strips of licorice, beef jerky, long stems of blue grass, or those little green Starbucks lid stoppers.
• No silver spoons. (Usually provided by the children of players who have max contracts.)
• No rawhide, tree bark, Purina Beggin' Strips, headbands, or No. 2 pencils.
• No chewing on towels. (This is directed at any player who went to UNLV or played for Jerry Tarkanian.)
• No "Snappin' into Slim Jims."
• No toenails.
• And no strands of hair. (Just in case Chris Andersen starts pulling out some of his and handing them to other players as souvenirs.)
Scoop Jackson is a columnist for ESPN.com.