Quotes of the Year: Wisdom and lunacy
You've made it to the thrilling conclusion of Page 2's Quotes of the Year. Follow the twists and turns, the drama, the suspense and the romance as we round out the top 20:
20. "I was jacked leaving that room. I didn't even want to visit another room. It was not enough time. We were excited. We were enthusiastic. There was passion. It was just intense, and it was ball, and it was juice. The juice level in that room was high, and it was awesome."
-- Tim Tebow, on meeting with then-Broncos coach Josh McDaniels at the NFL scouting combine
Page 2 spin: Too bad Tebow played in the SEC, because "Ball" and "Juice" would've been fantastic names for the Big Ten's football divisions.
19. "I do understand the lure of the maple bars."
-- Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, on wide receiver Golden Tate trespassing into a gourmet doughnut shop at 3 a.m.
Page 2 spin: Indeed, there are far worse ways to trespass.
18. "Those pictures were taken and sent over a year and a half ago, so I've definitely grown since then."
-- Trail Blazers center Greg Oden, on nude photos of him in circulation on the Internet
Page 2 spin: Delivered without a hint of irony.
17. "It's a sad day all around. In a world of difficult problems, it does not match health care, Israel, terrorism or education. The world won't end with this situation but it is sad."
-- American Basketball Association chief executive officer Joe Newman, on the San Francisco Rumble forfeiting the league's Western Conference championship because the team couldn't afford the $21,000 to travel to Port Arthur, Texas
Page 2 spin: Now there's a sports figure who can keep things in perspective. We think.
16. "If he was charged with being a colossal a--hole, I would find him guilty. Of assault causing bodily harm, I find him not guilty."
-- Prince Edward Island Judge John Douglas, on junior hockey player Chris Doyle
Page 2 spin: If Page 2 ever launches a sports version of "The People's Court," we've already found a magistrate.
15. "If you send a woman a picture of your junk, it should be humongous. ... That's one of the Ten Commandments."
-- Basketball Hall of Famer Charles Barkley, on the Brett Favre cell phone photo controversy
Page 2 spin: Barkley's mouth should get its own plaque at the Hall of Fame.
14. "Right now we're like the Germans in World War II. Here comes the boats, they're coming. You have the binoculars, and it's like, 'Oh, my God, the invasion is coming.'"
-- Tennessee football coach Derek Dooley, on his team's struggles
Page 2 spin: Dooley's comparison is dubious enough, but don't forget that Nick Saban once drew an analogy to two historical tragedies.
13. "I told you, I was shaving."
-- Indiana woman Megan Barnes, to a Florida state trooper who asked her why she didn't apply the brakes before causing an auto accident
Page 2 spin: Barnes was apparently shaving her bikini line while driving and enlisted a passenger, her ex-husband, to hold the wheel. Meantime, she was on her way to visit her boyfriend in Key West. Umm, moving on ...
12. "I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO..."
-- Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson, after dropping the potential winning touchdown pass against the Steelers
Page 2 spin: So, let's get this straight, Stevie: You're saying that God is gazing down from the heavens and looking past war, oppression, starvation and myriad tragedies to influence a football game? Come on, even if God does watch the NFL, there's no way he's watching the Bills.
11. "I put every dollar I have into this. I've spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It's cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality. ... The songs will make an impact in pop history."
-- Reality TV personality Heidi Montag, on her foray into the music industry
Page 2 spin: Montag's album sold fewer than 1,000 copies in its first week -- cue sound effect -- and the amount spent on production is coincidentally about the same figure that she and Z-list husband Spencer Pratt owe in back taxes.
10. "If you touch my junk, I'm going to have you arrested."
-- Oceanside, Calif., resident John Tyner, to a Transportation Security Administration worker at San Diego International Airport
Page 2 spin: We'd love to know where Charles Barkley stands on this issue.
9. "Nobody is getting anywhere near my man Axl Rose with a knife."
-- Former Skid Row lead singer Sebastian Bach, after tackling a potential attacker at a private Guns N' Roses concert
Page 2 spin: If Bach ever decides to retire from music, he has a bright future waiting for him as a TSA officer.
8. "What an a--hole you are. How can you put your leg there where it can get run over, man?"
-- Argentinian soccer legend Diego Maradona, to a journalist he had just run over with his car
Page 2 spin: Maradona possesses the driving skills of Randy Moss and the sensibility of Jose Canseco -- in other words, he's truly a Page 2 treasure.
"I'm 65 years old, but people don't say those kinds of things to me. ... Please call me. Someone who has no guts to write something like that needs to have his a-- kicked."
-- Texas A&M athletic director Bill Byrne, in a voice mail to an alumnus who sent him a vulgar e-mail
Page 2 spin: Byrne later apologized for the message, saying, "I regretted what I said as soon as I hung up." Among friends, we wonder if he's willing to admit it was awesome. Because it was.
6. "I've made mistakes, I clearly did, but what I was hoping for was that some other dumb--- would get on the front page and take me off the hook. I miss Lane Kiffin."
-- Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl
Page 2 spin: Say what you want about Pearl's recruiting methods, but the man knows how to preach to a fan base.
5. "Every second I'm talking to you is another second I'm not at Waffle House."
-- Tennessee forward Wayne Chism, on talking to the media
Page 2 spin: If Page 2's Quotes of the Year was a tournament, the Volunteers would be a No. 1 seed. Easily.
4. "What do I know about college football? I look like Orville Redenbacher. I have no business talking about college football."
-- Ohio State president E. Gordon Gee, backpedaling from the comment that landed him at No. 24 on this list
Page 2 spin: You'll get no argument here ... on either point.
3. "My life is like a tornado, a f---ing hurricane. It's like I'm a naked tornado that comes through a city and there's just so much wreckage. There's so much destruction, and when it's finally over, it's like the morning after and you're sober and ... what the f--- happened here?"
-- Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson
Page 2 spin: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Walt Whitman. Mike Tyson.
2. "I'm going to take my talents to South Beach."
-- LeBron James, announcing that he would sign with the Miami Heat
Page 2 spin: Lack of self-awareness is a gift that keeps on giving, as in this quote from earlier this week: "I had no idea what the word 'contraction' meant before I saw it on the Internet."
1. "I am on the toilet thinking about writing a third book."
-- Former baseball star Jose Canseco
Page 2 spin: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner.
Thomas Neumann is an editor for Page 2.
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