Party of Five wants Charlie Weis' buyout

Originally Published: May 17, 2011
Page 2

POFKurt Snibbe/

Welcome to another edition of Page 2's Party of Five, where five writers tackle five questions that the world needs answered right now.

(Or later, depending on how much time you have to kill.)

Today, we'll discuss Charlie Weis' big payday, pile on the Mets and Fred Wilpon, take the temperature of Harvey Updyke's alibi and worry about Jim Calhoun and life without the NFL.

1. If you were Charlie Weis, what would you buy with your $6.6 million buyout from Notre Dame?

Jim Caple: Hello? All-U-Can-Eat at the Bellagio.

Dave Wilson: I'd go out and get the sweetest ride I could find. Maybe something like this.

DJ Gallo: I'd first give my agent a generous cut, because he's the one who made me my fortune off of Notre Dame losing to USC my first season. The guy is a genius. Then I'd I put away another large portion for a rainy/hungry day. And I'd give the rest to Notre Dame to create a scholarship fund for students who have an interest in creating pyramid schemes.

Philbrick: I would hire locked-out NFL players to announce, "Heeeerrrrree's, Charlie" every time I entered a room. I would buy Bill Belichick this watch to say thanks. Finally, I would offer to give the money back if they replaced the mural of Touchdown Jesus with me.

Thomas Neumann: A. Purchase a larger-than-life statue of myself with the inscription, "Chaz Weis, head coach, 2008 Hawaii Bowl champions."

B. Procure a tricked-out sideline cart with vanity license plates that read, "CHICK MAGNET."

C. Buy back Tom Brady's dignity for him.

D. Invest in a good home security system.

2. Mets owner Fred Wilpon finally followed the Steinbrenner template and ripped his players. If he had always done this, what could we have expected him to say about past teams or players?

Wilson: I think we could count on him calling the Mets-era version of Mo Vaughn a "fat toad."

Caple: On Joe Torre: "Some schmuck hired him. He can't manage. And he certainly can't manage in New York."

On Bobby Bonilla: "Give him whatever he wants and just defer the payments. A great player like him is worth it, and besides, we'll make so much money on our investments with Madoff that the payments will be a drop in the bucket come 2011".

On Mr. Met: "Do you think we could get Bobby Bo to put on the costume and earn at least some of those deferred payments?"

Wilson: "We have guys named Mookie AND Mackey and can't get back to the World Series? We're snakebitten, baby."

Philbrick: Wait, does a "Boss" version of Fred Wilpon also mean we need to think of him dissolving into tears when they finally win? If that's the case, I'd rather just take the physical challenge.

Gallo: I guess this would mean that George Costanza would have worked for the Mets instead of the Yankees. "Seinfeld" may not have made it. I'm just not sure George's character would have been funny as a Mets employee. George's character was supposed to be pathetic, but there are limits to how pitiful someone can be and still get laughs. Mets-style pathetic is way beyond that line.

Neumann: On Tom Seaver: "Really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar."

On Dave Kingman: "He thinks he's going to get Dave Winfield money. ... He won't get it."

On Lenny Dykstra: "Keep him far away from my investments ... and my daughter."

3. Accused Auburn tree-poisoner Harvey Updyke says he is innocent, that he was aware of the crime only because he was told about it by a guy sitting next to him at the Iron Bowl game. On a scale of 1 to 10, how believable is this alibi?

Caple: I'm not sure about on a 1-to-10 scale. But I'd slip it somewhere between a politician's campaign promise and a general manager saying that a manager/coach's job is safe.

Wilson: I'm gonna go with a 10. Super believable. He called a radio show and claimed credit for a devious act that no one had heard of only because he wanted to upset Auburn fans. But that same perverse joy wouldn't apply to actually doing it, I'm sure, right? Plus, he says the real culprit was a guy in his 30s, with brown hair and an Alabama pullover, which is really helpful. Matter of fact, I found a picture of some people who fit that exact description. That should narrow it down.

Neumann: I'm going to say .486, which coincidentally is the combined winning percentage of Mike DuBose, Dennis Franchione, Mike Price and Mike Shula at Alabama.

Philbrick: I'm going with a 10. We've all been there. Who hasn't taken credit for a crime, and then between the arrest, arraignment, interviews and nonapologies, things tend to be forgotten. Things like your entire alibi after you realize you might spend 10 years in jail.

Gallo: I'd give it a 2. Not very believable. Note: On my Alabama-related believability scale, 1 -- the lowest -- is reserved for any job opening-related comments that Nick Saban makes. So I'm giving Harvey the lowest for which he is eligible.

4. UConn will lose two scholarships as a result of UConn's poor academic performance rating. Coach Jim Calhoun's contract calls for him to donate $100,000 to a scholarship fund and also forfeit an $87,500 bonus for winning the national championship as a result of the APR sanction. Which will hurt Calhoun worse -- losing the scholarships or the money?

Wilson: So the academics suffered a bit due to the pursuit of athletic excellence. Big deal. At least his program's integrity is beyond reproach.

Philbrick: For those of you scoring at home on your Calhoun "Not A Dime Back!" Meters, that's 1,875,000 Franklin Delano Roosevelts he is giving back.

Neumann: If Calhoun was 39, 49 or even 59 years old, I'd say the scholarships. But he's 69 and just won his third national championship. He can't be long for that job. So I'm going to say he will miss the money more, because HE'D LIKE TO RETIRE SOMEDAY!!!!!

By the way, if those 1,875,000 dimes were stacked, the pile would be more than three times taller than the tallest structure in the world, the 2,717-foot Burj Khalifa skyscraper in Dubai. If those 1,875,000 dimes were spread out side by side, they would stretch the distance of 1,172 regulation basketball courts -- or nearly 21 miles.

Caple: However high the coins would stack, they would not even reach the navel of his monstrous sense of self-importance.

Philbrick: With Geno Auriemma and the Lady Huskies falling short of a title this year, I'm guessing Coach Jim couldn't care less about how many dimes or scholarships are taken away. Also, the "Home of the 2011 NCAA champions" sign at Exit 68 on I-84 isn't coming down anytime soon, so he'll probably be over this by lunch.

Gallo: Does UConn have to abide by the punishment if no one reads it? (Thanks to K. Walker of Storrs, Conn., for sending in that line.)

5. Ray Lewis told ESPN's Sal Paolantonio: "Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game." What sort of "evil acts" would you consider if you were bored due to the NFL lockout?

Caple: I'm confused. Is Lewis saying fans would resort to crime if they weren't able to gamble illegally on football or that players would resort to crime -- say, obstructing an investigation of a still-unsolved murder (just to name a random crime) -- if they couldn't play?

Wilson: If there's no football, I may have to join a fantasy NASCAR league. So I totally smell what Ray's cookin'.

Neumann: If the NFL lockout does derail the regular season, it will cut down on at least one form of crime.

Gallo: On the other hand, if there is an NFL season, the crime against football that is the Baltimore Ravens offense continues on unchecked. So I suppose we're doomed either way.

And speaking of evil ... the fire, the smoke, the wild convulsions of his body. GET THAT MAN AN EXORCIST!

Philbrick: With the advancements in HDTV and not sofa/recliner technology, it would be a crime not to find something else to watch. So I'm going with standing up and going outside as my leisure felony in an NFL-less world.

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