Party of Five wants to be consulted

Originally Published: June 2, 2011
Page 2

POFKurt Snibbe/

Welcome to another edition of Page 2's Party of Five, where five writers tackle five questions that the world needs answered right now.

(Or later, depending on how much time you have to kill.)

Today, we'll discuss the NBA Finals, Jim Tressel, the Lakers' coaching search, the Atlanta Thrashers' move, and even Avril Lavigne's potty mouth.

1. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh dominated in Game 1 of the NBA Finals. Is America ready to deal with it if their plan pays off this quickly?

Dave Wilson: There are still plenty of games to play, but I'll give them some credit for even getting this far. It's not easy to win, even if you just go out and buy the best players and team them up like you're playing a video game. Or at least that's what Daniel Snyder wants us to believe.

Thomas Neumann: Not so fast, fellas. As any analyst worth his salt will tell you, a series doesn't really start until the road team wins a game ... and we've yet to hear from the beast that is Brian Cardinal.

Jim Caple: America won't mind. America has more important issues to deal with than whether the Big Three wins the championship. America doesn't have time to worry about it in our current world and financial situation. Because America must come together and put aside its partisan politics and work together to keep the Big Three from winning "Dancing With The Stars."

Mike Philbrick: Well, I live in America, and speaking on behalf of all of us: No. It's not just the title. It's seeing them on every "SportsCenter" intro, and knowing that with the impending lockout we might be watching that clip for the next three years.

DJ Gallo: The good news is that they all signed only six-year contracts. So America should really enjoy the 2016-17 season.

2. The Ohio State tattoo scandal finally caught up to coach Jim Tressel. What tattoo would best represent his Buckeyes tenure?

Wilson: I think the perfect image is the logo from "Lost." Because, like Tressel, it started out strong, looked like it belonged among the all-time greats, then pissed everyone off with the ending.

Neumann: Brutus Buckeye wielding an AK-47 and a bottle of Grey Goose. Yeah, I think that about sums it up.

Caple: To best reflect the academic excellence of the football program, I suggest a simple one: The Ohioh Stat Univrsitie

Philbrick: I like the Brutus idea, but I'm going with Brutus driving off into the sunset in a Nissan 350Z with temporary plates with a pair of gold pants dangling from the rearview mirror.

Gallo: Imagine one of the most beautiful tattoos you have ever seen. And then imagine that later on, you found out that the guy who gave it to you didn't clean his instruments and now you have hepatitis.

3. Should the Lakers have consulted Kobe Bryant about the hiring of Mike Brown?

Gallo: They hired Mike Brown. Forget Kobe. They should have consulted anyone.

Neumann: Is this the first time an NBA team has plucked its head coach from the Ohio middle school football coaching ranks?

Wait, scratch that. If memory serves me, Isiah Thomas pulled that move in Toronto.

Wilson: Sure. Just a simple question would've sufficed. "Kobe, will you give the same extraordinary effort to ignoring Mike Brown's offense that did to Phil Jackson's?"

Neumann: Whaddya mean? Kobe will love the Mike Brown offense. Just roll out the ball and run isolation for the superstar.

Philbrick: The Lakers are a business, not a democracy. They have strict guidelines on how to conduct their affairs, which has led to success over multiple decades. If Kobe wanted to be consulted on front office matters, he should know the only way you can do that is to fool around with the boss' daughter.

Caple: Forget Kobe. We should all be allowed to approve our new boss. Will you give me a raise? Will you double my vacation? Can I come in an hour later and leave two hours earlier? Will you allow me to look at porn on the company computer? Will you arrange the entire company production line around getting me the ball?

4. For the second time, Canada has stolen Atlanta's hockey team with the Thrashers moving to Winnipeg. What's Canada got against Atlanta?

Wilson: Oh, sure, play it safe. Take the team back where the "game was invented" and people actually "care about it." The six Canadian teams sold 99.3 percent of their tickets this year. Isn't all that rabid fandom and consistency boring?

Neumann: Don't look now, but Page 2's dubious network of sources is reporting that UGA is exploring the possibility of moving to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Caple: And I was just getting used to "hockey between the hedges.''

Gallo: It's not so much about Canada taking hockey from Atlanta. It's the giving that is cruel. How many times do the people of Atlanta have to show Canada that they don't like their sport? Southern manners prevent them from just spelling it out to Canada with a note: "Dear Canada -- Unless you're giving us an extra college football team (that plays in the SEC), we really don't care. At all. Please leave us alone. Ice is for iced tea only. Signed, Atlanta."

Philbrick: I think the question should be: Why was the NHL so mad at Canada? Did Canada promise to get everyone bootleg Bryan Adams CDs and forgot? Did they ruin that time everyone went to the "South Park" movie by crying at that one song? Did they keep saying "aboot" even after they were told to stop? This would be like MLB laughing in the face of America by granting two franchises to the Great White North. Wait ...

5. Pop star Avril Lavigne went off on an obscenity-filled rant during her show after a Tampa Bay Rays game, part of the team's summer concert series, upsetting some fans. What lesson can we learn from this?

Wilson: I guess that's what you get for booking such edgy entertainment. Also, If you raise your average Saturday attendance by 6,000 fans by having iCarly and Avril Lavigne play after a major league game, then you're doing it wrong. You don't get to have a baseball team anymore.

Neumann: Clearly, the Rays are going about this all wrong. They need to rethink the entire concert strategy. Two words: NIGHT RANGER.

Philbrick: I refrain from even thinking about any question that presents even the slightest possibility of the songs "Sk8er Boi" or "Complicated" stuck in my head.

Wilson: Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated, Philbrick?

Gallo: Looks like we finally have an answer to the age-old question: "If someone goes on an obscenity-filled rant and no one is there to hear it because it happened at a Tampa Bay Rays game, will it still make the news?"

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