A look behind the curtain of Patriots espionage
As news continues to develop regarding allegations that the Patriots spied on the Jets during Sunday's game at the Meadowlands, Page 2 tapped into its extensive network of sources to reveal further details of New England's espionage.
• In a marketing coup through stadium sponsor Gillette, all Gillette razors sold nationwide are bugged and outfitted with GPS devices.
• Each one of Asante Samuel's dreadlocks is a stick of dynamite.
• Laurence Maroney's gold teeth come from his apprenticeship under Jaws.
• Tom Brady can burn through locks with his smoldering eyes.
• The apostrophe in Donte' Stallworth's name is actually is a listening device.
• Vince Wilfork conceals a surveillance van underneath his jersey.
• Former wide receiver Reche Caldwell's eyeballs were actually surveillance cameras, but like his hands, they malfunctioned in the AFC Championship Game.
• Bill Belichick has hired Bill Belichick to maintain surveillance on Bill Belichick. (No one else can be trusted to handle such a sensitive assignment.)
• Belichick has the wives of 24 NFL coaches on his payroll.
• Defensive lineman Le Kevin Smith, offensive lineman Logan Mankins and wide receiver Jabar Gaffney are clearly using ridiculous aliases.
• Team bus equipped with smoke screen and oil slick devices.
• Adalius Thomas was signed from the Ravens to head New England's organized crime division.
• Ted Johnson knew too much, and we suspect Belichick had his memory erased.
• The entire Cincinnati Bengals' roster has been outfitted with tracking bracelets.
• An operative working inside the Dolphins organization executed Miami's trade for 37-year-old quarterback Trent Green.
• WR/DB/KR Troy Brown is a shape-shifter who can spy by becoming players on other teams.
• Tedy Bruschi is a superhero (but that's no secret).
• Wide receiver Wes Welker was signed primarily because he's able to fit in crawl spaces and doggie doors at opposing teams' headquarters.
Sound off to Page 2 here.