Power Rankings: PGA blues edition

Originally Published: August 16, 2010
By Greg Hardy | Special to Page 2

It's time to play by the rules and regulations of the the Page 2 Power Rankings! Our formula combines the results of two surveys: a human poll concocted by ESPN Page 2's Greg Hardy and a scientifically calibrated poll generated by computer analysis. Unfortunately, our laptop hasn't been able to reboot since we dropped it on the ground at Whistling Straits on Thursday and it was declared a playable bunker hazard for the rest of the weekend. To the results!

1. Golf's window pains

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.8 9.9 19.7

Credentials: Talk about life in a fishbowl. We'll be talking for a long time about how the most interesting camera work of the 2010 PGA Championship was when we were spying on Dustin Johnson's body language as he was told behind closed doors -- but not blocked windows -- that he was being penalized out of his chance at a playoff in a major. Actually, the footage we're dying to see is how Johnson and his caddie, Bobby Brown, (no, not that Bobby Brown) looked at their copy of the "local rules" printout, crumpled it up and decided that rather than reading about how they could stay in contention to win hundreds of thousands of extra dollars, it would be more fun to play wastepaper basketball. And give credit that, while we watched Johnson through the looking glass, he didn't go all Whitney Houston on the officials once he learned his fate.

2. Tim Tebow

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
9.3 9.4 18.7

Credentials: Or should we say, "Timmy Trailblazer!"? He was the first sophomore to win a Heisman Trophy. Now he'll be the first player to be named league MVP after completing eight of 13 passes as a third-string QB in the second half of his team's first preseason game. Time for a party! Brady Quinn, you won't be doing anything worthwhile again. Why don't you drive out and pick up some 6-foot subs?

3. Udonis Haslem

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
8.6 9.4 18.0

Credentials: The NBA's Miami Sparks -- er, Heat -- drew more controversy when the veteran forward was arrested and charged with marijuana possession by the Florida Highway Patrol. This might explain why his unaired version of "The Decision" was seven hours long and sponsored by a beef jerky company.

4. No Twins no-hitter

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.5 8.8 16.3

Credentials: Manager Ron Gardenhire didn't see Kevin Slowey throwing a no-hitter through seven innings. He saw a guy who had thrown 106 pitches and needed to take a seat for his own good. Fans didn't like it, but that's how different parties see the game differently. Besides, every Twins pitcher has a clause in his contract stating that tallying six innings of no-hit ball entitles him to a $50 Target gift card, so he was already taken care of.

5. Ryder Cup Tiger

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
7.9 7.7 15.6

Credentials: A role-playing question: You're captain of the U.S. Ryder Cup team, but Tiger Woods doesn't have enough points to qualify. Do you pass him by in favor of a golfer who is playing better, or do you extend Tiger an invitation that includes, in fine print: "By the way, Tiger, there is no way I actually invite you and your whacked-out game right now, but I just wanted to kick you while you're down to make up for all the times you spanked us through the years."

6. "Star Wars" in Orlando

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
6.1 6.6 12.7

Credentials: Thousands of fans converged at a convention center to celebrate their love of George Lucas' landmark films and the billions and billions of hours of pop culture garbage that followed in their wake. Hope they're as happy as a Wookiee in a Jacuzzi full of Ewok bourbon. But did you ever notice that when it comes to March Madness and fantasy football, there will be business survey groups that calculate how many productivity hours are wasted by people enjoying sports when they should be working? But all these "Star Wars" fans must have taken off work from somewhere, and nobody cares how much of their productivity was wasted. Guess they all got somebody to cover their shifts at the food court's GameStop before they drove down to Florida.

7. Strasburg's marching orders

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.8 6.5 12.3

Credentials: The Washington Nationals' grizzled veteran rookie phenom pitcher gave a "you're either with us or against us" ultimatum for the signing of No. 1 draft pick Bryce Harper. Yup, Stephen Strasburg was showing he's the type of clubhouse leader who doesn't hand out engraved invitations to join his team. Even though he can afford to send invitations to everyone at a baseball stadium to join him for lunch at Chili's that are literally engraved in gold bars. Signed and numbered, a true collectible, don't lose it if you find one.

8. Wolverine interrogation

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.2 5.3 10.5

Credentials: Poor Rich Rodriguez. The Michigan coach had to show up at a Seattle hotel to endure a seven-and-a-half hour grilling by the NCAA Committee on Infractions about compliance issues. Why such an inquisition when the school already admitted it had thrown all its copies of the rulebooks into the school's golf course bunkers? For real punishment, the NCAA should have figured out a way to get RichRod stuck in the hotel elevator with Jim Tressel for seven and a half hours while the Ohio State coach read "Twilight" fan fiction out loud.

9. Tila Tequila

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
5.3 4.4 9.7

Credentials: When will America realize that the headline "Tila Tequila Attacked at Gathering of the Juggalos" is not to be laughed at but rather prized as a perfect name for a fantasy football team.

10. Arena football championship

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
4.4 4.5 8.9

Credentials: Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Storm and the Spokane Shock for qualifying for this year's title game. Thanks for reminding us that there's still room in American sports for a professional league where the majority of people in the stands make more money than the guys on the field.

11. More "Expendables"

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
3.8 3.7 7.5

Credentials: A $35 million opening for Sylvester Stallone's salute to bad '80s action flicks (especially the bad '80s action flicks he bazooka'd us with in the first place) basically prints Sly a license to make at least four more sequels. So, Michael Cera shouldn't feel too bad about "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" limping to the weekend's fifth-best box office haul because that will keep his schedule free to bulk up in time for 2018's "The Expendables 4: Revenge of the 'Roided-Up Nerds" (Sly's salute to '80s comedies he rented on VHS).

12. Hockey weddings

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
3.6 3.3 6.9

Credentials: First, singer Carrie Underwood got laced up to Mike Fisher. Now, singer Hilary Duff iced the knot with Mike Comrie. For anyone who says the NHL isn't getting nationwide exposure, those games must be airing in the LA area somehow.

13. "True Blood" news flash

Human Poll Computer Poll Power Points Trending
2.3 2.4 4.7

Credentials:If you saw the spine-tingling way Russell grabbed the attention of a TV anchor's telecast, now you know why ESPN has a strict policy of keeping the "SportsCenter" set closed to vampires during live taping.

Also receiving votes
• Jerry Jones on "Entourage": Of course, the Cowboys owner thought he was being filmed for the pilot of an HBO documentary series about himself.

Never receiving votes
• WWE SummerSlam: It's not a gimmick if The Undertaker comes back from a three-month absence. It is a gimmick if The Undertaker comes back and gets smacked with a metal folding chair by Lane Kiffin.

Greg Hardy is a Page 2 contributor. It's all pop culture all the time at

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