Some other comparisons, and only because this is a fun game: Colin Farrell/Penny Hardaway … Kathleen Turner/Shawn Kemp … Michael Jackson/O.J. Simpson … Bill Hicks/Drazen Petrovic … Ben Affleck/Nomar Garciaparra … Alicia Silverstone/Danica Patrick (you know, when she flames out) … River Phoenix/Lenny Bias … Matthew McConaughey/Ricky Williams … Judd Nelson/Steve Avery … Jean-Claude Van Damme/Carl Pickens … Kevin Smith/Bernie Kosar … Sam Kinison/Mark Fidrych … Christian Slater/John Daly … Courtney Love/Roy Tarpley … Eddie Murphy/Frank Thomas … Vanilla Ice/Rick Ankiel … Anna Kournikova/Anna Kournikova … and there's no possible equivalent to Jason Giambi or Mike Tyson.

Q: I was about to see the remake of "The Longest Yard" without seeing the original (I'm 14). After I read your article, I decided to rent it instead. While I'm sure it was better than the Sandler version, I was thoroughly disappointed with the original. I wouldn't say it was horrible, but I certainly didn't think it was good. What you see is the movie trying to be introspective, funny, etc., but at the same time I saw confusion. The scene where Ray Nitschke gets hit in the groin was great but you felt bad about laughing when he wasn't breathing at the end (not to say it wasn't funny). Also, the slow-motion scene at the end was outdated. I'm sure that it was revolutionary at the time and everything, but so was a PC. Maybe you should reconsider the relevance of the movie.
–David Roher, Chappaqua, N.Y.

SG: It's official – this is the oldest moment of my life.

Q: Is it just me or is Ozzie Guillen some sort of next generation Tony Montana? The first time I saw him lose it in a press conference I thought I was watching a test scene for "Scarface 2: Back in the Minors." When Frank Thomas eventually goes down with his yearly injury can't you totally see a bug-eyed Ozzie standing over his bedside snarling: "I can't even have a kid with you! Your womb, is so, polluted!" And what happens when the Sox start to slump in the second half? Does Ozzie slide completely into the role of Tony and eventually kill most of the Twins before finally having his throat cut from behind by Jacque Vaughn?
–J.S. McCredy, Chicago

SG: I actually thought Jose Guillen sounded exactly like Tony Montana when he was calling Mike Scioscia a piece of garbage after Wednesday's game. I kept expecting him to start screaming, "[Bleep] the [bleeping] Diaz brothers!" These are the kinds of things they should be figuring out on "Baseball Tonight" – which baseball player or manager sounds the most like Tony Montana. And while we're on the subject, can you imagine if 69-year-old Frank Robinson had decked Scioscia? That would have dwarfed every baseball fight that ever happened – Nolan Ryan would have to find Robin Ventura at a baseball card show and beat him into a bloody pulp just to take his title back.

Q: I've been reading your columns on the toilet for about five years now, so I feel we're close enough that I can tell you this: Some of these people in your mailbag columns, who get drunk at a game or watching a game, then feel the need to e-mail you at 2 in the morning and complain about it … are scary. I swear, if I ever go out and feel the need when I come home all bleary-eyed to e-mail some dude I've never met who complains about reality TV for a living instead of a) getting in bed with my girlfriend, or b) grubbing down and then passing out, I want someone to kill me. You should hide, one of these weirdos is probably outside your window now.
–Bob Pfeiffer, Atlanta



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