By The Intern
Page 2

Last Tuesday, an 11-month shirt odyssey came to a lackluster end.

Some guys like pink polos with flipped-up collars. I've always been a sucker for jerseys. Alonzo Mourning, Hornets. MJ, Bulls. Rod Woodson, Steelers. Edgerrin James, Colts. Brazil soccer. Larry Bird, Indiana State. Rasheed Wallace, UNC. It's like G. Dep said back in 2001, "It's good to have some originality rather than rock a regular jersey that 49 other (take a guess) got." I take this very seriously.

Here's an example: I was walking around campus last year when a friend spotted All-ACC swingman Rashad McCants. He pointed to McCants and said, "Hey, is that an Indiana State jersey?"

My reaction, verbatim: "I bought it first."

Ruined my day.

A few months later, that partially in mind, I began my the quest for the jersey I was sure no other person alive would have, a project that -- you'd never guess -- became way more trouble than it was worth:

The P. Martinez #45 throwback from his days with the Dodgers.

The first dilemma: Pedro and his brother Ramon were on the same L.A. team for just over a season back in '92-'93, and all the pictures of Pedro that I could find were head on. Not knowing if they went with R. and P. on the backs, I consulted the one guy I knew who loves the Red Sox, lives in L.A. and might have access to this sort of ridiculous minutae ... Simmons. His response:

"No idea, but you should get A Martinez. That would be much funnier!"

Ho, thanks a million! I decided on P. Martinez. The second obstacle: MLB will only print jerseys of current players on current teams or people that never played the game. Apparently there's some serious money to be made off the Rondell White Journeyman Collection Distant Replays is planning. I submitted my order anyway after convincing myself that are probably 3 million guys in greater L.A. named P. Martinez, so there was no way they could deny me. I got rejected a few days later, and unlike Princeton, the didn't bother sending a letter.

Back to square one, I had to order a blank authentic Dodgers jersey and send it to Buffalo, N.Y., to get custom-stitched. When I finally got it back six weeks later I had to admit, it was pretty sharp. Unfortunately six weeks later was October 2003. Late October 2003 to be more precise. So with no opportunities to show it off in the proper MLB venue (Fenway Park), it sat in my dresser for so long that it got a wood stain.

That brings us to Tuesday. Pedro on the hill against the D-Rays. And P. Martinez #45 making its debut in Section 41, Row 32, Seat 15. No standing ovation. No free beers. Not get on "Not Your Typical Fan" on the Red Sox TV broadcast. Three sentences about it the entire game: one from a guy on the way to a urinal, another from a confused spectator and a third from a guy wearing a Dodgers hat. Local recording artist "Flynn!" got a better reception when he sang the national anthem.

So now I know. It's just a regular shirt.

One thing before we get started, this move's been hyped up for some time, but it's finally happening: we're switching over to GMail. Like Simmons always says, "We didn't give up on Comcast. We thought it was fantastic!" (So please don't take away NFL Network.) But the possibility of being the first person on the planet to fill up a 1 GB mailbox was just too alluring. Plus, the thought of the built-in ads I'll get from Google -- like reading an email about Dave Wannstedt and getting an ad for mustache thickener -- makes it well worth the invasion of privacy. Besides the suffixes, the addresses will stay exactly how they are. The first two are self-explanatory. The third one I'll clarify: -- Quote of the Day -- Links of the Week -- If you've got a question for Simmons' mailbag, this isn't the place to go. Use the submission form on the Page 2 site for that. But if you have 1) A correction for B.S. Exposed or 2) A point to make rather than a question, use this email. Believe it or not, every word of this stuff gets read, and a whole bunch of rants are archived on my hard drive in obscure word files like TeenWolfUnzippedFlyGuyisaSHE.doc. We'll get to them soon. Really. We will.

Onto the links ...

Detroit Free Press (9/15) -- They oughta hand this one out at NBA rookie camp. If she's telling the truth, this woman could change Morris Peterson's nickname from MoPete to No, Pete, I'm all set, thanks.

(Simmons adds: "Is anyone else excited for a backcourt of VC and VD?")

Detroit Free Press (9/13) -- OK, quick note about my fantasy league. My starting QB doesn't care where he "doesn't lose," be it Timbuktu or Greenland. And I have Brian Westbrook and Derek Mason just sitting there. JUST SITTING THERE!

USA Today (9/12) -- In one week, Chuck Sheen greenlights a Denise Richards Playboy spread and Neve Campbell says, "My issue with nude scenes is only when I feel that they're added just for the sake of the box office, with nothing to contribute to the film itself"? then says she's doing a shower scene. Now throw into the mix a scene involving Nicole Kidman naked with a pre-teen that causes Italians to boo. My point: If you see a "Freaky Friday: The Unrated Edition" banner ad above my column, we'll know the apocalypse is on the way...for pubescent males.

(And P.S.: From the "They're not?gonna?get 'em" department, despite being named Playgirl's sexiest newscaster, Keith Olbermann, citing concern for "the sake of humankind," says he won't pose nude. Next stop: Craiggers!) Arrrrr you doing anything on Sunday? If not, it's apparently national Talk Like a Pirate Day. I'm sure "When's Anna Benson coming back?" has been beaten to hell in Pittsburgh. (9/12) -- An anecdote about Tiger Woods that I won't spoil. Just run a Ctrl+F for either "piano" or "can of whoop ass." Sadly, no, it doesn't take place outside a Rum Runners at 4 a.m.

(Simmons adds: "Wait a second... wait a second... there's a movie where Neve Campbell has a naked shower scene????????? It took me almost four paragraphs to digest this. Only my intern would casually throw this out without giving details. I really need to give him a pep talk. Or at least some better drugs.")

Orlando Sentinel (9/12), registration -- Find a password for this one. A story on why there are so few white running backs in all levels of football, exploring every major scenario and using every relevant source. It seems to be a blend of genetics, environment and a self-fulfilling prophesy at work. Whatever the case, this is great stuff. The Link of the Month. married to Simmons never seemed so easy. Within three days, links came for "SNL: The Best of Christopher Walken," "The Shawshank Redemption: Special Edition," "Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend," and "The Boston Celtics: A Complete History." That's Christmas, Valentine's Day, the anniversary and the birthday right there?

(Simmons adds: "And the Neve Cambell naked shower scene! Don't forget that one. I'm starting to think the Sox may win the World Series this year. Everything else is falling into place.")

eBay-- -- Of course, the Sports Gal might be saving for the "Gigli"-pod. I thought everyone who made this movie was in hiding. Though I didn't see it, one of my top "What the HELL?" moments last year was when I found out that Gigli wasn't the name of J-Lo's character; it was Ben's! What the HELL is that all about?

(By the way, thanks to Bill Mickey of Webb City, Mo., who cleared up the mystery of Deion Sanders "Papa San" track from last week's links. The song is about precisely what you'd expect: his dad, Papa Sanders. In terms of disappointments, this is right there with the revelation that The Ultimate Warrior bought wildflower seeds in bulk on eBay back in April.)

Independent Record (9/11) -- Crap Quentin Tarantino didn't have to deal with 11 years ago: In some places, you can be arrested for not leaving a tip. It probably wouldn't have made as good a film, but it would have saved Mr. Orange a lot of muffled laughter at Nice Guy Eddie's jumpsuit. Told you I'd come back to "Survivor" bios. Since when is a person allowed to have six favorite colors? Or "Drop Dead Fred" as a favorite movie? Anyway, it's good to know that Big Tom's son is alive and well in Tennessee, living under the assumed name "Travis Sampson." One prediction for the show: The guy whose favorite alcoholic drink is "Coors Light, Bud Light; smooth bourbon, Seagram's and Jim Beam" will leave under mysterious circumstances.

Cleveland Plain Dealer (9/11) -- "Word has it The Sisters have taken quite a liking to you." So, Browns quarterback Jeff Garcia was on the town with girlfriend, reigning Playboy Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare, when he was confronted by an ex, who claims that DeCesare kicked her in the head. Mmm ... sounds realistic. Put it this way: DeCasare's 5-foot-8; I'm 5-foot-11. Granted she's probably more limber than I am, but the highest I could ever get my foot -- and this is Hulk Hogan's Big Boot technique -- was 4-foot-9. These are the kinds of things you do by day when you intern for Simmons. Now ... any groin specialists out there?

Yahoo! News (9/11) -- Remember in "Half Baked" when Jon Stewart's character, the Enhancement Smoker, asks the guys if they've tried certain things, then if they've tried them "On weeeed?" Mysterious flammable envelopes. Movie characters named Gordy Brewer even though they're Austrian. Everything is funny!

L.A. Times (9/10) -- If you're well-to-do, living in L.A. and shooting at William Shatner for pleasure, you must be REALLY sick of the "Boston Legal" ads. (9/9) -- A pretty fair review of "Joey," which I actually watched last Thursday. The main thing I noticed: It's the most artificial looking apartment complex of all time! Sets on "The Price is Right" look more outdoors -- they could have at least painted an In N Out Burger through the trees. Back to the show, The Washington Post wrote: "(It's) like a high school Mr. Popularity continuing to go to homecoming after he has graduated." This must be what an old principal showing up at homecoming looks like.

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