By The Intern
Page 2 (12/2) -- To spread a little Christmas cheer, here's one about Jose Lima and the gift that keeps on giving. Hey, does anyone know the origin of that, anyway? A five-minute Google searched yielded blood, guilt, Pakistan, and fruitcake. If I'm going to use lame cliches, might as well explain them.

LA Times (12/2) -- There's Simmons, just ahead of the curve on the "ad placement in reality shows" story. Of course, you've got the nonprofit guy telling us the Crest apocalpyse is near, and you've got Mark Burnett trying to say how much fun Pringles on tree stumps are. Whatever. Did anyone else wonder about how much it cost to transport that Pontiac to Vanuatu? Probably a decade's supply of Pepperidge Farm Raisin Cinnamon Swirl Bread, the official breakfast of The Links of the Day.

Boston Globe (12/3) -- I think in all future articles, she should be called Buster Zerg. Unfortunately, I think the next article for her is the obit.

(Awwww ... kidding. I'm just kidding!)

Sony Pictures -- Forget Curt's ankle. How, exactly, do one successfully pitch with a plot consisting of Tommy Lee Jones living in a house full of Texas cheerleaders? "Think 'Miss Congeniality' ... without the twist!" Maybe it's like celebrities dying in threes. Hollywood has to release a bad movie called "Man of the House" every ten years.

LINK OF THE DAY -- For all you West Coasters who missed the rolling rally, "Faith Rewarded: The Historic Season of the 2004 Boston Red Sox" comes out on DVD today. For all you East Coasters who missed the "rally at Sonny McLain's, check out the pictures. "This is what winning a championship is all about," said reader Dave Vacanti, drunk old guys with brooms." (I wish ... but no, sadly, not The Sports Dad.)

E-mails of the Week:
From Ryan in Allston, Mass.: "I believe it was Earthquake, not Andre the Giant, who killed Damien. I could be wrong though. Actually, I might feel better if I was wrong."

From Jake Harrington: "You know its coming, but I gotta call you out (along with what I am sure is a cast of thousands). Though Lou had many memorable quotes ('Let me call you back Charlie, I got a guy on the other line about some whitewalls.'), 'This guy here is dead' one was one from the immortal 'Board Member Number 2.'" -- Jake Harrington

From Mike Gravel: "In regard to the link on Matt Doherty, 'the wise-cracking curly-haired kid from 'The Mighty Ducks'' as you called him, how could you leave out the fact that he played Willie Mackenzie otherwise known as 'HEED!' in 'So I Married an Axe Murderer'? Never has a young man taken so much verbal abuse in a film since Spaulding Smails. 'Look at the size of that boy's head! It's like an orange on a toothpick! I'm not kiddin'. It's a virtual planetoid! It's got it's own weather system! It's like Sputnik; spherical yet quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.'"

From Chris Caldwell: "I knew Matt in college. Those pictures aren't of Matt. He still pretty much looks like "Heed" from "So I Married an Axe Murderer."

(Responds The Intern: "That explains it. IMDB was wrong. But how he somehow managed to appear on the The Michael Jordan 'SportsCentury,' I'll never know.")

From Ashby Sorensen: "It's OK, it actually took me a couple of minutes to figure out that Anna Benson's five-letter word was SCREW. Equally perplexing is that the NY Post's Page Six, with their obvious high moral standards as a gossip column, thought it was too offensive to print as a whole word."

(Responds The Intern: "You wouldn't believe how many people ripped me for this. Kill me when I incorrectly say that Andre the Giant squashed Damien or that Lou Brown uttered 'This guy here is dead, but I told you this flat-out ... I stink at crosswords! Plus, what he said. I was hung up on a seven-letter word.")

Finally, from John McKenty of Red Bank, N.J.: "Thoroughly enjoyed the well deserved bashing I received from all the e-mailers, great stuff. To The Intern, thanks! I loved every second of the bludgeoning! I sent the link to the bashing to all my buddies. Hilarious stuff! Keep up the good work!"

Responds The Intern: "Only printed this because somebody asked where my response to his 'Boy Named Sioux' email would register on Simmons' vengeance scale. In light of this, here's my answer. Remember that scene in 'Stand By Me' where Lard Ass Hogan eats castor oil and a raw egg before the pie eating contest, then what he does to the townspeople after that? Well, if the townspeople stuck their fingers in it, licked them and said 'Mmm ... this is pretty tasty pie!', yes, that'd be about where it registers.")

MSNBC (12/1) -- The explosive story out of San Fran that's gripping the sports world: Why aren't people going to Niners games like they used to? And, of course, the other one. Can I ask something? If human growth hormone is supposed to enhance performance, and Jeremy Giambi hadn't been taking it in Boston, exactly how BAD would he have been? -- "It's been almost 28 years since I saw you in the back of our garage." Nope, not Cletus' love letter to Brandine. It's the start of Michael Jordan's ode to basketball. Good stuff here. Just make sure you find the scroll bar. Otherwise it reads like a post-Wizards suicide note.

The Onion (12/1) -- "Iraq Adopts Terror Alert System"

eBay -- Unlike the Virgin Mary grilled cheese or the Olympic Stadium hot dog, here's something practical: Dutch's robe from "Karate Kid," not to be confused with his robe from "Indecent Behavior II." Hopefully that thing was burned with the straw hat from "Where The Red Fern Grows."

To answer your question, yeah, I thought we should link to the Jeopardy story, so I did. Sex, video games, gambling, TV and Jeopardy today. Quite a life I've carved out for myself.

ABC News (12/1) -- Here's the transcript, I believe, of the Ken Jennings segment of last night's "Nightline." The category is "Good Times!". Here's the answer: "The Jeopardy Guy still hasn't gotten over this person calling him 'punchable' in a magazine column last summer. The person in question also said 'I hope he gets eaten by a tiger.'"

Time's up. Not LeBatard. Not Reilly. Not Simmons. I don't think even Jennings knows this. Who is ... The Sports Gal?

(That was a $600 question. I'll get you my landlord's address.)

Deseret News (11/28) -- Good news, Boston. The Celtics won the NBA title on a slow day at a sports desk in Utah. I really like playing NBA Live 2005. I'd recommend it. But that said, who the hell was in charge of the overall team ratings? Check this out: Heat (80), Wolves (82), Pacers (80), Suns (81), Sonics (82). Now look at these: Bulls (82), Raptors (86), Hornets (89), Celtics (84), Knicks (87), Grizzlies (91). It's he was alternately manic and depressive at all the wrong times.

NY Post (12/1) -- Five months ago, we were crashing her web site. Now Anna Benson's got me grasping for a five-letter word for what she'd do with the Mets if she caught Kris cheating. Makes me wish I'd done the crossword in college.

(And by the way, did Howard Stern really call Kris Benson "the great pitcher"? Please, Michael Powell, fine him another $500,000 for this.)

Slate (11/30) -- Speaking of the wrath of the FCC, I hope my Dad missed the opening of "House" last night. He had rotator cuff surgery yesterday, and I told him to watch it if he hadn't conked out by nine. Whoops. So network TV can't show "Saving Private Ryan" on Veteran's Day, but FOX can simulate THAT? Not that I'm offended ... I just didn't know to expect ... THAT. Anyway, THAT isn't the problem this Yale University surgeon has with the show. Some real irony as he complains about Dr. House's inability to relate to his patients, all the while using words like "non plus ultra," "misbegotten" and "balderdash." I bet FOX wants their file photo back.

Blog Maverick -- Mark Cuban's decided to start a gambling hedge fund, and he's looking for "the best and the brighest" to run it. No doubt he'll be hearing from this brainiac that wrote Simmons last weekend. "Below is a screen shot of my weekly pool standings. As you can see, I'm in third place overall and have a W-L record of 105-55, thus getting to 50 over .500 (as you promised your readers) before Thanksgiving. In light of this, I'd like to ask if I can write your football picks columns for a few weeks."

I wrote back, "Against the spread?"

"Details, details."


TUESDAY (11/29) -- This week on Chad's Johnson's Corner: Chad takes a shot, blacks out and can't quite remember scoring. Next week: He joins the Bearcat basketball team.

Sports Fans of America -- For anyone who complains that there's never anything BCS-related on the site, here's your new stock answer: "This guy wrote the masters thesis."

The Baseball Crank -- Good to see that Dan McLaughlin, a fellow contrib from Simmons' Digital City Boston days, is still at it. Especially when you consider The Birdman hung up his trunks and is married with kids. Don't let "Baseball, War, Politics, Law and More" fool you. He's cooler than George Will. -- When the pressure's on and the TPS reports absolutely must affixed at the top-left, 45-degrees, I ask you: whose stapler would you rather have? Is Martin Gramatica's permanently jammed?

Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers -- A reader favorite from the summer that I wouldn't link to because it wasn't established enough. Well, it doesn't get more established than being a Trivial Pursuit answer. Just ask Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

(By the way, some bad news: The Kenny Rogers assault story I linked to yesterday was a fugazi. You'd have thought "WTF-TV" would have clued me in. The good news: It wasn't the best prank I saw yesterday. My friend Evan said it best: "If only other certain prominent Yalies were this clever.")

(Okay, one more bit of good news. We touched bases with Tom Walsh, the guy who held the prior "Jeopardy" record (ahem, SEVEN) until Ken Jennings came along and obliterated it. Well, Tom was "making plans to be the Guest of Honor at the 'DC Roadkill reunion'" tonight. The Washington Post is sending a reporter to cover it. Take a guess what this means.)

Boston Globe (11/24) -- If you're amazed what penalties celebrating a playoff win in your underwear can bring about, keep in mind that relieving yourself off the highway here can get you registered as a sex offender. I mean, there's a reason the 'B' on the cap is scarlet.

Minneapolis Star-Tribune (11/26) -- Remember a week ago when Simmons wrote: "Here's my compromise idea: For the rest of the season, before every game, Artest gets wheeled out to midcourt like Hannibal Lecter -- you know, tied to one of those white stretchers and wearing a strait jacket and the metal facemask. Then, they untie him, and he gets to warm up with his team. I think this would get the message across to the fans -- stay away from this guy." Ah, the good old days, when he was only spawning one cartoon. (11/27) -- Might as well hit this, too. On Sept. 24, he wrote: "The league feels broken this season; I can't remember this many shaky offenses at the same time ... The scoring situation is SO dire, Len Pasquarelli even wrote his annual 'Give Jeff George a chance' column six weeks earlier than usual." Well, the "Veteran signs deal" column seems right on time, doesn't it? So does Jay Mariotti calling George "a thirtysomething Cade McNown who can play a little."

Philadelphia Inquirer (11/26) -- Like Homer Jay Simpson said: "To alcohol! The cause of ... and solution to ... all of life's problems." An Inquirer columnist lets beer off the hook in the Artest fiasco. A Miami Herald column says beer sales should end at a certain point in the game. I'd go the second way. It's kind of like stopping sales after "The Gambler" at a Kenny Rogers concert. Know when to walk away. Know when to run.

It's Karate, Kid! The Musical -- It was so easy living day by day, out of touch with rhythm and blues (and depths of bad taste). Suddenly I'm in a Chinatown Bus state of mind. Unless you hear otherwise, I'll be going to NYC this weekend. Expect a critique of this show next Monday, which, after the censors are done with it, should be a least 45 words long.

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