Single page view By The Intern
Page 2 – The one man I fear more than Andrew Bogut. I'll go on record right now: if at any point the Hawks draft Shavlik Randolph, I will never eat again. – This is going to end badly ...

More importantly, now seems like as good a time as ever to give my one Scientology story. I was in L.A. a couple of years ago with some friends, and while walking around one afternoon we passed a Scientology center. Bored, we thought it would be funny to go in and pretend we were prospective scientologists. So we go in, this guy hands us a scantron test and a pencil, and we sit down in some high-school desk chairs and begin filling out a strange questionnaire. No less than forty-five seconds later, my friend Connor freaks out and all but leaves a cartoon-like cutout of himself in the wall. I sort of shrug to the Scientology guy as my other friend and I follow Connor out, where we proceed to make fun of him relentlessly for being such a weenie. Looking back on it though, he just might have saved my life. – Ninety-five year old Japanese man breaks 100m record (for age group). I guess that I'm supposed to be impressed or something, but I'm not. Twenty-two seconds? I could destroy this guy. (Mitch W.) – This is also going to end badly ... I think it's safe to say that whenever you hear the phrase "team of handlers" mentioned in regard to an eighteen year old Hollywood actress, it's pretty much a given how that script will turn out. She should get away and go be a farmer for a year or something. – AI and TO get punked by AK. By the way, hasn't "Punk'd" worn out its welcome yet? Are we going to see a forty-five year old Kutcher still at it years from now? I can just picture him at Wilmer Valderrama's third wedding, jumping out of the cake and then pulling his "watch me spaz-out" routine, as the embarrassed guests shake their heads and slowly walk away. Ten minutes later, Ashton's still wildly screaming, "I really got you this time, didn't I? DIDN'T I?!!" Full of pity, Wilmer mumbles, "Yeah, you really got me. Didn't see that one coming at all." (video with sound) – Wait through the commercial ... it's worth it. Just when you think he's done, Hasselhoff sets the bar even higher. Columbus, De Soto, Polo ... these men having nothing on David Hasselhoff. He is an explorer, a visionary, a pioneer, and the depths of lame are his New World.

TUESDAY – (Registration) Which is better for your city's long-term prosperity: reliable mass-transit, or Landon? Closer than you think. (Terry S., Louisville, KY) – After eating Corey Feldman, Corey Haim refers to "License to Drive" as "timeless." Yeah, and I write for ESPN. (Christopher B.) – I'm still getting around to actually watching "The Warriors," but this video game intro has me sufficiently stoked anyways. – This got me thinking: what nationality ripping off "24" would be the most surreal/hilarious? I'd go with something Scandinavian, maybe a Swedish version with Dolph Lundgren as the Jack character.



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