By The Intern
Page 2

Although something told me that the Hassle the Hoff link from yesterday was too good to be true, I was blinded by greed. Kind of like "Boiler Room," except substitute a rapping Knight Rider for a fraudulent brokerage firm. Actually, it's nothing like "Boiler Room" at all. Point is -- the story was a complete hoax. My bad. (Stephen S.) -- New Haven, CT. 4:30. Keynote address by one Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo. Be there. (Jason J.) -- Finally, the perfect use for old, worthless baseball cards. My personal favorite is Steve Swisher (last card) -- "After this picture was taken, Steve Swisher made love to the Topps camera woman." Honorable mention goes to John Henry Johnson and Glenn Wilson. -- An impromptu dance-off leads to a fifty-person rumble. The lesson -- never show up to a dance contest without a razor blade. -- Braves' rookies reenact that "To Wong Foo" movie (I refuse to type out the full title) while at the airport, although the caption says they were just being hazed. Agree to disagree. (Josh in Dallas) -- In an offshoot of the brilliant Vin Diesel site, I give you "The Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator." For example: "Chuck Norris once talked in his sleep. The words he said were recorded in a classified government document and sent straight to the president. The No Child Left Behind Act stems from this document." (Ted F.) -- I bet that right now you're thinking, "If Ian Ziering designed an envelope, what would it look like?" Well, ponder no more. And now I shall cause all the female readers to begin violently twitching (

TUESDAY (Owen R.) -- Bio of American Gladiator "Nitro." I picked this one for the great Q&A near the bottom, but if you click on "home," you can look up every gladiator in existence. I feel sorry for those of you that didn't get to grow up watching the most ridiculously awesome show in television history. Imagine yourself as an 8 year-old taught that "cool" means having a fluffed mullet, tight spandex, and a giant sphere to roll around in. (William B.) -- Wade Boggs: Lifetime .328 hitter; Hall-of-Famer; Equestrian; Shameless hair replacement spokesman. (Karl in Salt Lake City) -- Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I find this story absolutely hilarious. Some bumbling Australian man created so much static electricity with his woolen shirt and synthetic nylon jacket that he accidentally set fire to a building's carpet. It helps if you can picture a highly unfashionable Michael Olowokandi. -- Oh my God ... (Ty H.) -- The Randy Moss mask. I actually ignored this last week, but then I took a closer look and realized it's from his official site. I can't believe he ok'd this. Further, I mandate that we all wear one during the Code Red on Culpepper. (Scott B. in Toronto) -- Years from now, I look forward to boring my future kids with tales of the greats from my day. I'll go on and on about Jordan, Elway, Woods, and then, once they reach a certain age, I'll finally tell them of the Legend of Charlie Sheen -- ultimate bachelor, incredibly candid interviewee, and the one man who necessitated an intervention FROM Slash. Speaking of Charlie, here's one that might hit just a little too close to home for some of you -- (Steve C. in San Francisco; scroll up).

After watching the Falcons sleepwalk through the first 30 minutes of yesterday's game against the Seahawks, only to have a potential second-half comeback squandered by Michael Vick's left hamstring, I am not in the best of moods. However, rather than take it out on you, the reader, the following three individuals shall feel my wrath:

1. Michael Jenkins -- You actually had me longing for the good ol' days of Peerless Price. I suggest symbolically dropping this week's paycheck as well.

2. Daunte Culpepper -- You've single-handedly turned my fantasy team into a laughingstock. For an encore, how about you steal my car and burn down my apartment.

3. Walter Jones -- I get it. He's a great offensive tackle. But I got that after the 17th highlight of him manhandling Patrick Kerney yesterday. Personally, I thought the next 380 references to Walter were a tad much. "Walter Jones is the best player in football; Walter Jones drags SUV's through the parking lot; Walter Jones spent halftime snacking on a herd of buffalo and washing them down with an entire river." By the end of the game, I wasn't sure if it was Walter Jones blocking for the Seahawks or Bill Brasky.

Ron (Michael B. in Skokie, Ill.) -- Ron Artest is a TruWarier. As Ron explains -- "Rather than being known as the type of warrior that battles with weapons, I chose a creative spelling and created a new definition." Ron Artest would be unstoppable at Scrabble. (Matt W. in Arlington, Va.) -- The Ewing Theory nonchalantly cited in an investment advice column (about 2/3 through, under "the modest winner"). It won't be long before the Ewing Theory branches off and gets its own gig, kind of like the Dr. Phil to Simmons' Oprah.

The Sporting News -- Youppi!, the recently unemployed former Expos mascot, just signed with the Montreal Canadians. Considering that an ungodly amount of Canadian readers wrote in about this, it's apparently earth-shattering news up there. I'm not sure if I'm linking to this out of respect or pity. (Jeff F.) Pat Burrell: World's Laziest Signature. (Peter W.) -- More on David from "Real World: New Orleans" (second entry down). When asked for his thoughts on the city, David basically riffed on "Pee Wee's Big Adventure." I'm not even kidding. Change "RJ the Harmonica Man" to "Large Marge," and you wouldn't be able to tell a difference. -- Today is apparently Talk Like a Pirate Day, and, according to the site, it's already gotten a ton of pub. I needed a new ridiculous cause anyway.

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