By The Intern
Page 2

During my absence, I had a lot to think about -- career plans, personal relationships, why God lets sharks eat people, etc. But I thought about none of this. Instead, I pondered what laws to enact if suddenly given unilateral decision-making power for all things.

My platform:

-- Sweatpants will be universally recognized as "business casual."

-- One out of every four NBA draftees will be required to grow a high-top fade (assuming selected person possesses this capability). Enforcement will be similar to random security checks at airports, and will continue until "the box" is officially back in style.

-- Sporting the "popped collar" will be a felony, punishable by three to five years in a maximum security penitentiary. If on the golf course, the violation will be reduced to a misdemeanor, punishable by a six-hundred dollar fine and an open-handed slap to the face.

-- Buying beer on Sundays will no longer be prohibited in the Bible Belt. If it wasn't for unmatched sweet tea, this would have single-handedly pushed me out of the region years ago.

-- All restaurants will provide mints at the door.

-- No matter what the job is, listing fantasy league championships under "experience" on your resume would always make perfect sense.

As you can see, I kept it to one cause for every day since my last update. No sense in overextending myself. (Keir B.) -- Considering his shameless appearance on "60 Minutes" last night, I thought, if ever there was a time to show Bill Romanowski protecting a mythical fortress from a feisty orange-haired steed, surely this must be it. -- The Rolling Stones actually have defibrillators backstage. On one hand, nothing says "rock n' roll" less than geriatric medical precautions. But on the other hand, nothing says "rock n' roll" more than touring against all rational judgment. Long live The Stones. -- The OC's Peter Gallagher is launching a soul album. When his musical roots were questioned, Gallagher calmly replied, "Don't hate the player." Or at least he should have. -- I'm assuming that without The Links, most of you had no other source of ridiculous news, meaning that you must have missed last week's details on the upcoming "Rocky VI." Personally, I don't care about the absurdity of shooting another Rocky movie. I'm too busy applauding the spectacularly dumb name of the film's villain -- Mason "The Line" Dixon.

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