By The Intern
Page 2

When I claimed yesterday to be "relieved" by Culpepper's injury, I didn't quite realize the severity of it. So if anyone needs me today, I'll be in downtown Atlanta washing the car windows of unsuspecting drivers. People love that, and I need to even out my karma. (Thomas C.) -- The first nine paragraphs read like a pretty standard Hideki Matsui article. Then the tenth paragraph comes and there's casual mention of Hideki's "only eccentricity." Let's just say that your average college student would treat Hideki's video library as the Holy Grail. (Russell S. in Dalton, GA; click on Tedy Bruschi audio link, 3rd one down) -- And now I will destroy all the good karma I earned back. Ladies and gentlemen, The Amazing Tedy Bruschi. -- Simmons is taking part in an celebrity fantasy league. Here's a sampling from the draft-day chat transcript:

(Moderator): "Star, you're up again."
Star Jones: "Oh, okay ... one sec :)"
Samuel L. Jackson: ":)??? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? ENGLISH, &*$%*&^%$#@#! DO YOU SPEAK IT!"
Star Jones: "AHH!!! Vince Carter! I take Vince Carter!"
Bill Simmons: "What's the over/under for Vince this year? 50 games? Good times!"
Michael Rapaport: "Aww, snap! It's wiggity-wack in here, yo! Holla back!"

And so on. -- Things aren't looking good for the "Miami Vice" movie. Shockingly, reports are surfacing that the script is "not good," Jamie Foxx is in full-on prima donna mode, and Colin Farrell has "beer boobs." -- The drunk guy who leapt on the field and took the ball from Favre during Sunday's Bengals/Packers game ( is less enthusiastic once sober. Also, I can't stop laughing at the story of someone driving by his house screaming "Touchdown!" while he tried to give a telephone interview. I wish I had thought of that.

Two incredibly profound thoughts:

• As an increasingly mentioned cliche, this has been bothering me for awhile: I think there is nothing more overrated than the effect of cross-country flights on professional athletes. Granted, I have never tried to fly across three times zones and then compete at the highest athletic level. But it's not like these guys fly like the rest of us. They travel on luxurious charter planes with oversized leather seating, dine on shrimp cocktails, and play cards or sleep the entire time. Then they check into their five-star hotel and get an hour-long massage. If I was given the choice to travel like an NBA player to my intramural games or drive the 15 minutes from my apartment, I'd take the luxurious travel every time.

• It's a sad state of affairs when Daunte Culpepper mercifully gets put out to pasture and his fantasy owners don't even flinch. It's terrible, but for sheer peace of mind, I think I was actually relieved. (Chris G.) -- Turns out Larry was only three when Emilio Estevez cornered him in the locker room and "taped his buns together." It's a thinker. -- If Marty McFly were nine years-old. And British. And lured by 20 pounds instead of taunts of "chicken." - Simmons calls this the "most depressing ebay auction ever." I think I'll decline any jokes here. (Matt D. in Woburn, MA) -- Did you know that the Coors Light "Twins" were born of Polish immigrant factory workers? Of course you did, but check out their site anyway. (Jeff H. in L.A.) -- Picture "Million Dollar Baby." Now, replace Clint Eastwood with Lou Diamond Phillips. Then sub Mariah Carey for Hilary Swank. What the hell, let's make it a romantic comedy and randomly throw in Donald Trump, too. Now imagine that this is real. (Carl R.) -- Look at the picture on the bottom left. That's right, dude ran across the field as the Burger King. Here's hoping he got a standing ovation upon arriving at jail.

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