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I know what you're thinking -- who's The Intern got tonight? Well ponder no more.

Matchups:

PG -- Steve Francis vs. Mike James
-Francis can jump really high. Edge: Francis

SG -- Deshawn Stevenson vs. Joey Graham
Stevenson annoys me for no real reason. Edge: Graham

SF: Grant Hill vs. Morris Peterson
Morris was a Flintstone, but Grant can play the piano and everyone likes him. Edge: Hill

PF: Dwight Howard vs. Chris Bosh
I'm Jewish. Dwight isn't. Edge: Bosh

C: Tony Battie vs. Rafael Araujo
There's bad, there's unfathomably awful, and then there's Rafael Araujo. Edge: Battie

Bench: I'm too lazy to look.
Edge: Magic

Coaches: Brian Hill vs. Sam Mitchell.
Brian Hill is a tiny man. Edge: Mitchell

So there you have it, Orlando's got the 4 to 3 edge. Final score tonight: Magic -- 94, Raptors -- 82.

What ... you meant the Rose Bowl? Please. Everyone knows that Matt Leinart overcame chubbiness and a lazy eye as a kid, namely because it's been retold with slow music and sappy flashbacks roughly 495 different times. The man's been through hell and back; I think he can handle the Texas D.

Final score: USC, 126 -- UT, (-) 7

nytimes.com (registration required) -- Larry David on why he refuses to see "Brokeback Mountain." Best line -- "If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time?"

sundaymirror.co.uk (Brad M.) -- Is this true? I don't know and I don't care. Kiefer Sutherland allegedly tackles a 12 foot Christmas tree, claims it was hiding something.

yahoo.com -- David Lee Roth being David Lee Roth. However, halfway through is a throwaway line about Roth having worked as an emergency medical technician in New York. WHAT?!! How can this be mentioned so casually? Can you imagine regaining consciousness to the sight of a vaguely familiar coked-out lunatic hovering over you? I'd scream and go back down for the count.

washingtonpost.com -- Long overdue feature on Chuck Norris boldly suggests that The Bearded One is the new Hasselhoff. Speaking of Hasselhoff (http://www.pepsisamba.com.au/hoff.html">pepsisamba.com (David A.) ...

Finally, here's one from SG and his dad, who are presumably roaming the streets with raised pitchforks right now:

bostonherald.com -- "Good to see Coach P is still lying through his teeth. Maybe we would welcome him back to Boston if he hadn't destroyed the Celtics for 4 years." -- SG.

And ...

"A PhD in Spin Control and Selective Memory. He certainly threw ML Carr, Antoine & others under the bus, and takes no responsibility for anything." -- SG's Dad


TUESDAY
nydailynews.com -- Jerome James suspended for being "unprepared to practice." When asked if this in turn implicates him as "unprepared to general-manage," Isiah calmly laughed, then made a mad dash for the exit.

yahoo.com -- PETA staffer legally changes his name to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com, stakes out early lead for "Dumbest Human of 2006."

slate.com -- In-depth critique of "Meet the LeBrons," including expressed bafflement over the commercials' lack of a plotline/selling point, which is utterly ridiculous -- product is LeBron, thereby Nike, thereby the shoes. It's a great ad.

Continued...

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