By The Intern
Page 2

I just had coffee with Shannon Sharpe.

Actually, that depends on your definition of "had." But if "had" means walking into Starbucks, immediately recognizing Shannon Sharpe casually conversing in the corner, proceeding to eyeball him with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, and then having a strange back and forth with the guy behind the counter, then yes, I just had coffee with Shannon Sharpe.

As to that strange back and forth, it went something like this:

Starbucks Guy (excitedly whispering) -- "Yo, you watch football?"

Me: (cutting him off) -- "Shannon Sharpe! What the hell?"

Starbucks Guy -- "I know! Man, I work with all these women, no one knew what I was talking about, thought I was going crazy ... that'll be $1.82."

Me (still trying to process things) -- "Shannon Sharpe!"

Starbucks Guy -- "I know!"

And that was that. (Chad W.; SOUND) -- Do you ever wonder if doctored yearbook photos like this eventually get back to the target? I mean, for all we know, this guy is sitting in his office right now debating whether he should clean out the gutters this weekend, when suddenly a cryptic email pops up entitled "They found you, buddy ... " Now there's spilled coffee everywhere and he's turning purple trying not to make a scene inside his cubicle. (Abigail F.) -- Mark Cuban's recent blog entry where he claims to "own" the Zen Master (as mentioned on SportsCenter). My favorite part is the smiley-faced emoticon Cuban throws in at the end. If I were Phil, it would be that smug, "teenage-girl on instant-messager" taunt that really caused me to lose it. What an evil move. -- Mother of middle-school girl is crying foul after her daughter was mistakenly eliminated from spelling bee, then denied reentry because the protest wasn't made in a timely manner. Said the mother, "I'll take this to the U.S. Supreme Court. I will take this to the International Court of law to fight for my baby's rights." Some might call that an overreaction, but I just call that good parenting.

Toronto Sun (Seth in San Francisco) -- If you live near Milwaukee, have an excessively hairy back and possess no shame whatsoever, then this minor league hockey promotion is probably for you. -- An officially retired Fred McGriff is now an assistant coach at his son's high school (where he's commonly referred to as Coach Crime). Back to back to back state championships are soon to follow.

WEDNESDAY -- Profile of eccentric U.S. figure skater Johnny Weir. Although I highly suggest reading the entire article, the following pretty much says it all:

Opening line -- "U.S. figure skater Johnny Weir has contemplated dyeing his hair blue and decorating himself with feathers to capture the essence of his music."

Closing line -- ""My child's not weird. Everyone else is." -- Johnny's father (Clay in Louisville) -- After reading Page 2 columnist Bomani Jones' excellent J.J. Redick piece yesterday (, I thought it was only fair to revisit Redick's published poetry. There are some mistakes in this life that we never stop paying for ... (Josh H. in Lynn, MA) -- Review of Bob Saget's recent stand-up performance at UConn. Although at times it seems forced, it's certainly amusing to see Saget resurrect his career as the vulgar anti-Danny Tanner. Kind of like seeing pretty-boy Rick Fox come out of nowhere as a Laimbeer-esque enforcer during the 2003 Playoffs. -- Article rehashing Chris Mullin's path to sobriety. Notice how they picked probably the one old-school Mullin picture where he actually looks drunk on the court. (Myron in Chicago) -- Today's conversation:

Packer Fan #1 -- "What the hell happened last night? I think I blacked out."

Packer Fan #2 -- "Well, you ran onto the street and started tackling cars again. This time you were naked, though."

Packer Fan #1 -- "That's not good."

TUESDAY (Jesse P.) -- Timeline of's quest to get a Super Bowl commercial approved (with video of some of the denied spots). The lesson: Sometimes nothing is more successful than failing loudly. -- I'm a little late on this, but in case you missed it, Jonathan Bender retired due to chronic knee problems. A strangely poetic Austin Croshere quipped, "It wasn't him that gave in ... it was his knee that gave out." He then gave a twirl of the cap and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. (registration required) -- Insightful (and unapologetically biased) article on the evolution of Jeff Probst, particularly his growing respect for the game. You get the feeling that one day he's going to snap during tribal council, hurl a spear through a backstabbing weakling, and wordlessly walk away. Don't think for a second that Jeff Probst wouldn't kill a man at the drop of a hat. (Gabe in Wilmington, DE) -- John Holmes is described here as "long ... strong ... as if he had titanium and the rest of the field was using persimmon ... not an isolated freak but rather a foreshadowing of things to come ... mesmerizing ... mammoth." It's nice to feel like I'm back in the 6th grade sometimes. (Keith M.) -- Man faces possible jail time for accidentally blowing up his car while transporting an explosive balloon, explaining it was meant to be used in celebration at a Super Bowl party. Which begs the question: Who blows up a giant balloon to celebrate? Is that like a poor man's fireworks? I'm just trying to imagine how I'd react to something like that. I'd probably hurl a buffalo wing at him.

Because I am male, I drank beer while watching the Super Bowl. But the only reason I could do so is because I went ahead and purchased beer on Saturday. Had I not, it would have been a completely dry viewing, which is like trying to run a marathon without any form of hydration.

You see, for all the charm of the South -- sweet tea, SEC football, Graceland, shotgun weddings in Gatlinburg, TN -- there remains one unspeakable evil that negates it all: No Alcohol Sales on Sundays.

I cannot possibly overstate the injustice of continuing this antiquated Blue Law across the Bible Belt. It's one thing to gray the line separating church and state; it's another thing to do so while denying me my natural right to get drunk any day I please. This is America, jack.

And it's not just Super Bowl Sunday. It's Labor Day weekend, birthday celebrations, or random Sundays when I get bored, all because no politician has the cojones to question an outdated Puritan ideal that continues to plague the region I live in.

On the surface, this may sound like the rant of a fool. But deep down, at its core, this is a fight over everything it means to be an American. This is about our forefathers, the Cold War, Al Bundy, and homemade apple pie. Today, we toast TD celebrations with iced lattes. Tomorrow, it will be standardized tracking bracelets monitored by a robot government.

Here's to seeing you on the side of the righteous. -- Scathing article on Isiah behind-the-scenes. The best part is when one of Isiah's cronies, Brendan Suhr, tries to defend the CBA debacle. "What leaders do, they define reality every day and then they create hope and optimism for the people that work for them. That's what (Isiah) did (with the CBA)." As James Brady would say, "Brendan Suhr sounds like an idiot." (SOUND) -- Brokeback to the Future. The dramatic shot of Christopher Lloyd in the mind-reading headgear makes this worthwhile alone. -- Thanks to a post-Janet five-second delay, ABC had time to edit out explicit lyrics during the Stones' halftime performance. Unfortunately, attempts to airbrush Mick's unsettling arm flab failed. -- Alaskan girl wins first-ever state wrestling championship (competing against boys). In other news, Hilary Swank seen training in grueling heat with two layers of sweats. (Andres C.; SOUND) -- You can take The Birdman out of the league, but never our hearts. The mother of all tribute videos.

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