By The Intern
Page 2 (Michael B. in Brooklyn) -- Vitali Klitschko is running for mayor of Kiev, Ukraine. What's sad is that he sounds like an impressive guy, yet all I can think of is the 6-foot-8 Klitschko knocking a Risk board out of Kramer's hands while screaming, "Ukraine not weak! Ukraine strong!" (Jesse P.) -- Though I have no idea how reliable these figures are, here are the purported federal campaign contributions of noted sports figures since 1978. Note that the highest contributor, by a landslide, is none other than David Stern. -- Chef (Isaac Hayes) is leaving "South Park," citing religious intolerance by co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, prompting Stone to call BS on the noted Scientologist's hypocritical timing. More importantly, I can't believe he had the guts to leave -- there aren't two people on the planet I'd be more frightened of holding a grudge against me. (SPOILER ALERT!) -- After getting killed off last week, a certain "24" character has decided to take the decision as a personal attack, including calling executive producer Howard Gordon "a moron." One of the dumber rants you'll ever read. -- Carmelo Anthony is teaming up with Gene Simmons to sponsor an IndyCar Series driver, making it only a matter of time until an NBA player one day takes the floor in full-on KISS makeup. -- Creepy article on Sonics forward and avid snake collector Mikki Moore -- including mentions of an eight-foot boa named Dollar Bill, friendships with rats, and Moore locking himself in the bathroom to hide from a bat. -- If two guys from the '90s fight in the 21st century, did it actually happen?

If I know my audience -- and I think I do -- reading the Daily Links has, in many ways, become the center of your universe. It's why you get up in the morning. I understand that, which is why I must give you fair warning: This is my last month as a quasi-sports columnist/gossip reporter. Come April, I'd hate for the sudden and unexpected loss of this page to send you into a tear-filled downward spiral. I don't need that on my conscience. Plus, no one likes a crier.

So savor these next couple of weeks, because after that, I'm pulling a Johnny Carson and riding off into the sunset. Either that, or I'll go the reality television star route and hypocritically stretch my 15 minutes into my own sports blog. I'll let you know.

Anyway, the sappy closing remarks will come later. Like I said, this is just fair warning.

To the links … -- After being duped out of millions, former Broncos Terrell Davis, Steve Atwater, and Rod Smith, among others, are looking for a conniving Atlanta hedge fund manager. Said a grimacing John Elway, "I tried to talk them out of it. 'Car dealerships, signature furniture line, arena league team -- that's the progression,' I'd say. But they just weren't having it." -- In what could very well end up being television's equivalent to Montana-Young, VH1 is following up the transcendent "Flavor of Love" with "SuperGroup," a new reality series (premiering in May) featuring flame-out rockers Ted Nugent, Scott Ian, Jason Bonham, Evan Seinfeld, and the dangerously insane Sebastian Bach living together while rehearsing for an ensemble concert. Someone at VH1 clearly gets it. Anyway, Bach apparently got in a fistfight with a cast member, although you probably didn't need me to tell you that. -- Curt Schilling beans Chris Duffy in the head, and icily mutters, "If he dies, he dies." Sort of. -- If ever a man had free license to go on a locker room killing spree, it's KG after the criminally offensive supporting cast he's been dealt this year. There's not a jury that would convict him. (Daniel M. in NC) -- The ideal fantasy baseball lineup if compiled entirely of classic Nintendo characters. I'd probably have just picked the American Dreams from "Baseball Stars" or something, but that's admittedly much lazier and less entertaining, kind of like the whole "Pistons as the Olympic team" argument.

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