With apologies to Harper's Index …
Amount jailed star quarterback Michael Vick spent from July '06 to July '08, according to recent bankruptcy papers: $17.7 million.
Amount of that time he was in prison: 8 months.
Total amount of checks he wrote his mother, Brenda Boddie—not counting all her bills he paid—even while in prison: $21,400.
Amount he donated to her church: $327,900.
Amount he gave her for an Easter egg hunt: $700.
Number of Reese's Chocolate Easter Eggs that would buy: 5,259.
Amount of the check he wrote to Boddie labeled "chump change": $1,000.
Amount Vick was sentenced to pay to house and care for the 47 pit bulls he and his buddies didn't drown, strangle, hang, shoot, or electrocute for not winning fights: $928,073.
Average pay, per hour, of Vick's pit bulls' caregivers at the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, Utah: $14.
Pay, per hour, Vick gets for washing pots and pans at Leavenworth: 12 cents.
Cost of a bottle of Shelter Blend Flower Essence aromatherapy used for "anxious, worried or easily stressed" dogs at the sanctuary: $27.50.
Number of hours Vick would have to work to afford a bottle of Flower Essence: 230.
Cost of a bottle of "Vicktory" wine with a painting of one of the rescued dogs on the label: $40.
Cost of a tin of tuna at some federal prison commissaries: 23 cents.
Number of cars Vick owned at one time: 9, including the '07 Land Rover for his fiancée; the '07 Cadillac Escalade for his fiancée's mother; the '07 Land Rover for his brother Marcus; the '08 Mercedes Benz for his financial advisor, David Talbot; the '06 Cadillac DTS for his pal Rodney White; and the '07 Ford F-150 he drove himself.
Ironic name of the Lincoln Mercury dealership Vick continues to make car payments to, despite sitting in jail: Freedom.
Sticker price of the '07 Infiniti Vick bought for his fiancée to keep in Leavenworth so she has something to drive while visiting him in prison: $65,000.
Cost of a cab from the Kansas City airport to the prison: $60.
Odds of seeing this ad soon on eBay—Like new 2007 Infiniti truck. Only driven by girlfriend twice a month on prison visits. Honest!: 1-1.
Amount Charles Reamon, Jr., a friend Vick put in charge of his finances while in prison, went through: over $3 million.
Percent of that money accounted for: 0.
Amount New York bankruptcy attorney Peter Ginsberg alleges Vick's business manager Mary Wong "wrongfully removed" from Vick's accounts: $900,000.
Percent of that money accounted for: 0.
Number of Vick's financial advisors who wound up being charged for fraud in unrelated cases: 1.
Number of boats Vick owned at one time: 2.
Number of racehorses he had an interest in at one time: 5.
Number of his racehorses that died of colic: 1.
Money invested in that horse: $60,000.
Name of man who takes care of his horses: Unknown to Vick.
Amount he's paid man who takes care of his horses: $0.
Amount mysteriously categorized as "miscellaneous" over two years: $3.5 million.
Number of fake Dasani water bottle "safes" with hidden compartments that would buy: 116,861.
Amount Vick took as "cash out": $1,112,664.
Number of $400 ATM withdraws, including $2.50 service charge, that would require: 2,764.
Number of ATMs in Leavenworth penitentiary: 0.
Amount of deal Vick signed with the Falcons in 2004, making him the highest paid player in the league at the time: $130 million.
Monthly average salary in the Arena Football League, where Vick will probably end up playing when he's released on July 20: $7,000.
Vick's ongoing cost to support his fiancée, their two daughters, his brother, his mother, a former girlfriend and his son with her, per month: $20,000.
Amount Vick still owes banks in Toronto, South Bend, and Charlotte, for loans he took to invest in a car rental franchise, a wine store/restaurant, and other businesses: $6 million.
Total amount listed as "loan payment" over two years: $33,523.
Amount of judgment against Vick that he still owes former agent Andrew Joel: $4.5 million.
Amount Vick still owes the Atlanta Falcons from his signing bonus: $3.75 million.
Amount the NFL attempted to recoup from Vick's bonus money: $16.25 million.
Useful name Vick might need when he's released: Ron Mexico.
Number of homes Vick owned at one time: 4.
Number he lives in now: 0.
Unfortunate name of the investment firm Vick sunk $245,000 into: Leake.
Essential question about Vick now after ruining his life—with bountiful help from leaching family, friends, advisors, agents and his own Hindenburg instincts: Can the chump change?