A couple of not-so-winning looks
In case you were too busy screaming "BEYONCE!" like everyone else on the Internet and missed out on sports, we've got you covered. Here's everything you missed last night.
If you needed a 789,432,219th reason to love the NBA on TNT, the crew's much-hyped "Chariots of Backfire" race will do the trick. On Thursday, Charles Barkley, Shaquille O'Neal, Chris Webber, Kenny Smith and Ernie "The Elevator" Johnson ran a 100-yard dash to determine the ultimate, uh, fast person (?) on set. I really have no idea why this happened, but I'm a better person for having watched it. Olympic track stars Sanya Richards-Ross and Allyson Felix stopped by to help coach and added the only ounce of legitimacy to the event.
Webber came from behind to win but, in true Chris Webber form, there was some controversy about the outcome. Accusations of a false start swirled faster than an NCAA ban punch line. Smith even refused to participate in the ACTUAL MEDAL CEREMONY, and thus the silver-medal spot was vacant.
Webber didn't take his win super seriously or anything. But you can't really blame him. This whole winning when it counts thing is a pretty new feeling for him.
VICTORY pic.twitter.com/JYx7KIIeYg— Chris Webber (@realchriswebber) December 13, 2013
Bring on Cooper!
On nobody on the planet's favorite night for football, the San Diego Chargers handed the Denver Broncos their first home loss of the season. Philip Rivers was all like "Real quarterbacks don't need to wear their helmets by the ice tub" as he threw for two touchdowns to lead the Bolts to the 27-20 victory. Just days after topping Eli Manning and the Giants, Rivers kept his Manning winning streak alive against Peyton.
Phillip Rivers: Manning Killer ? pic.twitter.com/aRUtwdsrL1— NFL Memes (@NFL_Memes) December 13, 2013
Can't wait to see the results of his Words with Friends game with Cooper next week. In the meantime, I leave you with a picture of Rivers' postgame outfit, which consisted of an arrowhead-shaped bolo tie and snakeskin boots, without comment. Because I know you are more than capable of coming up with your own joke.
All he needed was a Stetson and he could have hosted the American Country Awards with Danica Patrick!
Demanding a recount
Kobe Bryant has played a grand total of two games this season. So naturally he's third overall in All-Star Game voting. Right behind Derrick Rose and Yao Ming, I'm sure.
While I'm joking about Rose and Ming, the Bryant part is 100 percent true. And this is why we can't have nice things, people.
Festive with a capital F
In a video that is sure to elicit the holiday spirit from the Grinch-iest of Grinches, the Washington Capitals presumably held an ugly sweater party and performed "Jingle Bells" with fake instruments for your enjoyment.
If that doesn't make you want to brave the unruly and pushy crowds at the mall to spend all your money on rushed presents, I don't know what will.
'A disaster like no other'
Hope you enjoyed that five seconds of holiday cheer because the Atlanta Hawks cheerleaders will now steal it from the depths of your soul and make you wish you never woke up this morning with their spoof of the spoof movie "Sharknado." Seriously. Someone actually thought this was a good idea.
On the plus side, I didn't think it was possible to appreciate Tara Reid's acting quite as much as I do right now. Thanks, ladies!
See something worthy of inclusion on social media? Send it my way on Twitter, @darcymaine_espn.