From Queen B to the King, a giddy week

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Run out of stamps? No worries. Posting a personal message online is even cooler than using the postal service.

In case you were too busy working on your putting or buying an umbrella in preparation for the U.S. Open, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.

Am I obligated to mention this?

Tim Tebow joined the Patriots this week. And that is all I'm going to say on the matter. I promise the rest of this column is a safe, Tebow-free zone.

Bow down

Serena Williams won her second French Open title Saturday, defeating defending champion Maria Sharapova in straight sets. While sports pundits and casual fans alike continue to sing her praises, one fan's compliments stood out.

Beyonce penned a handwritten letter (that she posted a picture of on her website and didn't bother actually sending) to Serena after the match that read:

Stunt on them Serena. 31 and in your prime. You have no idea how much you inspire all of us women. I'm so proud of you. All my love and respect, Beyonce

Call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to, I don't know, actually sending someone a letter? I mean, it's nice and all to post a private letter on your very public website, but wouldn't slapping a stamp on an envelope (or even just sending a text) be a little more personal? Celebrities are weird.

Nonetheless, it's Queen B's world, and the rest of us are just living in it. We all should be so lucky to get a picture of a letter addressed to us posted on her website. Serena gracefully replied, via Twitter of course.

America's SweeTarts

Rest easy, America. Our long, national "OMG, are they ever gonna do it?" nightmare is over, as your most-hated reality star and your most-hated NFL star finally tied the knot over the weekend in Nashville, Tenn.

After a broken engagement, a baby, a second proposal via text message, a ring delivered oh-so-romantically by FedEx and hundreds of "We just want our privacy!" interviews, Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler made it official Saturday.

Us magazine reported the couple "looked incredibly happy," probably because it was their wedding day. Apparently, though, any time Cutler replaces his trademark scowl with a smile, it really is national news.

Heidi and Spencer were reportedly not in attendance. That's probably for the best, because I don't think the gossip magazines would have been able to contain their excitement if they were. Never mind. Thought it was 2009 for a minute.

Proof that DeAndre Jordan knows how to read

Gallardo Franklin

If you haven't seen the NBA edition of "Mean Tweets" from "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" yet, you probably need to check your email. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has sent this link out this week as if he or she was the first to discover it from the little-known medium called network television.

Various current and former NBA players read nasty tweets that have been posted about them. And hilarity ensues. Watch for no other reason than to see Rajon Rondo mention that he looks like Franklin the Turtle.

Ocho being Ocho Chad being Chad

During his NFL career, Chad Johnson slapped a lot of his teammates on the butt when he was pleased with their work. Apparently -- as he found out the hard way -- that's not an acceptable way to express the same sentiment in the courtroom.

Johnson, formerly known as Chad Ochocinco and as a football player, angered Judge Kathleen McHugh when he patted his attorney on the butt after his plea deal for a probation violation was accepted. McHugh was so upset by the laughter that ensued in her courtroom that she revoked the plea deal that would have kept Johnson out of jail and sentenced him to 30 days of hard time.

Johnson's lawyers have tried to appeal by explaining his action was merely a sign of respect and nothing more. McHugh doesn't seem to be buying it.

While I can't imagine Johnson will ever have another chance to slap a teammate's bum on the field, I have to think this jail time could land him another reality show. Or at least an appearance on "Dr. Phil." 'Murica!

Keeping up with the Jones

Ever wonder how you could land a date with Michael Phelps? No? Well, whatever. Everyone's favorite non-Olympic medalist, Lolo Jones, still made an entertaining Vine on the topic. I know you can spare six seconds to watch it.

Man of Steel?

After Tuesday night's embarrassing loss to the Spurs in Game 3 of the NBA Finals, LeBron James showed up to practice on Wednesday wearing a makeshift superhero cape. And the sports world FREAKED OUT.

The cape, which seemed to just be a team practice jersey slung around his neck, sparked Heat fans everywhere to publicly speculate things like "Where was this superhero in Game 3?" and "Is this the boost of confidence LeBron needs to carry this team on his back the rest of the series?" and "Where can I get one of these capes to wear around?"

In a move clearly stolen from Dwight Howard's playbook, LeBron even wore the ensemble to his postpractice news conference. If you're a Miami fan, you have to hope the cape works out better for LeBron than it did for Dwight this season.

Most important, when will athletes realize you can't dress like a superhero unless you know you can play like one when it counts? You're just setting yourself up to be a Twitter target otherwise.

A vast improvement over Maggie Simpson's attempt

You've probably never thought about Moe the Bartender, Apu or Chief Wiggum announcing the Dodgers' lineup, but once you watch this clip, you'll never want to hear it any other way. Unless it involves Comic Book Guy or Duffman, that is. Take it away, Hank Azaria!

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