Manziel's return is just the ticket
In case you were too busy trying to figure out if you should or shouldn't wear a headband during your next pickup basketball game, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft did his part this week to renew the cold war when he told the New York Post that Russian President Vladimir Putin stole his 2005 Super Bowl ring. Reportedly the two had a meeting during the summer of 2005, and Kraft gave Putin the ring to try on. Putin, delighted with the diamond-encrusted jewel, remarked that he could "kill someone with this ring" and then proceeded to put it in his pocket. Then, per Kraft, Putin was surrounded by "three KGB guys" and they walked out, ring in tow.
Kraft said he received a call soon after from then-President George W. Bush's staff asking him to say the ring was a gift to help improve U.S.-Russia diplomacy. Kraft honored that request until this week, for reasons that are unclear.
Putin's people have denied the story, insisting the ring was a gift and calling Kraft's story "weird." Which sounds like a very American phrase, so there goes my "lost in translation" theory.
Gift, theft … who cares? If I've learned anything from "The Americans," it's WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU GET ON THE BAD SIDE OF THE KGB? Keri Russell is coming for you, Bob Kraft.
However, with the week that Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez seems to be having, this ring story looks like a bright spot for the team right now.
Nothing is certain but death, taxes and… a Lolo Jones controversy
Think your job doesn't pay well? Try being a bobsledder, apparently. Hurdler-turned-bobsledder Lolo Jones posted a Vine on Monday of her most recent paycheck. The grand total for seven months of feeling the rhythm and feeling the rhyme? $741.84.
Lolo shared the news in a six-second video in which she jokingly called her landlord and explained she might not be able to pay her rent on time. Some in the bobsledding community were outraged by the clip that was, again, six seconds and a joke. Call me crazy, but if I were a bobsledder, I would stop being offended by this video and start doing something about that paycheck.
And, in Lolo's defense, this is still significantly better than that time she trash-talked Eric LeGrand.
Only in Miami
Thanks to the Heat fans, er, people who paid a lot of money to take Instagram selfies at a basketball game, who provided a valuable service Tuesday in why you should never leave a game early. Not that anyone outside of Miami needed that lesson.
Hundreds of people -- who clearly had no idea how fast a basketball game can turn around -- left Game 6 with minutes to go in the fourth quarter. When Ray Allen made a 3-pointer with seconds to go to force overtime, they all must have received tweets or texts on the matter and unsuccessfully tried to find their way back into the arena. The videos and images of this are totally worth a Google search.
Heat overtime hero Chris Bosh had a message for the fair-weather fans: "For all those guys who left, don't come back for Game 7."
Luckily for Bosh, Mansion in South Beach was having a half-price-bottle night on Thursday, so none of those people bothered coming to watch the Heat win their second straight NBA title.
Long live the Whale
This wedding season, as you're wearing a hideous bridesmaid's dress you'll never put on again or perusing a Bed Bath & Beyond gift registry for overpriced table linens, know that somewhere out there (OK, in Gardner, Mass.), one amazing couple had the best wedding of all time that you weren't invited to.
What made these nuptials so special, you ask? Better cue up "Brass Bonanza"! It was Hartford Whalers-themed. And it looked glorious. Kate Murphy and Sean Dwyer (aka two people I desperately want to be friends with) married at an ice rink in Massachusetts in March. The day was complete with groomsmen wearing Whalers jerseys, a logo on the wedding dress, a T-shirt- tossing mascot, green foam fingers, a referee as the justice of the peace and, of course, a beer man serving the crowd. As a Hartford native, I teared up a little for this one.
If you have 23 minutes to spare and don't feel like a total creep watching a slideshow of pictures from a stranger's wedding, check out the video documenting the green-tie affair.
Being a beloved college QB is so hard
The Buzz's favorite party bro, Johnny Manziel, is back, y'all! I think we had gone a whole three weeks without him in this column. I was starting to wonder if he was sick or something, since there was no news on his partying and … well, his partying.
The reigning Heisman winner, spring break aficionado and social media all-star sparked an immediate controversy Sunday morning with a since-deleted tweet. In the post he wrote, "Bulls--- like tonight is a reason why I can't wait to leave college station…whenever it may be."
Texas A&M and college football fans alike were immediately in an uproar because, duh. And while some entertaining rumors swirled as to what the cryptic tweet could be referring to, it apparently was because he got a parking ticket. OMG, being a college QB is, like, so hard! I can't believe someone parked on the wrong side of the street and then got in trouble for it. It's, like, so not fair, you guys.
Here's some advice, Johnny: If you don't want a parking ticket, don't park illegally. If you don't want people to call you out for an idiotic tweet, don't write an idiotic tweet. It's not that hard. Never mind. From what we've seen from Manziel, maybe it really is that hard.
Who are the people who just don't care rooting for?
If you're like me, you've loved everything about the NBA Finals, and that most definitely includes Jimmy Kimmel's hilarious contributions. Here's his very-specific look at which team certain demographics are rooting for, just in case you were unclear if the smelly were Spurs or Heat fans.