A week of dumb luck
In case you were too busy desperately trying to erase Miley Cyrus' VMA performance from your brain, here's the best of the email and Gchat fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Paging ANY doctor out there who can confirm this
Apparently Jerry Jones has taken the Aaliyah classic "Age Ain't Nothing but a Number" to heart, and thankfully not in an R. Kelly kind of way. The iconic Cowboys owner claims he has the brain of a 40-year-old. The 70-year-old (at least physically, anyway) told the Dallas Morning News that a recent CAT scan revealed the medical miracle.
"I've been told that I have, by CAT scans, that it's like the brain of a 40-year-old. [The doctor] really did not know it was me. I was there anonymously. He said, 'And so I just wanted to come down. I saw your chart. I know how old you are. That part is really impressive.'"
That sound you're currently hearing is laptops being thrown by Cowboys fans who always assumed Jones' oft-questionable decision-making was a result of senility. There goes that theory. Can only imagine how much worse that Roy Williams trade would have been if Jones had the brain of a senior citizen.
After a month of controversy about being paid to sign autographs, the Johnny Manziel saga has finally ended. And what did the approximately 2,000 hours of television coverage translate into? A half-game suspension. In a meaningless game against Rice.
Calling that a slap on the wrist is insulting to slapped wrists everywhere. On a positive note, I can only imagine how epic the party at Johnny's on-campus house must have been Wednesday night.
No word if Manziel will be doing an autograph signing during his first-half downtime Saturday.
And while Johnny Football might have gotten off easy with the NCAA, he was not as fortunate with an Oklahoma car dealership. Fowler Toyota of Norman aired its brand-new commercial this week in which "Johnny Savings" gets some cash for signing autographs. Sound familiar? It shouldn't -- according to the NCAA, that is.
In what was actually front-page news in Connecticut, former UConn standout Kara Wolters called police last week to report her 1997 Associated Press player of the year trophy had been stolen from her home. She noted that nothing else had been taken.
On Tuesday, the state was able to breathe easy after the culprit was identified. It was her grandmother… who had taken the trophy to be cleaned as a surprise. Looks like Wolters will not be winning any granddaughter of the year trophies anytime soon.
The retired center brought the local police a batch of cookies to apologize for wasting their time, so thankfully everyone is a winner in this story. Except for poor Grandma Wolters.
On a related and topical note, I once saw Wolters at an 'N Sync concert. We high-fived, and it was a defining moment of my apparently not-that-exciting childhood. So there's that. Judge accordingly.
Sadly, this doesn't solve the 'What rhymes with hug me?' riddle
Just how demoralizing was Francesca Schiavone's loss to Serena Williams in the opening round at the US Open? So much so, she needed a hug in the second set from a random ball boy. Down 6-0, 2-0, the 2010 French Open winner surprised the on-court helper with an embrace. Unfortunately for Schiavone, it didn't make an ounce of difference. She ultimately lost 6-0, 6-1, but she did provide a pretty memorable moment for those of us watching at home, and presumably for the ball boy.
In a hard-hitting exclusive with People magazine, Lindsey Vonn reveals her life is "awesome." Which must be a huge surprise to the one person out there who thinks being a superstar athlete with fame, endorsements and a multimillionaire, megastar-athlete boyfriend is a rough life.
In the interview, featured among stories titled "Pets Who Think They're Miley Cyrus" and "Check Out Hayden Panettiere's Crazy New Hair!" the Olympic gold medalist also reflected on her relationship with Tiger Woods, calling it "awesome" (anyone else sensing a theme here?) in part because he "doesn't even leave the seat up." We all should be so lucky.
The US Open really couldn't spring for AAA?
Tennis player Tim Smyczek was just minding his own business on Wednesday, doing whatever it is professional athletes do when being chartered to an event in a courtesy vehicle, when the car transporting him to his first-round US Open match ran out of gas. Instead of panicking, like just about everyone else on the planet would do, the 25-year old took to Twitter to share his story.
Yup we ran out of gas on the way to the courts. Just sitting on the side of the road... pic.twitter.com/OSiFGnvLZk— Tim Smyczek (@timsmyczek) August 28, 2013
And I thought taking the 7 train to Flushing Meadows was a hassle. Luckily for Smyczek, he not only found another ride to the venue with plenty of time to spare, he also defeated James Duckworth in four sets.
'Looks like that call was dropped'
Weekend golfers, beware. There's a new enforcer in town. And he has a really, really sweet 'stache. Meet Rickie, er, Dick Fowler, P.I.
In a series of new commercials for Farmers Insurance, Rickie Fowler expands on his "Golf Boy" talents by playing 'stached course muscle with a low tolerance for breaches of golf etiquette. That means you, dude talking on your cell during your buddy's backswing.