It's the stuff of nightmares
In case you were too busy swinging naked on a wrecking ball (just Miley?), here's the best of the email and Twitter fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Rule No. 879,834: Don't quit football for a Baldwin brother unless it's Alec
With the current drought of offensive targets for Tom Brady, it seems only logical the Patriots would consider bringing back smiling wide receiver Brandon Lloyd. Alas, Lloyd has other things going on, and thankfully not in an Aaron Hernandez kind of way. The 32-year-old reportedly turned down New England so he could star in a straight-to-DVD flick with your third-favorite Baldwin brother.
The sure-to-be cinematic treasure called "After Effect" is described on IMDB.com as an action/horror/thriller. Whatever that means. But here's the plot summary for the zombie flick:
"When college students sign up for what seems a simple paid research study, they soon realize their lives are in danger. Unfortunately they've unknowingly volunteered their bodies as human collateral in an ongoing U.S. Military experiment."
I smell Oscar consideration! For the new Woody Allen film, that is. Interestingly (or maybe not), despite Lloyd's time constraints, he's not even listed as a main cast member. He plays a character named Sgt. Chuck Lloyd, a smiling military man … who should be catching passes from Brady and not making Patriots fans everywhere suffer through another game of Aaron Dobson dropping everything that comes his way. Err, or something like that.
Your move, Nerlens Noel
Ben McLemore may have been the seventh pick in the 2013 NBA draft, but he's easily the leading candidate for the Rookie ... Prankster of the Year award. "Son of the Year?" Not so much.
Ain't that just like LeBron James?
In case the last 9,757,345 reasons weren't enough proof, it's pretty OK to be LeBron James these days. Last weekend the reigning NBA MVP married his longtime girlfriend, Savannah Brinson, at a crazy expensive San Diego resort in front of "hundreds" of their closest friends.
The nuptials, which were part of a three-day celebration, featured your standard wedding fare -- a lukewarm piece of balsamic chicken, a DJ spinning your favorite late-'90s tunes, an uncle who had four drinks too many -- and … a performance by Jay Z and Beyonce. Guessing all of your Saturdays at your friends' weddings in the past few months suddenly don't seem that impressive. Jay and B performed "Crazy in Love" at the reception, probably in lieu of the "Electric Slide."
And in case you weren't feeling bad enough about your wedding/wasted weekends at other people's weddings, I just made up the stuff about the mediocre food and the drunk uncle. I'm sure the food was the perfect temperature, every great '90s song was played and any intoxicated relative was immediately escorted off the premises by an NBA All-Star.
You snooze, you lose. Literally.
In "why you shouldn't fall asleep around Caroline Wozniacki" news, the tennis star posted a picture of her boyfriend, Rory McIlroy, in the middle of a nap on Monday. It is not the most flattering picture of the golfer, who appears to be in mid-drool or snore.
Of course, with these two social-media-loving kids, it's quite possible the whole thing was staged. Guess when you're not winning tournaments, you have to get creative in finding ways to get attention. Insert the mandatory "too bad they don't spend this much energy on tennis/golf" line here.
She's gone country
Danica Patrick will co-host the American Country Awards with singer Trace Adkins in December. The NASCAR driver has shared her newfound fandom for the musical genre as of late, crediting boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse Jr. She even appeared in Miranda Lambert's "Fastest Girl in Town" video in 2012.
Because country fans are known for their love of inauthenticity and drivers who struggle to finish in the top 30, I'm sure this will end really well. Mark your Twitter calendars for Dec. 10 and start following some country fans, y'all. This could be epic.
Insert identical mandatory line about Caroline Wozniacki and replace "tennis" with "driving" here.
They couldn't have even sent him a courtesy text?
Trent Richardson was just cruising around in his Escalade (probably) on Wednesday afternoon thinking about the Browns' playbook or Britney Spears' just-announced Las Vegas residency, when a friend called to tell him he had been traded. After telling said friend to shut the front door, the running back turned on the radio to find out he had, in fact, been traded to the Colts.
The No. 3 pick in the 2012 draft was understandably shocked by the news. And while I'm sure the team's front office spent a considerable amount of time contemplating and finalizing the deal, it's hard to believe that no one could find the 45 seconds to call Richardson and tell him the news so he wouldn't have to, you know, hear about it on the radio at the same time as everyone else or a full hour after everyone under 40 heard about it on Twitter.
However, don't feel too bad for Richardson. After all, he doesn't have to play for the Browns anymore. That has to be nicest thing the Browns could do for anyone at this point.
Does this actually make anyone want to eat pistachios?
Dennis Rodman has seen more than his fair share of headlines this year, largely due to his inexplicable friendship with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. So naturally, Rodman being Rodman, he decided to exploit the relationship for a quick buck in one of the strangest commercials ever made. Complete with neon green hair, "The Worm" is sitting with an actor who resembles Kim. The Hall of Famer shares "the secret to world peace is … pistachios." This prompts the Kim look-alike to press a red button and blow Rodman up.
Oh yum, pistachios!
On a serious note, who told Rodman this was a good idea? Aside from the whole poor taste thing, I can't imagine Kim is going to appreciate this, uh, joke. Rodman may want to check his seat carefully next time he's throwing some brews back with the dictator.
But, hey, other pistachio ad alums include Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, and look at how well it turned out for their relationship!