Full servings of humiliation
In case you were too busy pretending to be a member of Congress and not doing anything productive this week, here's the best of the email and Twitter fodder you missed from the sports world and beyond.
Think anyone gave him bus money? Spoiler alert: Probably not.
In happy news for just about everyone not named Lane Kiffin, the USC coach was unceremoniously fired Sunday morning after a humbling loss at Arizona State. Kiffin and the team flew back to Los Angeles after the game and landed at LAX around 3 a.m. Per usual, a bus was waiting to take the Trojans back to campus. After getting everyone and their luggage on board, Kiffin reportedly was called off the bus and taken to a small room inside the terminal. After presumably being assured this had nothing to do with a smuggled shampoo bottle on the plane, Kiffin was promptly fired.
If his dismissal wasn't enough, Kiffin reportedly was not allowed to reboard the bus and he stood in the cold, empty airport terminal alone -- jobless, rideless and luggageless. Of course this happens to have been the one time TMZ was not aimlessly trolling LAX looking for despondent celebrities. Thanks for nothing, Harvey Levin.
While there have been unconfirmed reports of how Kiffin actually got home, I have this image of him in my head trying unsuccessfully to hitchhike. If that's not what really happened, I don't want to know.
I imagine most University of Tennessee and Oakland Raiders fans were all like "ha-ha" upon hearing the news of his firing when they woke up Sunday. Hitchhiking home or otherwise.
This will undoubtedly be the basis for a future Prego ad campaign
Ravens wide receiver Torrey Smith and his wife, Chanel, took to Instagram on Monday to let the world know they're expecting a baby. With a picture of spaghetti and a perfectly named tomato, garlic and onion sauce. Already in weekend mode and don't get it? Just look at the picture below.
I give this a 10 for originality and adorableness, but I'm going to have to deduct a point because now all I want to do is eat pasta.
The best 14 seconds of every Celtics fan's week
Louisville head coach Rick Pitino called in to the "Toucher & Rich" radio show in Boston on Thursday morning to promote his new book. Or so he thought. The former Celtics coach -- whose name still can't be brought up in Massachusetts without eliciting eye-rolls, broken glass or Will Hunting-style rants -- clearly didn't think through agreeing to this particular interview.
And it went exactly as every Boston fan dreamed it would. After a brief introduction, eliciting a "Morning, guys" from Pitino, Fred Toucher said: "You stink. You ruined the Celtics," and hung up. Take some notes here, Lane Kiffin, in case an L.A.-based radio program reaches out in 10 years with an interview request.
Here's the link to the entire radio segment, but you really only need to listen to the first 14 magical/hilarious/incredible seconds to appreciate this.
Does Richard Sherman get to eat for free?
Having a bad week at work? I promise it will feel positively delightful after you hear about the week Texans quarterback Matt Schaub is having. After throwing a pick-six to Richard Sherman on Sunday that helped Seattle get back into a game it eventually won, Schaub probably thought it couldn't get any worse. But if he was right, he wouldn't be featured in this column. So there's that, Matty.
On Tuesday, Skeeter's Mesquite Grill in Houston was offering the "Matt Schaub special." Customers could pick six toppings for their burger and "pay dearly for it." Ouch.
While I recognize the frustration for Texans fans, they really should just feel fortunate they don't have to serve the Geno Smith platter or the Blaine Gabbert/Chad Henne combo meal.
No, this isn't at Richard Sherman's house. It's at a Houston area restaurant. pic.twitter.com/lo32Cg4kBS— Terry Blount (@TerryBlountESPN) October 2, 2013
He may not have passed the bar, but he knows a little bit
With complete disrespect to Scott Boras, Jay Z is well on his way to being the best sports agent of ALL TIME. What does Hova have that no one else does? His past career. No, no, not that rapper thing. That time he was a drug dealer! Duh.
In a profile for the November issue of Vanity Fair, Jay Z credits his past hustle for preparing him for his new career:
"I know about budgets. I was a drug dealer," he shared with the mag. "To be in a drug deal, you need to know what you can spend, what you need to re-up. Or if you want to start some sort of barbershop or car wash — those were the businesses back then. Things you can get in easily to get out of [that] life. At some point, you have to have an exit strategy, because your window is very small; you're going to get locked up or you're going to die."
I'm sure this is exactly what he said to Skylar Diggins and Kevin Durant when persuading them to sign with him. However, considering Jay never started a car wash OR a barbershop, shouldn't we be deeming him unsuccessful in his former life? Ehh, whatever. Parties at the 40/40 Club with Beyonce and Justin Timberlake and access to Tom Ford are obviously what athletes are really looking for in an agent.
Somewhere out there, probably in Terrell Owens' driveway, Drew Rosenhaus is desperately looking for street cred and superstar friends.
Congratulations! Now leave.
As a reward for reaching the WNBA Finals, the Atlanta Dream get to play their home games in a strange venue they've never played in before. So that's different.
The team, which calls Phillips Arena home, has been given the boot for the most important games of the year because "Disney on Ice" is taking the court.
The Dream will now be hosting Game 3 (and 4, if necessary) at the Gwinnett Center in Duluth, about 30 miles north of downtown Atlanta. And while the Dream may not be familiar with their new setting, Lynx star Maya Moore is more than familiar with the new digs, having won three state high school titles in the building. So much for home-court advantage.
With his size and ballhandling skills, every NBA GM should be calling …
This polar bear is not only cuter than you, but he's also better at basketball. I'm going to let the double dribbles slide here on account of that he could literally eat me alive.