Bestowing a few major awards

April, 12, 2009

AUGUSTA, Ga. -- For winning the 2009 Masters Tournament, Angel Cabrera received … a green jacket.

But you already knew that.

Less publicized are the other awards that were handed out after play was completed at Augusta National Golf Club. Fear not, though, as I've obtained a list of every honor bestowed upon this week's competitors.

The "South Park Award" goes to … Kenny Perry's irons.
As in, "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "You bastards!" Perry was cruising along on the strength of solid ball-striking for 70 holes, culminating with a near-ace on 16 in the final round. From there, though, his blades eluded him, going awry on the final two holes of regulation and both playoff holes.

The "No. 1 at No. 2 Award" goes to … Chad Campbell.
Full disclosure: The name of this award was stolen from the motto of a plumbing company -- and it's no coincidence that Campbell feels like he flushed away another chance at a major championship title. He's now twice been a bridesmaid, having finished runner-up to Shaun Micheel at the 2003 PGA Championship, too.

The "John Wayne Award" goes to … Shingo Katayama.
Chad Campbell is from Texas, Kenny Perry grew up in a rural environment, and Hunter Mahan was a Cowboy at Oklahoma State, but only one guy on the leaderboard can pull off the cowboy hat at the Masters. And every eight years, like clockwork, Shingo finishes in the top 5 of a major. True grit, indeed.

The "Marshal Plan Award" goes to … Todd Hamilton.
True story: If a spectator's gait quickens to more than a brisk walk while on the grounds of Augusta National, a marshal will admonish said rule-breaker with a friendly-yet-stern warning. "There … is … no … running … at … the … Augusta … National."

When he holed out his third shot for par from the drop area on No. 12 on Sunday, however, Hamilton worked his way into a steady jog while traversing across Hogan's Bridge.

The "Memory Like An Elephant Award" goes to … John Merrick.
Here's guessing the golfer heard plenty of comments while growing up about his name similarity to a certain character from a 1981 Oscar-nominated film. And here's also guessing that it happened again after a final-round 66 that upped him to a share of sixth place, he's had the last laugh. "I'm a man!!!"

The "Jewish Kid On Easter Award" goes to … Phil Mickelson.
Why? Because he kept missing bunnies. Lefty gacked a 5-footer on 15, then yoked a 4-footer on 17. Hey, Phil: Sergio Garcia called. He wants his putting stroke back.

The "Enter Sandman Award" goes to … the spectator who decided to dive into a bunker while Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson were on the 17th hole in the final round.

At other tournaments, this guy would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. At the Masters, the men in green jackets are the law. Don't know what his penalty will be, but hey -- someone's gotta scrub the bottom of Rae's Creek, right?

The "Alice Cooper Award" goes to … Tiger Woods.
The avid golfer/musician would love the comparison, but instead it's some of his lyrics that apply to the top-ranked player's final-hole struggles. Woods made bogey on No. 18 in three of four rounds, his worst tourney total at Augusta's final hole ever. "Eighteen/I just don't know what I want/Eighteen/I gotta get away/Eighteen/I gotta get out of this place."

The "Trunk-Slammer Award" goes to … Ernie Els, Adam Scott, Retief Goosen and Fred Couples.
Each failed to make the cut this week. But hey, at least the traffic on Magnolia Lane isn't nearly as heavy on Friday afternoon.

The "Bittersweet Tweet Award" goes to … Stewart Cink.
A serial Twitter user, Cink missed the cut at Augusta then posted about it after the round. "Started back nine with In-N-Out Burger: Double Double." No telling whether that stretch of 4-over-par was served animal-style.

The "Clapper Award" goes to … Augusta National Golf Club.
Sing along if you know the words. "Clap on! (Clap-clap!) Clap off! (Clap-clap!) Clap on, clap off, the clapper! (Clap-clap!)"

Let's not suggest any of the fellas in green jackets can't still work a light switch, but they also knew how to fire up the applause meter, instilling more roars from the patrons on the course than in any recent edition of the tournament.

The "Big Five-Ohhhh Award" goes to … Tim Clark.
The Par-3 Contest has now been contested in every year since 1960 -- 50 years in all -- and no winner has ever claimed the green jacket four days later. Clark was the latest to suffer this fate, which might mean it's only a matter of time before players start splashing a shag bag full of balls into Ike's Pond in hopes of finishing as far from the lead as possible.

The "Birdie Bunch Award" goes to … Anthony Kim.
In Friday's second round, the 23-year-old wunderkind posted a Masters-record 11 birdies. In the other three rounds combined, he posted a total of … 11 birdies. That, uh, wasn't a record.

The "Jonas Brothers Award" goes to Rory McIlroy, Danny Lee and Ryo Ishikawa. Video games? Nah. Hanging at the mall? Bor-ing. Instead, the latest teenage fad sweeping the globe is competing in the Masters Tournament. Just be careful about the ensuing peer pressure.

"C'mon, you know you want to … all the cool kids are doing it …"

The "Shankopotamous Award" goes to … Angel Cabrera.
That's right. The very same man who claimed the green jacket Sunday also hit a dead shank earlier in his round. Trying to go for the par-5 eighth hole in two, El Pato looked like a 16-handicapper, scooting a hosel-rocket down the right side of the fairway, though he did save par. Shanks for the memories, Angel.

Jason Sobel is a golf writer for He can be reached at

Jason Sobel | email

ESPN Senior Writer



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