The flop stops here

WELCOME, PLAYERS, to Flight 1213, our new nonflop flight with continuing service to the NBA Finals. Please take a moment to review our new no-flopping policy. While reading it, note the location of your four officials: one on the baseline, one at the foul line extended, one near the three-point line -- and one at NBA headquarters who's ready to review all potential flops for the flailing of arms, the embellishing of contact, the whipping of heads and the feigning of injury. (Mr. Pierce, would you please remove your headphones?) In the likely event that a flop does occur, you will first be issued a warning. Additional flops, up to and including a fifth one, will incur escalating fees of up to $30,000 -- also known as chump change. A player who receives a sixth violation (a pillow, Mr. Ginobili?) may be suspended or remanded to the custody of air marshal Stu Jackson. So for your safety, please turn off and stow away all electronic devices, and enough already with the following acts.

The Stop and Drop

Do you collapse like a dog hitting an electric fence every time you run into a pick, no matter if the screener is Nikola Pekovic or Nate Robinson? Then it's time to learn to work around screens -- or how to call "Switch!"
Frequent floppers: Mario Chalmers, Danilo Gallinari, Omer Asik

The Ric Flair

When a nearby opponent raises his arm, you:
1) Position your forehead inches from his elbow;
2) Crumple to the court as if tasered in the temple;
3) Repeatedly yell "My eyes! My eyes!" If so, stop it. It's just embarrassing.
Frequent floppers: James Harden, Chris Paul

The Fall Guy

Are you a post defender? Do you often find yourself absorbing an initial bump on the blocks, only to drop like a bowling pin on second contact? Are you Dwyane Wade? If "yes" to at least two of these three questions, cut it out.
Frequent floppers: Dwyane Wade, Pau Gasol

The Flying Fibula

Attention, Reggie Miller disciples: Sticking your leg out to draw contact with a defender while shooting a J might earn a free throw, but it's also likely to earn you a patronizing lecture from David Stern. Worth it? Doubt it.
Frequent floppers: Manu Ginobili, Dirk Nowitzki, Paul Pierce

The Fender Bender

Do you ever deliberately stop short while dribbling down the court in an attempt to force a trailing defender into a rear-end collision? Works on car insurance claims. Will not work in today's NBA.
Frequent floppers: Tony Parker, Rajon Rondo, Russell Westbrook

The Hurt Locker

When battling for position down low, you like to lock elbows with opponents, then execute histrionic "escapes," arms a-flailing, from these traps of your own making. Look Ma, I'm Dennis Rodman! No, you're not. Nor do you want to be.
Frequent floppers: Blake Griffin, Kevin Garnett

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