WELCOME, PLAYERS, to Flight 1213, our new nonflop flight with continuing service to the NBA Finals. Please take a moment to review our new no-flopping policy. While reading it, note the location of your four officials: one on the baseline, one at the foul line extended, one near the three-point line -- and one at NBA headquarters who's ready to review all potential flops for the flailing of arms, the embellishing of contact, the whipping of heads and the feigning of injury. (Mr. Pierce, would you please remove your headphones?) In the likely event that a flop does occur, you will first be issued a warning. Additional flops, up to and including a fifth one, will incur
The Stop and Drop
Do you collapse like a dog hitting an electric fence every time you run into a pick, no matter if the screener is Nikola Pekovic or Nate Robinson? Then it's time to learn to work around screens -- or how to call "Switch!"
Frequent floppers: Mario Chalmers, Danilo Gallinari, Omer Asik
The Ric Flair
When a nearby opponent raises his arm, you:
1) Position your forehead inches from his elbow;
2) Crumple to the court as if tasered in the temple;
3) Repeatedly yell "My eyes! My eyes!" If so, stop it. It's just embarrassing.
Frequent floppers: James Harden, Chris Paul
The Fall Guy
Are you a post defender? Do you often find yourself absorbing an initial bump on the blocks, only to drop like a bowling pin on second contact? Are you Dwyane Wade? If "yes" to at least two of these three questions, cut it out.
Frequent floppers: Dwyane Wade, Pau Gasol
The Flying Fibula
Attention, Reggie Miller disciples: Sticking your leg out to draw contact with a defender while shooting a J might earn a free throw, but it's also likely to earn you a patronizing lecture from David Stern. Worth it? Doubt it.
Frequent floppers: Manu Ginobili, Dirk Nowitzki, Paul Pierce
The Fender Bender
Frequent floppers: Tony Parker, Rajon Rondo, Russell Westbrook
The Hurt Locker
When battling for position down low, you like to lock elbows with opponents, then execute histrionic "escapes," arms a-flailing, from these traps of your own making. Look Ma, I'm Dennis Rodman! No, you're not. Nor do you want to be.
Frequent floppers: Blake Griffin, Kevin Garnett