The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
Well, I've got some good news, can't wait to tell you
I realized I missed you, since we've been apart
I just needed time to make up my mind
But I'm in love with you with all my heart
And I've got some good news
I got some bad news, I don't know how to break to you
I found someone new since we been apart
I had too much time and he took you off my mind
And I'm in love with him with all of my heart
I got some bad news
Him and Her:
And I guess all is fair in love and war
Someone wins but someone wins more
You never know what time will do
All I know is I've got some good news
I've got some bad news
-- "Good News, Bad News," George Strait and Lee Ann Womack
All due respect to William Shakespeare, but "To be or not to be?" is not the question.
Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located in the basement beneath the warehouse where Tom Rinaldi stores our tears, we know that the actual question is: "I have good news and I have bad news, what do you want first?"
(We also know that the real William Shakespeare isn't the guy who wrote all those purty words, but rather the 1935 All-American Notre Dame halfback, aka The Merchant of Menace. But we digress . . . )
Speaking of tears, the college football season is down to its final few weekends. Some teams -- a lot of teams -- have only two games remaining on the calendar. For our teams, the squads of the Bottom 10, those games are the final rungs of an evil ladder that only as they reach the end reveals that there is no end. There's no net. No cushion. Rather, like Loki at the end of "Thor," only an endless free fall into a black hole.
But as the banished Agent of Asgard can attest, there is always good news -- in his case, a black hole that was actually a portal into a series of sequels that has made him very rich.
So, as our Bottom 10 teams hurtle toward the oblivion of the offseason, what good news can we offer them? And what inevitable bad news will there be to counter it? Grab your Infinity Stones and read ahead.
With apologies to King George and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. UC(not S)F (0-10)
I have good news. The Knights did not lose. I also have bad news. They didn't lose because they didn't play. Thursday night brings a sword fight against East Carolina. Sources tell me that Knightro and PeeDee the Pirate will meet pregame for an aaargh-off.
2. Kansas (0-10)
I have great news. The Nayhawks almost beat TCU. I also have not-as-great news. They still lost. This week brings a visit from West Virginia. Sources tell me that on Monday night, a Red Bull truck backed up to the loading dock at Memorial Stadium and a dude with a clipboard asked: "I've got a delivery here for a Dana Hologram."
3. Louisiana Monroe (1-9)
I have good news. The Warhawks will face Bottom 10 roommates Texas State and Hawaii, plus New Mexico State in the final three weekends of the season, so the chances of finally earning that second win are pretty good. I also have bad news. I said this exact same thing about their recently completed run against Idaho, ULL and Troy. That stretch got their coach fired.
4. Why, oming? (1-10)
I have great news. The Cowboys are allowing 34.5 points per game, which ranks 108th in the nation. I also have not-as-great news. They are averaging 17 points per game on offense, which ranks 123rd in the nation. Oh, wait . . . let me try again. I have great news. The Cowboys are averaging 181.7 passing yards per game, which is 107th . . . OK, sorry, this premise doesn't really work here. This is all terrible news.
5. Miami (Not Ohio) (6-4)
I'll be honest with you. This could have been LSU. Or perhaps even the entire Pac-12. But I just want to see if, after being given a few weeks to figure out how this Coveted Fifth Spot thing works, fans of The U might actually get it now. They didn't understand it so much when I put them here after losing to Clemson 58-0. I have good news: The Canes didn't give up 58 points to North Carolina. I also have bad news: They gave up 59 points to North Carolina.
6. SMU Musdangs (1-9)
I have good news. After two consecutive weeks against AP Top 25 foes from the American Athletic Conference of American Athletics, the Mustangs don't have to face another such foe this week. They host Tulane. I also have not-so-great news. They end the season with a trip to Memphis.
7. The Boys From Oopsilanti (1-10)
I have great news. Eastern Michigan linebacker Great Ibe (great name) not only had a tremendous game, he was also the Walter Camp National Defensive Player of the Week after recording 21(!) tackles against UMess. I also have not-as-great Great Ibe news. He can't be cloned, and they lost Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year 7A (PFOWY7A) 28-17.
8. Charlotte 2and8'ers (2-8)
I have great news. There were actually two PFOWY's over the weekend. I also have not-as-great news. Charlotte played in the second one, against R-O-C-K in the UTSA and now the 2and7'ers are the 2and8'ers.
9. Tejas State (2-7)
I have good news. Texas State finally recorded its first INT of the season, snatched during the Bobcats' 41-19 loss to Georgia State Not Southern. I also have bad news. It took the entire defense to bring it in. OK, not the entire defense, but by my count seven people. You can see it and count for yourself here. This weekend brings PFOWY8, a Thursday night visit from ULM.
10. Huh-why-yuh (2-9)
I have great news. A loss to another Bottom 10 team isn't always such a bad thing, as was the case against Fres-No State. I also have not-as-great news. It is definitely a bad thing when you lose that game 42-14. But I end this week's delve into dichotomy by bringing the best news of all. They do still get to live in Hawaii.
Waiting list: North Texas Forty (1-9); R-O-C-K in the UTSA (2-8); My Hammy of Ohio (2-9); FA(Not I)U (2-8); Pur-Don't (2-8); Merry-Land (2-8); UCLA's "our tradition colors are so awesome, but let's make people try and guess who we actually are" uniforms.