ESPN Network: | | | ABCSports | EXPN | FANTASY

The XFL's dirty dozen
Page 2 staff

Judging by all the talk, the XFL will deliver a distinct brand of football Saturday when the new league debuts. Rules such as no fair catches and mandatory two-point conversion attempts set it apart from the NFL.

But Page 2 has learned of numerous new rules that were too extreme even for the league. Here are the top 12, or the dirty dozen, rejected rules for the XFL:

Jesse Ventura
Jesse Ventura could have had more power under the XFL's rejected rules.

1. New position, the kamikaze player
Once a half, a player wearing a special brightly colored jersey may come off the bench to tackle a ballcarrier.

2. Use of the 'taser' gun
Once a game, each quarterback will be allowed to press a special "stun" button that releases an electronic impulse on any single defender's uniform, paralyzing that defender for five seconds.

3. No drug testing of any kind
Oh, wait, this rule already exists.

4. Separation of church and football
There will be no praising of God in postgame interviews (God won't watch the XFL). The first violation of this rule will be punishable by a $10,000 fine, the second by a $25,000 and any subsequent violation will require that the violator be stoned to death at the 50-yard line on pay-per-view.

5. Rehearsals
The winner of no more than half the regular-season games may be predetermined.

6. Roughing the kicker will be encouraged
Pounding, belittling, maiming and disemboweling the kicker will be tolerated.

7. Pep points
The winning team gets to keep one cheerleader from the losing team. At the end of the year, the team with the most cheerleaders wins.

8. Entertainment
A recording of Roseanne's national anthem must be played before every game. Only Pantera will be allowed to perform at halftime. 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys can perform, but they must first wrestle Chyna.

9. Overtime
A 20-yard-by-20-yard steel cage of barbed-wire will be used to settle all overtimes.

10. Late hits
Each team will be allowed one late hit per quarter. The hit must be from the front -- no clipping from behind.

11. Talking smack
When a player scores a touchdown, a microphone will descend into the end zone, and that player will be allowed to talk trash to his opponents for 10 seconds. If the touchdown is more than 50 yards, a spotlight will be placed on the player and he will be allowed 15 seconds.

12. No referees
They only get in the way. Any disputes will be resolved by Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura and other TV analysts looking at instant replay.

Being Vince McMahon

Making a List: X Rated

  Help | Advertiser Info | Contact Us | Tools | Site Map | Jobs at
Copyright ©2000 ESPN Internet Ventures.
Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and Safety Information are applicable to this site.