Employment Application for the
New York Metropolitan Baseball Club
Current address: _________________________
New address, beginning October 2003: _______________
Previous job experience (days served): _______________________
Reason for being asked to leave: ________________________________
Did the job live up to expectations? (If so, please discontinue filling out the remainder of application): _______________________
Most recent salary (discounting concession stand slush funds): _________________________________
Education (If any beyond sixth grade, you should be smart enough to avoid this job): _______________________
Do the words "Transparent Scapegoat" bother you? (If no, please continue filling out application): _______________________
References (Darryl Strawberry phone calls no longer accepted): ____________________________________________________________
Psychiatrist (name and office phone): _______________________
How many children would you have before you named one Mookie? __________
Would you describe your collection of disguises as ample, merely adequate, or nonexistent? __________________
Please indicate your "good" side and "bad" side for purposes of photography (note: The Post will be notified of your bad side, The Times notified of your good): ______________________________
Are you currently, or have you ever been a red-headed stepchild? ________________________
When you read about Sherman burning Atlanta to the ground, are your tears motivated primarily by joy, or sadness? ______________________
Do you suffer from bouts of extreme nausea, headaches, rashes, or jealousy upon hearing the words "Damn Yankees"? ______________________________________
Would you rather be considered a crazed masochist or a naïve moron? _____________________________________________
(write 1,000 words on one of the following)
When shopping, do older, overpriced models upset or entice you?
What is the most effective way to stage a player-manager marijuana intervention WITHOUT hurting the player's feelings, disciplining him, or expressly forbidding a player from continual usage?
Which would bother you more and why: your starting catcher holding hands with a man, or doing a commercial with Alf?