So you want to manage the Mets
By Brian and Andy Kamenetzky
Special to Page 2

Not anybody can manage the Mets. You have to be able to deal with all kinds of weird goings-on (pictures of pitchers using bongs, guys passing out from smoking too much dope, a GM who hates you and spends a lot of time in the clubhouse high-fiving "your" guys, an owner who changes his mind on a dime, fat underachievers, public forums on the sexual proclivities of your star slugger), constant mindless criticism (the New York Post, all-sports-all-the-time talk radio) and, of course, all the competitive pressure that goes with big-time sports in The Big Apple.

To separate the wannabes from the real big guys, Page 2 has developed this Mets Manager Application. Take a few minutes to fill it out, and see if you have what it takes to subject yourself to nightly criticism from Doris of Rego Park.

Employment Application for the
New York Metropolitan Baseball Club

Name: _________________________________

Current address: _________________________

New address, beginning October 2003: _______________

Previous job experience (days served): _______________________

Reason for being asked to leave: ________________________________

Did the job live up to expectations? (If so, please discontinue filling out the remainder of application): _______________________

Most recent salary (discounting concession stand slush funds): _________________________________

Education (If any beyond sixth grade, you should be smart enough to avoid this job): _______________________

Do the words "Transparent Scapegoat" bother you? (If no, please continue filling out application): _______________________

References (Darryl Strawberry phone calls no longer accepted): ____________________________________________________________

Psychiatrist (name and office phone): _______________________

How many children would you have before you named one Mookie? __________

Would you describe your collection of disguises as ample, merely adequate, or nonexistent? __________________

Please indicate your "good" side and "bad" side for purposes of photography (note: The Post will be notified of your bad side, The Times notified of your good): ______________________________

Are you currently, or have you ever been a red-headed stepchild? ________________________

When you read about Sherman burning Atlanta to the ground, are your tears motivated primarily by joy, or sadness? ______________________

Do you suffer from bouts of extreme nausea, headaches, rashes, or jealousy upon hearing the words "Damn Yankees"? ______________________________________

Would you rather be considered a crazed masochist or a naïve moron? _____________________________________________

Essay Questions
(write 1,000 words on one of the following)

  • When shopping, do older, overpriced models upset or entice you?

  • What is the most effective way to stage a player-manager marijuana intervention WITHOUT hurting the player's feelings, disciplining him, or expressly forbidding a player from continual usage?

  • Which would bother you more and why: your starting catcher holding hands with a man, or doing a commercial with Alf?

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