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It's divas vs. hot dogs

Page 2 columnist

A box-office giant refuses to come out of his trailer until someone agrees to detail his navel with a solid gold Q-tip.

A gridiron legend removes his helmet in the end zone so the whole world can revel in the superfreaky wonder that is him.

Prima donnas don't just happen, they are born of the wreckage when talent collides with ego at the corner of "Hey!" and "Look at Me!"

The entertainment world's always had 'em, but the world of sports is closing the gap. Which one earns bragging rights as the Mac Daddy, the bottomless cup o' narcissistic need? Sports prima donnas vs. showbiz prima donnas ... let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape.

Tale of the tape
Category Showbiz prima donnas Sports prima donnas Advantage
AKA's Divas Hot dogs Push. Both remain massively popular with the trend-setting gay community.
Early indications At birth, they
tried to kill their siblings.
At birth, they spiked their own umbilical cord. Sports.
Exhibit "A." Madonna Madonna Keyshawn Johnson Keyshawn Push. Wayne Chrebet had a better year than both of them.
Worst fears Their obit will be bumped off the front page by a world tragedy. Me and my mom won't make the cut for the next Campbell's chunky soup endorsement. Push -- way to go, Mom.
Turn ons Publicity, cameras, and their own reflection in the shallow end of a Bel Air pool.. Highlight footage, free agency, and slow, kiss-my-ass home run trots. Sports. I'd like to see Liz Taylor yank one into the mezzanine.
Turn offs You, or anything to do with you. The whole "team concept" thing. Push
Mottos "But enough about me. What did you think of my performance?" I'm a star. He's a flashlight. With better stats this year. Showbiz.
When good intentions go bad. Sending their stand-in to visit sick kids. Visiting sick kids, and insisting on autographing their X-rays. Push
Life expectancy 5-10 years, then a sad comeback after rehab. 5-10 years, and then a sad comeback in the XFL. Push.
Negotiations A weight clause guaranteeing all co-stars stay 10 pounds heavier than you. Having the ghost writer of your "autobiography" killed Push
Reaching new lows Going to a funeral for the photo op. Naming all five kids "George Foreman." Push.
Entourage Agent, manager, accountant, airbrush artist, cosmetic surgeon, astrologer. Hair-braider, trim coordinator, homies, preacher, bodyguard. Sports, face it -- it's a fun list.
Spending habits. Planet Hollywood shares collapse, forcing you to sell your Humvee. Spend your entire signing bonus at a shoe store, and miss 14 child support payments. Showbiz.
Keeping the dream alive. Tucks 'n sucks. Expansion Push
Vanity projects Take B.P. with the Dodgers Devote more time to your rap career. Push -- no winners here.

So there you have it. In a stunner sure to make it into the Enquirer, the advantage goes to ... push. Nobody wins with egos this big, unless you get paid well to polish them.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

ok to cheat 

Bakay: The look of a winner

Bakay: What would Facenda say?

Bakay: Wrestling with the XFL

Bakay: When roasts go bad

Bakay: The two-QB system

Bakay: Reveling in rivalries

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