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Super Bowl vs. Survivor

Page 2 columnist

In an era of audience fragmentation, the Super Bowl might be the only national holiday we can still agree on. Miss it, and you can expect to be stoned to death outside a Costco. Indeed, you should be stoned to death -- maybe the Costco part is overkill.

Ironically, the big game will be sharing its hype with a show rife with parasites: the much anticipated "Survivor 2."

In the big picture, "Survivor" might be a mere blip on our pop-culture radar, with a shorter life expectancy than a firefly, but come Sunday, the Super Bowl and "Survivor" will be sharing center stage with every single TV set in the land.

Which begs the question: which one will generate the most Monday morning quarterbacking? Super Bowl, "Survivor," let's see how they stack up in the Tale of the Tape ...

Super Bowl vs. "Survivor" Tale of the Tape
Category Super Bowl Survivor Advantage
Life expectancy Eternal Slightly longer than "Studs" Super Bowl
Things you can never "un-see"
Tony Siragusa, post-shower and just as God intended him

Hatch's hang down
Push, and give me a second here so I can stab out my eyes
Risks you run For the rest of your life, your new middle name could be "wide right" Insects could lay eggs in your face Push
Annual migrations Tampa, Miami, New Orleans Fiji, Australia, Syndication Super Bowl, until Survivor sends tribes to Bourbon St. without any Zantac
Shame You're the first player busted in a red-light district the night before the game You're voted off the island for hoarding Snickers Push
When you know you're king I'm going to Disneyland! I found some kick-ass wiping leaves! Super Bowl
Don't turn your back on Ray Lewis The chick who drives a truck Push
Old school
The Ravens offense

We really need A first down! Ointment! Super Bowl
Get used to sex with An undercover vice cop The cameras rolling Push
Loneliness is Finding yourself covering Tiki Barber one on one Finding a strange, aggressive rash engulfing your swimsuit area Push
Which Gumbel you get to meet Greg Bryant Super Bowl
Game plans Prey on the old and the weak Prey on the old and the weak Push
Records Your defense allowed the fewest points Your tribe had the fewest solid bowel movements Super Bowl

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically: In a tribal council meeting in full pads, the advantage goes to the Super Bowl. But hang in there, Survivor; you can stay warm by the fuel of your exorbitant ad rates. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at

tale of the tape 

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Bakay: It's OK to cheat

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Bakay's 2000 unexpurgated NBs

Bakay: The line on prima donnas

Bakay: The look of a winner

Bakay: What would Facenda say?

Bakay: Wrestling with the XFL

Bakay: When roasts go bad

Bakay: The two-QB system

Bakay: Reveling in rivalries

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