|THE RIGHTS -- AND WRONGS -- OF SPRING
|Most popular expectoration
||Scrawking amber tobacco juice between pitches
||Blowing chunks through your mask when you realize you have to catch
|Reaction to entering the clubhouse
||Tip the clubhouse attendant $100 to swab your ears
||"Golly! Take a look at all this here free gum!"
||Push. Any luxury once tasted becomes a necessity.
|Typical player résumés
||Led majors in slugging percentage
||Drove a Coors truck
|For the love of God, never ...
||Stash both mistresses in the same hotel
||Point out the remarkable sag of the skipper's plumb sack
||Push. And let's please move on ...
|What you secretly fear they'll find out
||"I can't count."
||"I can't read."
||Push -- neither has prevented anyone from playing Major League
|The bottom line
||Between taxes, agent, and child support, your take-home on $7 million is actually $47 bucks.
||"Maybe if I save up my per diem, I can buy new underpants."
|What to pack
||Just enough jewelry to get you through the month
||Bus fare home
||"You can't find good sushi in Port St. Lucie!"
||"This is the best dang Denny's ever!"
||Everyone tells the press the 50 pounds you gained in the
offseason will melt away by June.
||Everyone reassures you not to worry they assigned you uniform No. 273.
||Luring the owner's daughter out to the bullpen
||Throwing at McGwire's head
|Typical feedback from coaching staff
||"Please don't get me fired."
||"Son, have you ever considered farming?"
|Cocktail of choice
||Sauza, with a beer chaser
||Steroids, with a human growth hormone chaser
||Rookie -- better results
|It's worth going through the hard parts because ...
||There are no hard parts.
||Even utility players make seven figures a year.
||Push. Everyone's a winner when charity takes home the cup
||A rented Cadillac to the nearest Hooters!
||A borrowed Schwinn to 7-11
|If you make it, you can look forward to ...
||Cleaning up at card shows well into your 90s
||Finally not being referred to as a 32-year-old rookie